Paul
Horn: Inside the Taj Mahal, an improvised
collection of flute music and what I am assuming are religious chants, all
recorded in the dome of the Taj Mahal
back in the 70's played all night. It was a little eerie - and it might explain
this foreboding feeling I have this morning. Then I switched playlists and the first thing I heard was Kielbasa Sausage by Tenacious D. So
that segued me nicely into a normal Schwartz day.
Touched down
in
The Loews
hotel has two buildings. Until now I have only experienced one. I got very
excited when I found out that I would be staying in the second building - The
Tower... The girl at the counter made a point of saying that I have an
"exciting view". So I was hoping for a huge window that opens on the
Atlantic and
My day job
partner in crime Greg and I had drinks at Dave's Cafe and then snagged a cab to
my absolute favorite spot in Miami, Jerry's Deli - a little snapshot of what I
assume New York is like in the middle of Miami. We ate pastrami and brisket and
discussed weighty things and the half naked women slipping past the window.
Then it was
back to my room for a little homesick conversation with the boy and the lady.
Then I let Paul Horn take me away into my creepy sleep.
It's sunny
outside today - so perhaps the foreboding will lift as I slip into my corporate
character - Meric - and begin
the meeting.
So the
prevailing feeling within the company is that this is our last meeting in
Today was a
solid meetings, with one presentation by myself that
lasted about 20 minutes. Outside the
As always,
the bar was open. The heavy thoughts and homesick had been squelched by the mindnoise of the meeings and were
just starting to rise. So, a whiskey and coke will go a long way toward an even
keel. Rybak was in a great mood, which made me seem
even more sullen. Truth is, I hate these meetings - I hate networking and
meeting new people. I hate explaining my job. And I HATE
talking about my life outside of Houghton. This will invariably happen
after No Talent Night when it's all "you should me a writer"...
"oh do you do this regularly.." "How's
the stand up going?" I've resigned myself to the fact the they will never understand - so I don't bother trying to
explain that I've never done stand up in my life. Most of these people know
only one thing - sales. Everything else is a novelty. And they let you know it
in a way that they think is friendly. I know they mean well.
So, tuna roll
sushi, strip steak - good stuff. I do love the food here at the Loews. Heve to watch
the carbs because of the diabetes thing.
Trying to be good, but these meetings cram pastries and candy and all other
manner of crap at you during the breaks. The meals are the only time when you
can make some sort of informed choice. Got Lori getting me drinks - pretty
ladies paying attention to me helps quell homesick. Hugged Terry for the first
time since her nephew died. Made her cry - that was unexpected and I
wasn't sure what to do. I felt bad because we were in the middle of the dinner hall.
The
presentation wasn't bad or long. We were done by 9 which to me is still 8. A quick stop past the
hospitality suite. I talked to Danny and Margy
and Millie - seems a bridge collapsed in
After a while
I give up on TV and trying to enjoy the evening. I think I'm having
Mildred Wild separation anxiety. I think I hate
I turn on Gag
Reflex on my DJ and let it run all night... just like the toilet in my
room. I'm asleep by 11 which to me is still ten. Third day in
I better see
some boobs soon.
I woke up and
stared at myself in the mirror, wearing my black "Club SAS" shirt,
preparing to spend a day pretending to be a bouncer outside a
But it wasn't that bad in the end. This product session (4 of them over six
hours) had a red carpet and velvet ropes. I had to give out bracelets. Everyone
was in the spirit of it and I even pulled people out of line and frisked some.
All guys that I know... it is, after all still for work. Though there are some
young females in the company... well, never mind.
Sessions went
all the way to
I thought
this mixed dinner was going to be uncomfortable and suck like all sucking
things ever. I hate being forced to meet new people. But you know what - to
continue my day and shattered expectations - I had a great time and I made a
new friend. I had great conversation about Ryan Adams, who I have gotten big
into lately. Ate some amazing fish... tried to get chutney out of a black
t-shirt with club soda and chuckled about the idiocy of that. Plus I got to
hang with Shenk - and Andrea, he said hi.
We ate at
Creek 28 which is a tiny place that serves out of the lobby of the Indian Creek
hotel. The Indian Creek is the hole in the wall kind of place that you expect
to see in an old black and white
I decided to
walk back to the hotel (about 2 miles) with some co-workers. My new friend , a most kindred spirit Nicole, and I chatted all the
way. Very cool lady. We all walked along the
We got back
in time to watch a few people do a little Karaoke in the hospitality suite. I
had a diet coke, hung a little with Lori and then road the elevator up and down
with Lori and Nicole, swapping ridiculous elevator stories.
Then I headed
back under the Dursley's stairs for a night's sleep.
