Beautiful When We Go
††††††††††† They call it suicide by police now. Can you fucking believe that? Theyíve sucked all the rebellious romance out of dying in a hail of police bullets. Suicide by police, what the shit?!! So, John Dillinger Ė suicide by police. Bonnie and Clyde - suicide by police. Thelma and Louise, just plain suicide, I think. I guess that would make Lee Harvey Oswald a ďsuicide by vigilante night club ownerĒ. Why do they always try to take away my fun?
††††††††††† Right, Sugar Plum? Honey? Youíre not saying much. Awww, why the long face? Come on, Gum Drop, we talked about this. Itís what we wanted. You wanted out of this relationship and I wanted out of my dead end job. Itís a win/win situation. Right? Are the cuffs too tight? Yeah, sorry about that. I didnít know your wrist size and the clerk was giving me the once over already. I had to play like it was a gag gift for a friend.
††††††††††† ĎHeh! Fortieth birthday,í I said to the guy. And you know what? He nods knowingly. Get that? He nods and smirks like EVERYBODY gets people handcuffs for their fortieth birthday. Sick fucking world, eh, Honey Plop. Iím glad neither of us is gonna make it to forty Ė a bunch of handcuffs would suck.†
††††††††††† I donít think itíll be long now. Iím not real good with math, so the bomb might go off whenever. Man! You are howling up a storm, Buttercup. I donít think youíre heartís really in this pact and I donít appreciate being lied to. You know, you were just as into this as I was. You were totally swept up in the romance of it. Donít deny it. You thought us dying together would be beautiful. Remember? You said it that night at Dennyís. You know, the night Parker and Lindsey showed up with their World of Warcraft characters tattooed on their arms. Dorks. My only regret about dying here in a few minutes is that I canít rub their noses in it when theyíre, like, forty and they still havenít been laid.
††††††††††† HA HA HA! Iíll get them each a pair of hand cuffs. HAHAHAHAHA.
††††††††††† Wha? You never think Iím funny. You used to think I was funny all the time. Youíve changed, Snookums. Somethingís not right in you now. Youíre all mopey all the time. I donít know how much more I can take. I mean, for better or worse, sure... but man, you make me work for it. Look, this bomb and these sparklers and roman candles will make everything better. Weíll be something beautiful in the end... you know, even though we were kind of shitty to each other most of the time. Weíll be beautiful, Angel.
††††††††††† This bomb will light off that string of Chinese firecrackers. Those will set off the row of bottle rockets and those roman candle that will ignite the sparklers that will spell out our names: ďDon and Tonya ForeverĒ. Thatís so cool! Too bad I didnít have time to set up the domino display. That would have been wicked awesome. The bomb blows us to smithereens and the concussion knocks over, like, fifty thousand dominos. Sweet.
††††††††††† I wouldnít worry too much. I think the explosion will be big enough to kill us instantly. No no. Shhhhhh. Listen, I swear itís the most romantic thing. You know how they are always saying ďtwo become oneĒ? You know how they say that? Itís not really true, even with sex itís not. Right? I can stick a pencil into a pencil sharpener and they donít become one thing. Iím not stupid. Itís that poetry crap. But a big boom? A giant fire ball and explosion sending parts of us in all directions, bits and pieces of us raining down on the bowling lanes here... thatís real. Thatís two becoming one.
††††††††††† You probably didnít even notice which lane weíre about to explode on. Lane 11!! Yup. Good olí lane 11. You remember donít know. We played this lane the night I told you that I love you. So, I thought... you know... letís bookend it here. You probably donít see it that way. You probably donít remember what it took for me to tell you that I loved you. See, itís all for the best. Letís just end it all right here, in a bowling alley, surrounded by a final pyrotechnic display. Weíll be beautiful when we go, Tonya.
††††††††††† You think Mr. Tedstowe is gonna be mad about his bowling - - -