I HATE AMERICA’S SWEETHEART

I know I'm going to piss my wife off with this. And I know I'll piss my sister-in-law with this, but I have to be honest here, I can't freaking stand Reese Witherspoon.

Now I will admit that I haven't actually seen her in anything where she wasn't good. In fact I like "Election" quite a bit. I think she has talent - I... just don't like her. I can't help it. And tonight solidified that for me. Now, I have yet to see Walk The Line...but I haven't seen any of the other movies either. Unless the movies have talking animals, robots or talking animal robots, I usually can't make it. It's just where my life is right now. The last movie I saw in a theater was "Serenity" and I couldn't miss that - it's compulsory for a card carrying Joss Whedon fan. Someone would have staked me and then thrown a well crafted one liner at me if I'd passed.

Anyway, tonight I favored Felicity Huffman. For two reasons 1) I like her. I think she's pretty cool in all the interviews I've seen. AND she's married to William H. Macy - how uncool could she really be? 2) From the clips I saw, it was a better acting job, a more challenging role. The clips they showed made me want to see the movie. But I knew going into the Oscars tonight that Reese was favored, but I held out hope.

Then came the win. Okay, I can live. I had an uninformed 1 in 5 shot of being right. But... then... came...the speech. Her fucking speech read like an interview in the high school newspaper with the female lead in the spring musical. It irritated me. Like moved wrong in my seat and sat on my nuts irritated. Nothing against America's Sweetheart and her grandmother, but it was just, too... in character. And of course it started with the obligitory "awww shucks I never 'spected to be up here growin' up in Tennessee." Nicely done. Now there's a quote for some actress to do in 50 years in the "Witherspoon" bio pic. It just sounded like a pep talk to a group of 8 year old girls. "Strong woman. Trying to matter." Blah blah blah. If you're trying to make work that matters, rethink "Sweet Home Alabama". See I have this little trick I play on planes - I don't rent the headphones. I just watch the movie - and if I can watch it, and know exactly what's going on, and don't have the urge to plug in and find out what's going to happen - it's predictable crap and I have no desire to ever see the movie with sound. (I know it's a stupid, time consuming game - but I don't like to fly.) Three movies come to mind "Taxi" with Jimmy Fallon, "Hitch" with Will Smith and "Sweet Home Alabama". I knew exactly what was going on in those movies, because I've seen it in other movies. Then I wound up doing the same thing with "Just Like Heaven" (again with Reese) and that's when I placed her in my heart as the queen of shlocky airline cinema.

And I know. I know. She's, like, a genius. This is what's tossed at me when I say I don't like Reese. I didn't say "I don't like Reese Witherspoon, I think she's stupid" I said I don't like her. Her mind has nothing to do with it. Don't get me wrong, there's plenty of ridiculously stupid women who irritate me. You know, women so stupid you can just see it in their eyes. Penelope Cruz comes to mind. There's nothing in there. I couldn't have a conversation with her. I respect Reese for her mind. I just don't like her.

Okay, who am I kidding... It's her jaw line. Really. The thing that irritates me most about her is her freakish mandible. Small mouth, big teeth and a jawline and chin that makes her look like they molded her out of titanium. That and her wrists. Those damn dainty little southern-deb wrists and hands. God they piss me off! And her neck is weird. Reese Witherspoon has weirdneck... that seems to strain under the weight of her FUCKED UP HEAD!!!

I know, I gotta calm down. It's silly of me to dislike someone for these reasons. She's America's Sweetheart - but I don't like women like that. I want to see America's Drunken Blowjob In The Parking Lot. I want America's Really Good In School But Got Into Fistfight At Reggae Sunsplash. I want America's Belches and Showed Me The Food In Her Mouth At A Nice Dinner Because It's Unexpected. I want America's Rips Ass In Bed And Giggles About It. Those are the women I have always loved. The ones that made me jump through hoops and drink myself silly when I couldn't have them. I want a woman who will fucking sneeze ... and I know.. I KNOW that Reese is one of those that stifles the urge and releases only a quiet Minnie Mouse "chooo". Fuckin' sneeze dammit!!

What it boils down to is this. I'm sorry Reese, no offense to you, congrats on your Oscar, but you remind me a little too much of the chick in "Animal House" who put on rubber gloves to give a hand job. Thanks for coming. The door's over there.

(The comments in this blog do not reflect the opinions of Gag Reflex - only their director Eric, who really fucking dislikes Reese Witherspoon)