UNTIL THE VOWS COME HOME

by e

LIGHTS UP

(Mary Ellen and Jeffrey stand center. They are to be wed. Their Maid of Honor and their Best Man stand in their appropriate places. Standing center, performing the ceremony is the Rev. Rita Windbreaker.)

REV: Before we begin the blessed event, I wanted to pass along a message from Rev. Tony. He sends his blessings and thanks you all for your concern. He is very sorry that he can’t be here today, but he wishes you both all the happiness in the world on this special day. I think I speak for us all when I extend my prayers for Rev. Tony’s speedy recovery. (Pauses thoughtfully) In the short time that I have known Mary Ellen and Jeffrey, which is, let’s face it, is only about an hour and a half, I have been impressed by the depth of their faith and the commitment and love they have for each other. So let’s get going because I am sure they are anxious to start their new life. (They all smile happily. The Reverend opens her bible.) Friends, we are gathered here in the light of God and in the eyes of the His community to join together Mary Ellen Hankey and Jeffery Philip Pankey. This is a…(Suddenly stops and rereads her notes. She looks up) I …uh…I’m sorry. I lost my place. Oh right. This is a sacred bond that they are both. (Pauses again) I’m sorry.

JEFF: Reverend?

REV: I’m sorry. I lost my train of thought.

MARY: It’s the names, isn’t it? (To Jeff) I told you this would be a problem.

JEFF: Honey, the only problem I see is the fact that you’re hyphenating it.

REV: (Trying to maintain) Really. This isn’t a problem.

MARY: I agree. I’m proud of who I am AND who I will be when we marry. That’s why I’m hyphenating it.

JEFF: I know that honey.

REV: Please. I’m sorry to have stopped the wedding. Can we please continue?

BOTH: Of course.

REV: (Clears her throat.) Marriage is a sacred bond. It is something that can’t be entered into lightly…(stops) there can’t be any hanky panky…(She bursts into laughter for a moment and then stops. She composes herself) I’m sorry. So sorry.

JEFF: It’s all right Reverend. We’re used to it.

MARY: For the longest time the papers wouldn’t our Hankey to Wed Pankey announcements.

JEFF: Perhaps you should get it out of your system.

REV: (Trying desperately to maintain) Perhaps you’re right. (Explodes) Hanky Panky!!

JEFF: There, is that better?

REV: (Continues) HAA-AA-AA-NKEY PAAAAAAAAANKEY. (Does little dance) Hanky panky hanky panky hanky panky.

MARY: Reverend?

REV: Her name will be Mary Ellen Hanky-Panky …and I’m not fooling around!!!!

JEFF: Reverend…

REV: Hankey-Pankey for a party of 12?! Are there plans for a little Hankey-Pankey?

MARY: All right!! Stop it.

REV: (Ceases) I’m terribly sorry. I… I have ruined your blessed event with my comments.

JEFF: Perhaps, we should just get on with the ceremony.

REV: You are, of course, right. I am ashamed and will proceed with the service.

MARY: It’s all right, Reverend. But please continue.

REV: Part of me wants to continue. The other part is in disbelief at how I soiled your sacrament. At how I befouled your moment of joy. Ashamed of my behavior! My shallow, unfeeling words and dancing. How I stained the memories you are making right now. How I muddied the sweet river of love. How I…shit out your bungalow window.

JEFF: Really, Reverend, it’s okay. If you need to start over…

REV: (Distant) Perhaps it is time for me to leave this calling behind me. To leave the faith in moderate disgrace and go into the west. I will raise Emus, pigmy Buffalo and carrots on a small ranch in a Dakota.

MARY: Please, Reverend.

REV: Money will be tight but I will make ends meet by selling Macaroni art at local fairs. I’ll meet a man, some strapping forest ranger with a Jeep, a wide brim hat and a cock the size of dachshund. He’ll call me his “Pooksie” and I’ll call him “Big Chief Boom Stick”. We’ll make love atop Prarie dog towns and we’ll decorate our home with cow skulls and hand woven throw rugs.

JEFF: Yoo hoo. Reverend…

REV: Huh?

JEFF: Can you do all of this AFTER the wedding?

REV: (Shakes herself off) Right! Do you Jeffrey take Mary Ellen for better or worse? For Richer for poorer? In sickness and in health? Forsaking all others? All the days of your life?

JEFF: (Relieved) I do.

REV: And do you, Mary Ellen…Hankey-Pankey…WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU THINKING?

MARY: Wha…

REV: Think of the rest of us. Would you? Please?

MARY: What do you mean?

REV: Everybody you give a check to, everyone who will ever announce over a loud speaker that your table is ready, everyone who will ever thank you in an Oscar speech, send you an email, make a sales call to you, send you a cashiers check… EVERYONE!!! Screwed! All of them. Because you don’t have the common decency to not hyphenate your name.

MARY: Now you listen here! You will finish this ceremony or I will have you banished from the clergy. Do you hear me? I demand that you marry me to this man! Right now. I don’t care WHAT my name is going to be! Hankey-Pankey, Mary Ellen Widebottom or Shitface McGee. It doesn’t matter. This is my life and other than the unfortunate need for you to legally marry us, I don’t give a damn what you think of all this.

REV: I see.

MARY: So, I would appreciate you marrying us now.

REV: Fine.

MARY: Fine.

JEFF: Wait.

ALL: Huh?

JEFF: I don’t think I can go through with this. (He begins to leave)

MARY: Wait! Why? I love you.

JEFF: I’m sorry, Mary Ellen. You said “Shitface McGee” and I don’t know if I can get past that.

(He walks out. The others are left looking at each other in confusion as…)

BLACKOUT