No Talent
Show tomorrow night. Joy. Then again, after today - what I expect and what I
get could be two different things. Wish everything worked out that way.
A slightly more relaxed day. Had to do some presenting in the
afternoon, but I wasn't worried. Really the only thing looming was No Talent
Night, our annual night where reps and folks get up and... well,
you can guess. I have become something of a rockstar.
My performace last year still has people talking. To
be honest, it did rock. But Mildred Wild has knocked the funny out of me. NTN
was the last thing I wanted to do. I had nothing prepared until the day before.
I decided that I would borrow a guitar from Deb Exum
and lead my peers and paycheck signers in a rousing rendition of "Cheesy
Love Song".
But last
year's performance garnered me a corporate sponsor. The Math editorial team
gave me a prop that they will be using duing their
sessions - one of these new Stick Up Bulbs - (it's a long story) - but they asked
me to work it into my act. They said that math would make it "worth my
while". So I'm not sure if I'm getting money, laid or out of having to go
to the math sessions. LOL.
Had a nice
lunch with Ledford, JBub from
The afternoon
presentations were uneventful. When we got done my energy was low and I found
myself in my room homesick and staring at the ceiling. Didn't
want to be funny. Didn't want to move. My Dell
DJ decided to keep playing appropriate music - which drove me further into the
hole. I didn't know it but I needed to get out.
I was happy
when Rybak knocked on the door and we made dinner
plans. Eventually me and him, Lori and Ledford went to
eat. That's always a fun group. And guess where we went. That's right! Jerry's
BITCHES!!! Didn't have the Whitefish salad again. We
had a great dinner. We laughed at Ledford being unable to find the bathroom. We
laughed at some of the idiots we work with. And luckily Lori can throw into the
filth pond with the rest of us. Otherwise we'd be slapped with a suit of
some kind.
Afterward I
stepped across the street for a couple of cigars. My first
since leaving home. I just needed a nerve calmer before the
performance... the second one was celebratory for after... my hidden optimism turtleheading out.
I started to
get worried during the show because there were some really good acts. People who had put a lot of thought into theirs. I was
basically walking up there with a back pocket show piece...and the lightbulb jokes I'd worked up. Dave Serbun did terrible yo-yo tricks while wearing an
"Eyes Wide Shut" carnival mask. Amy Whitaker did a nearly flawless
baton routine. Some of the young pepper Marketing Assistants did a GREAT dance
number to Thriller. It brought the house down. And Tricia resurrected her
"Pips Only" performance of Midnight
Train To Georgia (where she listens to her iPod and
only sings the pip parts). I knew I was going to be one of the acts closing the
show - showstopper that I am... whatever. I started to get nervous.
I needn't
have worried.
Afterward I
had my celebratory cigar alone by the fountain between my building and the
main building. I killed. I wasn't the best, but I did great. Flks were actually counting the cheese references. I don't
think anyone caught all of them. There are technically 12 cheeses and 3 cheese
delivery methods woven into the lyrics. For anyone keeping
score. They'll all forget it in 3 days, but that's okay. It just
served to remind me of what I'm meant to do. I reminded me of what was here
before anything else. For one shining corporate American moment I saw me clear
as day.
For fuck's
sake!! Can I lighten up now?!
Okay. Just a little info about my job. I work with four different
sales regions, providing training and custom tech stuff for the schools they
service. That's all you need to know for the next part of this.
Saturday
morning rolled around and all the sales regions went into regional
meetings. Not being a sales rep, you'd think I would get a little extra breakfast
time. No such luck. Instead I ran back and forth from one end of the conference
center, dropping into each one of my regions and presenting for 20 minutes.
Cripes! THEN my team went into a two hour meeting where I presented one of the
big projects that we did last year as an example of future synergies... or
something. It was a good meeting with people I like. So that's
good. But all of this by
Then it was
down stairs for a boxed lunch, which was a surprisingly good Italian hoagie.
I'm telling you - the Loews has the best freakin' food. Afternoon product
sessions rounded out my day. I didn't have to do anything, but by the time
I have this
great, Miamiesque linen shirt and some cacky pants that I was going to wear to the closing
reception. I had worn them the first night to Jerry's and the shirt had become bespeckled with brisket au jus... actually I looked like I
had been hit by a gravy gun in a Miami drive-by. So on Friday I sent them and a
t-shirt out to be cleaned and I asked that they be returned to my room by 2 or
3. Not there. Oh shit. So I called down and the lady said they would find it.
I fell
asleep. Half an hour later the phone rang - still nothing on the clothes. The
reception, or so I thought, started at 6 and it was already 5. I was starting
to panic and devise excuses for why I was wearing a hotel bathrobe to the
reception. Being e, I might have gotten away with it. Finally, about twenty
after five the clothes arrive. It was my fault. I had neglected to put that I
was in the other building, so my freshly laundered clothes were delivered to
the other building.
