WWJD

by Dale

SCENE: ANNE STANDS STAGE LEFT, TURNED IN TOWARD CENTER. STAGE RIGHT IS THE STANDARD GAME SHOW SET UP WITH THREE CHAIRS AND A TRIO OF CONTESTANTS STANDING BEHIND THEM. THEY ARE GINA, FRED AND JESUS.

ANNE: Welcome back to America’s newest game show sensation, “What Would Jesus Do?” I’m your host, Anne Robinson.

Before the commercial, we concluded round two. We’ll move on to the lightning round in just a moment, but first we have to say goodbye to one of our contestants, so let’s look at the scores. Gina, you are in the lead with 560 points.

GINA: (JUMPS UP AND DOWN, CLAPS, CHEERS HERSELF)

ANNE: Are you finished, Ms. Einstein, or shall I pull up a chair?

GINA: (DEFEATED) Why are you such a bitch?

ANNE: In second place with a miserable, embarrassing, measly 280 points is our returning champion, Fred.

FRED: Hey, 280 points is pretty good!

ANNE: Yes, Fred, in bowling, probably the only sport in which someone with your physique could reasonably engage.

And bringing up the rear with 65 points and a passport to the studio’s exit door is the son of God; a carpenter and single father of 6,302,309,691 … Jesus Christ.

JESUS: Okay, let me just say again, for the record, that there is something is wrong with this buzzer!

ANNE: How pathetic.

JESUS: Do you really think I don’t know the capital of North Dakota? Get real! I made North Dakota! Day 5, baby! My buzzer does not work. This game is fixed!

ANNE: You’re known for miracles, aren’t you, Jesus?

JESUS: I’ve done a few.

ANNE: Well, it would have taken one to get someone of your limited mental capacity to the lightning round.

JESUS: Look — I’m not leaving.

ANNE: Oh, I think you are.

JESUS: Have you ever heard of “smiting?”

ANNE: (CALMLY) I’m not afraid.

(PAUSE)

I could take you.

JESUS: (MEEKLY) I know.

ANNE: Oh, be a good sport, Jesus. We have some lovely parting gifts to send you home with. Johhny, tell him what he’s won.

VOX: Jesus, you’ve won an assortment of home maintenance products from Johnson & Johnson, dinner for two at any mainland U.S. Boston Market and a soot-smudged copy of the Dixie Chick’s “Home” CD!

ANNE: Jesus, you are the weakest link. Goodbye.

JESUS: (EXITING) Get a new catch-phrase, biyotch.

ANNE: And now, finally, it’s time for our lightning round. Follow me, contestants. Hurry now; no dawdling. That’s it, stand right here.

Now, in the lightning round, I will read a phrase describing an act or an attribute. You will ring in and tell me whether or not that phrase pertains to Jesus. The first one to answer incorrectly will be a big, fat loser. Are we ready?

GINA: Yes.

FRED: Uh-huh.

ANNE: Wrong! I am not ready.

(PAUSE)

Alright, I’m ready now. Let’s begin!

“Changes water into wine”

GINA: Yahweh!

ANNE: “Favorite monster: Frankenstein”

FRED: No way!

ANNE: “Raised a buddy from the dead”

FRED: Yahweh!

ANNE: “Sports a mohawk on his head”

GINA: No way!

ANNE: “Hangs out with the Holy Ghost”

GINA: Yahweh!

ANNE: “Favorite actor, Donny Most”

FRED: No way!

SFX: (BUZZ!)

ANNE: That is incorrect, Fred. The Lamb of God’s favorite actor is, in fact, former “Happy Days” cast member Donny Most.

That means that Gina is our new champion and Fred, you leave with nothing.

FRED: Bite me.

ANNE: I would, but I don’t like those painful rabies shots. For “What Would Jesus Do?” I’m Anne Robinson, and I despise all of you.

Goodbye.

BLACKOUT