(appeared in "STRANGE'S - WHISPERING IN VAN GOGH'S EAR")
Hi, I'm Dr. Hans Von Kimmel. I'm the professor of Child
Psychology at Aurora University. Over the course of my many
years of Academia I have found that psychology is a double edged
sword. So To fully understand child psychology, you must also
understand Parent psychology. It is the interaction between parent
and child that makes us what we are today. In my ultimate wisdom
I have developed a way for children to manipulate their parents
into getting what they want.
I'll use an example that we all know: the grocery store.
We are all familiar with this scene; a mother tells her
child no, he or she can't have something, and the child wings
into a fit of uncontrollable rage. Tears, drool, red face,
gritted teeth, so bad that the mother is often times forced to
leave the store. This is where my method comes into play.
Unfortunately most of the children who display this kind of
temper are doing it merely to vent their frustration. My method
does both. It makes you feel much better and still gets you what
My method is based on M.E.T. (Mother's Embarrassment
Tolerance). The point at which all mothers lose their mind and
give in to peer pressure. Pressure from on lookers, pressure from
store employees and pressure from Media. Such as The Cosby Show,
or other such pristine family atmosphere shows. They don't want
these people to think that they've made some grave error in
raising their children, so they remove themselves and the child
from that situation. The moment the mother exits what she views
as a hostile environment she has reached her EMBARRASSMENT
TOLERANCE. I say make her start out at this point, misbehave so
well that there is nothing for the mother to do but give into
your demands. You see, by the time she realizes what's going on
she's already past her tolerance. Here are the easy steps to success:
STEP ONE: MOTHER SAYS NO
When your mother tells you no, stand in one place and begin
breathing erratically. Eventually your mother will look
around nervously to see if anyone is looking. That's when
you start to scream.
STEP TWO: TAKE ACTION
YOU: MOM!! I WANT IT!!!!
(Restate your intentions as often as possible. This keeps it fresh in their
YOU: I HATE YOU!!!!
(When you say this grit your teeth and over-salivate.)
YOU: ALL THE OTHER MOTHERS BUY IT!!!
(Peer pressure! Good move.)
YOU: MAYBE IF YOU WERE HOME MORE OFTEN I WOULDN'T NEED
(Great!! Maternal guilt! Best move yet. Check
mate. A+. Top notch!)
STEP THREE: BEATING THE PRODUCE
Rebel against social norms by taking a stick and beating the
hell out of some lettuce or some other fresh produce. Show
your mother that healthy things turn you into a frothing
STEP FOUR: THE MANAGER
At some point the manager will approach you and ask you to
stop hurting the Kiwi. This is crucial!! Make sure he
STEP FIVE: KNIFING THE MANAGER
When the manager begins to man-handle you pull out your
stiletto and ram it into his rib cage.
STEP SIX: SWAT
Within minutes you are gunned down by a SWAT team. And as
you feel the lead penetrate your body you see hills of green.
Valleys of gold and amber. As you fall to the oil stained
pavement of the Super Savings parking lot you mutter with
your last breath,
"All I wanted was some Cocoa Puffs."