The best part
was the lady who delivered them. She was hilarious. In her thick
And then I
arrived half an hour early to an empty reception area. FECK! But my
Houghton does
know how to throw on a bash. Lori and I were hellbent
on being drunk and out late and goofy. Two parents let loose for an evening. So
we kept getting each other drinks while Jeff and Greg just laughed. After the
official presentation and some baked Jicama fries
(man! They were good) - the DJ started up. I hung back for a while. Quite a while. I have to reach a limit with the drinking
before the dancing inhibition goes away. Lori and I were wrangling people to go
down the block to The
Delano to continue the party. And we got lots of people to go.
Problem was, all the drinks at the reception were still free. And Lori
insisted on taking as much advantage of that as possible. Oh! And there was a
bartender there, who could be the worst ever. Luckily, he wasn't the only one
on the bar. I asked for a Whiskey and diet and he made it with Johnny Walker
Red scotch... it was nasty. So I had to specify Makers Mark! Dude.
Really. Don't you know who I am.
Eventually, when there was almost no one left, Lori and the lovely Ms. Cruz got
me out on the dance floor. I won't say who all was still there, but of the 9
people - about a third had the title of "President" in their job
description. It was fun and I was hammered.
Finally after
another hour I got Lori to pull herself away so we could head down the block to
the
I'm from
Anyway, Lori
and I finally hooked up with the last Houghton people. They too were on their
way out. We'd taken too long and everyone we wanted to see was gone. And
finally Lori turned cranky. She'd had enough. I couldn't convince anyone that I
was the shepherd and they were my flock - which had been my mantra all night.
So me, Lori and Jennifer G from
There was
brief talk of food - which I needed. It was nearly
One more day before I'm home. I laid in bed
for a while. I made my wake up call and alarm clock reservations... then I
passed out.
I woke up to
Ryan Adams' "Come Pick Me Up":
...I wish you would
Come pick me up
take me out
fuck me up
steal my records...
I actually
managed to get up before the wake up call or the alarm went off. I had to pack
and check out before breakfast. We had four sessions and lunch before we could
catch the shuttle to the airport. I think it's actually a form of torture. They
throw this open bar bash and then expect everyone to make it to sessions. I was
ragged, but okay. My freakin' ankle was screaming at me because of my dancefloor abuse followed by strolling up and down the block
a few hours before. I needed food. Bad. I needed
something disgusting to put me right. As Mark Knopfler said, Heavy Fuel. Unfortunately Loews
serves nothing disgusting. Just coffee and respectable breakfast food. I needed
a Cuban Sandwich to kick the funk out of me and I had
to settle on tasty breakfast burrito, spicy eggs and bacon. Class when I don't
want it. LOL.
The sessions
were only bearable. It wasn't their fault. It was me. Luckily I was able to
stay awake and alert, but man, I had to work for it. However, a rep named Kelly
Kunert, who I've been working with for a few years,
managed to get me laughing. She's going to run this company some day. Really. Mark my words.
I did, at
some point solidify plans I'd drunkenly made with Alex Coleman the night
before. A road trip to
We had a
pleasant lunch and final words - but you could feel in the air that everyone
was on the blocks, ready to dash for the door. And dash we did. After some
handshakes and hugs and a quick goodbye to my new friend Nicole, Ledford and I
headed for the bus and freedom. As always happens - the minute I sat on the
outbound shuttle, I put on my headphones and whatever character I'd been
wearing all week slipped away. I looked out as
The airport
was crazy. It was Sunday and everyone was leaving Neverland
for destinations unremarkable. I just wanted to see my family. My nerves were
at the breaking point. When I finally heard Danny's voice on the phone right
before boarding, I wanted to cry. My spring was tight and was a plane ride away
from release.
The flight
home had some really bad turbulence. It didn't last long but it's the first
turbulence to freak me out in a while. I just wanted to get home. Home. I have built this airport attitude over the past ten
years - I actually know what I'm doing. A world traveller making his way through the crowd. Ready for anything. And Houghton people, except Ledford, are
to be avoided. I'm not your man anymore.
Grabbed my
baggage, called the limo and headed outside. It was just as hot as
Later, when I
was tickling Danny in his bed, my wire finally unspooled.
Home and wondering what's next. All I knew was that
Millie, a bag of greasy classless food and two months worth of DVRed "Ice Road Truckers" was waiting for me.
Home.