(from GagBlog – July 13, 2004)
Let me clue you guys in to something.
I gave up on picking up chicks at weddings a long time ago. Especially at my wedding. The ladies wouldn't hear of it. I'm at the age now where that particular shag-stream has dried up. Nearly all my friends are married off. So I have been looking around for a new, untapped well of fleshy pleasure. Are you ready? Here we go.
That's right. Start cruising wakes and funerals. Now before you attack me, don't bother. I'm not talking about macking on the family or widow of the dead guy. I'm talking about the visitors. This was once considered poor taste...but I think I have a good spin on this. "I accept death as a natural part of life." It's just deep enough to sound not-shallow. Plus it gives you that dark, edgy pragmatist Mulder thing that chicks eat up.
So why would you want Wake Tang anyway? Well, friend, lots of reasons. First of all, they're dressed to the nines and not in a bridesmaid way. Generally in black and looking nicely elegant. They look great but aren't in the mindset to think so. They probably didn't think "I'm going to knock 'em dead at the wake" like they might when prepping for a wedding. That means you have a beautiful woman who isn't thinking about how hot they are. There's none of that "I could have any guy in here" attitude. It makes for easier pickins.
Second, nobody really wants to hang around. Once everybody's done the whole "kneeling and pretend you're praying" thing and listened to the teary eyed thanks of the grieving, it's time to bolt. Nobody really wants to hang around. Usually, if you can't think of anything to do you get stuck listening to "how I found the body", "how will I pay for this" and the standard "what are they doing here, we haven't gotten an Christmas card in years". When that miserable bullshit starts, that's when you rescue the honies.
Third: Say it with me...VUL-NER-ABLE. But it's not like a lady at a wedding who is half drunk and blubbering because nobody wants her. There's a little too much baggage there. There's too much on you when you walk out the next morning (hour, ten minutes etc.). This is clean "been thinking about mortality" sex. Life affirming sex is some of the best. Plus you don't have to feel like a jag when it's over...unless you kill her. When it's over it looks like you were "there for her" and you stand like a hero knowing "she was a nice piece of ass".
So to recap: Wakes - lookin' good with no attitude - slightly bored and thinkning about mortality. No bad can ever come from wake sex...unless it's the dead person you have sex with...
but that's a different blog for a different time... it often meant tragedy or grief for friends or family. Now I don't want these things because I don't want to deal with the paperwork.