ON THE VIRTUES OF CEREAL FROM A CUP

Fuck bowls. That's what I say. If you can't eat cereal on the go, then it's not a cereal you should be eating, plain and simple. It's been eons since I last ate cold cereal from a bowl. I wanna move, man!! I want to be free to move around with my Fruity Pebbles. Upstairs, outside, in the den, in the family room, in the car. Life moves pretty fast... and breakfast is the most important meal of the day (even if it's at 11:30 at night)... so cup it, bro!

Big gulp tumblers are good for the job. If you're not that hungry, maybe one of those big coffee mugs. Hey, look, soup in a cup and in a can caught on, right? Drinkable yogurt, squeezable cheese, TV shows on iPod - all signs that portable is the wave of the future. Life is rushing by and I'm goin' MOBILE! If you have the right kind of cereal, you needn't even dirty a spoon.

Your average flaked cereals will always require a spoon , they soak up milk too fast. Same with heavy nugget cereals - your grapenuts and granola based ones - they're too heavy and require some dredging. However, your puffed and shaped cereals (Frankenberry, Kix, Kaboom etc) are perfect for spoonless enjoyment. They ride the milk wave just right and usually only require some light taps at the end to dislodge the clingers. Especially those last little marshmallow bastards. They're like little survivalists. Tap tap tap - slurp - got ya, ya little bottom stickin' shithead. If the tappin' doesn't work - go for the chaser. A little shot of milk back into the cup, a little swirl and the life expectancy of a clinger is cut short. BAM! Down the gullet Boo Berry!!

I am also a fan of remilking. If you've sipped a little too much moo juice and your spoonless cereal is getting tougher to drink, remilk it. Plus it adds that extra shot of cold that the initial milk lost when it hit your breakfast. AND for an extra kick, and I only suggest this if you're serious, a flavor shot. Man, nothing wakes you up better than a cup of Cocoa Puffs with a spoonful of Quick raining down on it. It's ... like... angels shitting in your mouth (sorry, that's the only thing I could think of.) And how about a little flavor mixing - the flavored milk revolution is upon us. How about a chocolate covered strawberry. A little chocolate quik and some Frankenberry. Or Cocoa Puffs with Banana or Vanilla Quik. This is your breakfast, dammit! Eat it the way you want it.

Of all the meals in the world.. well 3 or 6 if you're in Europe, people are the snottiest about breakfast. There seem to be rules about what is and isn't breakfast food. How one should or should not eat something. Like somehow breakfast is a sacred meal. You try ordering tuna salad at 8 in the morning and watch the reaction. Face it, cold pizza and a glass of milk is THE best breakfast in the world. It doesn't get better - partly because you get to relive the party the night before a little. But moms freak out. It's wrong! You are twisted! You hate America! Proper American breakfast food will win the war.

Fuck that! Doughnuts and eggs are best in the middle of the night. I like sandwiches and leftovers for breakfast. And I eat my cereal in a cup. If you can't deal - there's no room for you at my table. Take your nazi food rules and GET OUT! I'm going to sit here, eat ham and cheese on pumpernickle, wash it down with some Peanut Butter Cap'n Crunch, throw my feet up on my coffee table and watch cartoons.

That's the way uh huh uh huh I fucking like it.