I Freaking Hate This Survey I Spent 2 Hours Doing

What idiot 13 year old writes these. It's probably a school counselor or a pedophile, I suppose:

100 “Have You Ever”s

1. Made out for more than 3 minutes?
Holy crap... does your Mom know you're on her computer?

2. Slept in a different bed?
What is this? The Survey for shut ins? Yeah. If you answer no, does that mean you're still sleeping in your crib. PEOPLE! Think these questions through. I know you've given yourself a goal of 100. But really.

3. Made out in a movie theatre?
OH! It's the THEATRE! Nah! But I nailed a chick in a THEATER one time. That count?

4. made out with 2 different people in one night?
Yes. And it was the talk of Grovers Corners for, like, a month.

5. Thought your cousin was hot?
When I was 6.

6. Been in love?
*eye flutter* yes "awwwwww"  more times than my wife cares to think about. Chronic romantic. Man, that blew.

7. Slept?
Slept? *Dialing the survey creator* Doo doo doo - We're sorry. All the circuits are currently busy. Please try again later.

8. Taken a shower with the opposite sex?
Yes. And a bath. And had our butts spritzed by a bidet. Cohabitation bathing RAWKS!

9. Gone over the speed limit?
Yes, but not often enough to keep my freaky criminal wife happy.

10. Painted your room?
Is that a euphemism for masturbation? Then yes. Otherwise, no, I believe in paneling.

11. Drove a car?
Isn't it past your bed time? It's time for growed ups to be on Mr. MySpace.

12. Danced in front of your mirror?
Yes... doing the tuck, putting on lipstick and saying "I'd fuck me. I'd fuck me hard"

13. Gotten a hickey?
Is that still a thing? I got a hickey once while I was necking in the rumble seat of my Dad's car. How about you ask a nice 21st century survey question... "Ever been the only girl in homeroom that was knocked up by a member of the football team"?

14. Been dumped?
Got a couple of hours? Tell you what... I don't even need to describe them anymore. I'll let my friends Mitch, Dan, Steve, Dale, Greg T, Corey, my sister and my wife to tell you all about them. They heard about them plenty. Then you can cross-reference with a couple of the dumpers - I have their email. Then you can read the online poetry. Then you can be just as fucking sick of my break ups as everybody else.

15. Stole money from a friend?
No, just the drugs. Money stealin' I do from strangers.

16. Gotten in a car with people you just met?
Yes. And I've taken the car of some people I just ate. DON'T PICK UP HITCH HIKERS!!!

17. Been in a fist fight?
Yes. Well, it was more of a "one happened to my face" kind of deal.

18. Snuck out of your house?
Ssssh the wife is reading.

19. Had feelings for someone who didn't have them back?
Please see question 14.

20. Been arrested?
Sadly, no.

21. Made out with a stranger?
Yes. I miss my metallic pork and bean colored 1980 Celica named Fred. It was such a gash magnet.

22. Left your house with out telling your parents?
No. I call them every morning before I leave for work. It's the right thing to do.

23. Had a crush on your neighbor?
Well... there's a couple of young ladies across the street....

24. Ditched school to do something more fun?
I ditched school one time to attend another school without registering. That was a hoot.

25. Slept in a bed with a member of the same or opposite sex ?
Both. Yes, I said both. And a few choice members of other genus and species. I have lived a full life.

26. Seen someone die?
No - but the night is young.

27. Been on a plane?
Yes - me and my snakes.

28. Kissed a picture?
I once got to third base with an autographed 8X10 glossy of Anson "Potsie" Williams

29. Slept in until 3?
*Just shakes head and chuckles* Yes - insightful. You should interview for NPR.

30. Love someone or miss someone right now?
I should point out that "Have you ever..." and this question are combined into a grammatical nightmare. That being said, I love all people. But I only miss if I've been drinking and my hands shake.

31. Laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by?
Oh! Man! I was laying on my stomach! No wonder it didn't work. User error.

