The Spasmbats

"This ain't the time or the place for a revolution, Chili-Mac." We called him Chili-Mac because we couldn't think of anything better to call him. "Do you know how many white-bread, hoe-down pot monkeys there are out here trading body blows with the Consortium?! I am way too young to be eating my fists now!"

Chili-Mac just teetered on the edge of self-discovery, wondering if the last stretch of road had been the right one.

Then the Spasmbats broke loose.

"I'm not talking about the generational mind-warp, Jerry," he screamed. Another Spasmbat swooped at his Porsche. "I'm talking about the smack tight abolitionists and the rhetoric garglers. My mind ain't one to fall to the mud price. And tonight? This town is MINE!"

I can't say that I blamed him. The Spasmbats were dark and heavy and smelled like toasted onion bagels. Dozens... thousands... of them, bearing down on us. Forcing us to read their poetry and their microwave dip recipes. This garden has always been dangerous. Tonight it was positively anemic!

"You've always been a cannonball wit!" With that I hoisted my lawn chair and began swinging at the bats. I struck one on an upswing and it shattered on impact like a fine porcelain piņata. Flecks of latchkey kid silt and dime bags full of  conspiracy theory soup mix floated to the ground. I looked at Chili-Mac, his eyes glazed over with the rebound. His breath sounded like a dentist's drill through his teeth.

"Look!" He shouted. "Their nerve endings are frayed and blossoming with charred meat! This pompous life-span dialogue is like walking on a dimmer switch - randomly losing speed at someone else's whim!" He killed two bats with a backhoe and another three with the binoculars that his grandfather had used in the Second World War. He began screaming like a hero. "Reap no the quaking fruit of paranoia, Good Citizens!! The dulcimer plays for the backslide hookers and the plum cotton barrel tykes. I am the Alpha and the Omega!!! The beginning and the end. Cheshire Child! Water eyes. Bleed the good blood!!!"

Then a Spasmbat took his life.

As quick as a pudding his breath suffered a loss.