32. Made a snow angel?
I tried. But with my body type I always wound up making snow walruses

33. Played dress up?
Is that the one where you try to flip a girls dress up? Then YES!!!

34. Cheated while playing a game?
Am... I .... not supposed to?

35. Been lonely?
No. Never.  WHO ARE YOU, OH INQUISITIVE YOUNGSTER?!?!?!

36. Fallen asleep at work/school
Usually on the crapper.

37. Been to a club?
Yep.  Club Baby Seal is my favorite.


38. Felt an earthquake?
No, but I saw the movie. It sucked.

39. Touched a snake?
Tack "Little Girl" onto this and you've got yourself a lawsuit.

40. Ran a red light?
Grammar!!! Fine, yes. Yes I have. Gasp. I've been driving longer than you've been alive!!! I got my wheels in 1988!!! 18 years ago! Okay!? Everybody RANS a red light now and then. Couldn't you have made this a really original 35 question survey and skipped all this padding!!! Is there some survey guild I can complain to?!

41. Been suspended from school?
Yes. Sigh. So?

42. Had detention..
*Rolls eyes* Yes. 20 years ago. I got suspended. I got detention. I got "In Class". I got Saturday school!! One time, to erase demerit points so that I could go on a class trip to Great America, I cleaned a convent. There! Top that! You can't!! You will never top cleaning a convent as school punishment. And I might add, Sister Loretta, the coolest 80 year old nun ever, and I had a lovely chat. It was a growing experience and I might, one day, write a one act.

43. Been in a car?
WHAT?! DID YOU JUST ASK ME THAT. THAT'S DUMBER THAN   "Slept?"  - Listen closely, okay... the Amish don't frequent MySpace. They won't answer this. They won't post this. If anybody says no to this, it's a lie. Unless they're in fucking Uganda or some shit - then they should get rid of the internet, save the money to get a fucking car and get out of Uganda!!!!!

44. hated the way you look?
I hate the way YOU look! This survey is really starting to piss me off.

45. Witnessed a crime?
So many. So many. Mostly committed by my felon/driver wife.

46. Been lost?
Yes, to the Lord.

47. Been to the opposite side of the country?
I've been East of Eden and to the Other Side of Midnight.

48. Felt like dying from embarrassment?
No I've felt like dying because I'm not yet half way through this survey.

49. Cried yourself to sleep?
I have also cried myself to Indianapolis... which is really the only way to go.

50. Sang karaoke?
Do you understand at all that sometimes a "U" is required in words to indicate that something has happened in the past. "He sang Karaoke", "I sang Karaoke", "Have you ever SUNG karaoke". And yes, since you were nice enough to ask.

51. Done something you told yourself you wouldn't do?
I'm doing it RIGHT NOW!

52. Laughed till some kind of beverage came out of your nose?
I laughed so hard that hot foamy cappuccino came out of my nose - and I wasn't drinking any. I should have harnessed that power for good.

53. Caught a snowflake on your tongue?
Yes... me and Cinderella did that just last night. It was nifty. Then we played Yatzee, ate lobster and went down on a couple of magic pixies who'd stopped by. LIFE IS HARD!!!! STOP LIVING IN DISNEY!!!

54. Kissed in the rain?
No, but I shook hands with somebody during widely scattered showers.

55. Sung in the shower?
Heh! Don't you mean SANGED

56. Had a dream that you married someone?
Two nights ago I dreamed that I married Tom from Myspace - then I found out who created this survey, I hunted them down, tore of their head and poured scalding chowder down their neck. 

57. played getting married?
Holy crap. A future member of the PMRC and any book club that reads "The Rules", Ladies and Gentlemen.

58. Got your tongue stuck to a flag pole?
I got a pole you can stick your tongue to.

59. Ever gone to school partially nude?
Heh heh hahahahhaha

60. Been a ?
Ooops! Mom came into the room! Lights out!

61. Sat on a roof top?
Of a bell tower - with a rifle

62. Didn't take a shower for a week?
Why would any one answer that? Especially at #62. If I said YES, no one would want to read on. Placement kids, placement.

63. Ever been too scared to watch scary movies alone?
I'm a little frightened of Scary Movie 4 (out now, direct to DVD)

64. Played chicken?
Yes. With actual chickens. They never swerve... but they howl when you step on them and crush their spines.

65. Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on?
No. I live in the real world, not an 80's comedy. I've also never been in a naked pillow fight.

66. Been told you're hot by a complete stranger?
Yes, the school nurse. Right after she took her hand off my forehead. (I'm so freaking witty.)

67. Broken a bone?
during my time as muscle for the mob, I broke plenty.

68. Been easily amused?
Not for, like, the last hour of my life.

69. Laugh so hard you cry?
I've laughed so hard I've made other people cry. Mitch, I'm looking at you.

70. Cheated on a test?
Yes. My fertility test. I got a baggie full of man gravy off of eBay. Heh heh. My wife thinks I'm sterile!

71. Forgotten someone's name?
I no longer remember the name of the waiter who served me on Friday night.... YES I do! Melody! So, no, I've never forgotten anyone's name.

72. Blacked out from drinking?
I think so. All I know is that I woke up smelling of Jack Daniels, in a field, with a viagra induced megaerection, I was covered in blood and there was a leaf blower and a box of pistachio hulls next to me.

73. Played a prank on someone?
I think I'm playing one on myself right now. 

74. Gone to a late night movie?
Mom let's me stay out til 9.

75. Made love to anything not human?
Yes. A bowl of petunias who then said "Oh no, not again." (For those of you playing at home - if you can spot the reference, message me and I will consider sending you a picture of my wang.)

76. Failed a class?
Anger management.

77. Choked on something you're not supposed to eat?
*Shakes head chuckling*

78. Played an instrument for more than 10 hours?
Do medical instruments count? Like those little rubber, reflex/knee hammers.

79. Cheated on a girlfriend/boyfriend?
I've cheated on several girlfriend/boyfriends. They were very sad/happy and angry/high.

80. Did you celebrate the 4th of July?
Have you ever did you celebrate the 4th of July. Think, people, think. Don't lose it now. We're at 80!!! This question does not belong on this survey. Have it replaced!

81. Thrown strange objects?
I threw my own poo at a monkey once. WHAT?! He started it.

82. Felt like someone?
Ooohhh... somebody's tired. I'll bet you are. You didn't have a nap today, did you?

83. Thought about running away?
This thought is filling my mind right now.

84. Ran away?
Sigh - we're at 84, what's the point. No. I never ran away. If I did, I'd probably be hopelessly addicted to crack and turning tricks to make ends meet - like most you run aways. There's something to aspire to.

85. Had detention and not attend it?
Are you on a "rebel hunt"?! Nobody would be bold enough to do that? Would they? Except, maybe Kevin Bacon in Footloose.

86. Made parents cry?
I've made lots of parents cry with my deeds and my words. Fucking parents.

87. Cried over someone?
Like, you mean, hunched over their dead carcass. Then, yes, every Tuesday.

88. Owned more than 5 sharpies?
WHAT!?! Are you goddamn kidding me?! This is your "#88"? I'm starting to get the impression that this was written by a whole bunch of people. There's no way that the 5 Sharpies question was written by the "snowflakes on your tongue" person.

89. Dated someone more than once?
I've Carbon Dated someone more than one.

90. Have a dog?
No dogs. We have 2 urinating cats and a hobbit named Danny.

91. Own an instrument?
I'm socialist - I don't own anything.

92. Been in a band?
Yes, a death metal/mariachi band called Messy Placenta.

93. Drank 25 sodas in a day?
I have probably drinkeded 25 in a day at some point, Annabelle.

94. Broken a cd?
Over the head of some tool at the music store who was attempting to "school" me on Pink Floyd history. "Not a singles band"...heh... TAKE THAT Chad!

95. Shot a gun?
It's cocked and aimed at my freaking temple. This better be over soon.

96. Been on myspace for more than 5 hours?
Yes. And my search will continue until I find the creator of this abomination

98. Have a major crush on someone right now?
Not this week.

99. Have a religion?
No thank you. I'm trying to cut back.

WHAT?! You leave me at 99?! You LIED to me!!! LIAR! LIAR!!!!