PLAYOFF

Schwartz

LIGHTS UP

(DALE, ERIC, STEVE and JOSH sit on stage facing the audience.)

STEVE: So, Josh, you having a good time?

JOSH: Yeah, I guess.

DALE: Well, you couldn't have asked for a better game. Green

Bay. Chicago.

JOSH: Considering I've never really liked sports I'm really

enjoying the game.

ERIC: See what you've been missing out on.

JOSH: Well, I've always thought it was just a lot of , you

know, macho talk and violence. I guess I've misjudged

the sport.

STEVE: So you'll probably come back next week?

JOSH: Yeah.

DALE: Well the 4th quarter's starting. You want blood shed

you're gonna get it now.

ERIC: Commercial's over, turn the mute off.

(Dale hits the remote.)

ANNCR 1: Welcome back to Soldier Field for the shoot out between

two of the oldest rivals in football. The Green Bay

Packers and the Chicago Bears.

ANNCR 2: The score stands at 34-34 and I think we're about to

see some major fireworks. With the Bears starting the

quarter at the Packers 39 yard line the Packers are

going to have a tough time stopping Eric Kramer and the

Bears offensive line.

ANNCR 1: And the snap. Salaam up the middle and he's stopped

with only a two yard gain.

ANNCR 2: Kramer can't seem to throw off the Packer's defense

with his usual hard count. And there they go.. Kramer

drops back.

ANNCR 1: Look at that. Conway wide open in endzone. Kramer

looking for an open. Oh! One of the Packers just took

the top of Kramer's hand off with a 357 Magnum. AND THE

BALL IS LOOSE!

JOSH: (Shocked out of his mind) WHAT!!!???

OTHERS: Get the Ball!!!! (etc.)

ANNCR 2: There's a mad scramble. It looks like it's gonna be

the Bears'. And it is. The Bears' center Jerry Fonteno

got it.

ANNCR 1: There's a flag down on the field. It looks like it

might be an unnecessary roughness call.

ANNCR 2: Packer's Linebacker Reggie White apparently knifed

Rashan Salaam after the ball was down.

(Josh is incensed at the apparent lack of concern toward the

violence.)

ANNCR 1: And it's going to be a first down over in favor of the

Bears. The Packers roll the Howitzer into position.

Steve Walsh coming in to cover for Kramer while he has

nub bandaged.

ANNCR 2: This game just keeps getting better. Salaam goes long. AND THE PACKERS intercept just as the howitzer blows most of Rashan Salaam off the field. His smoldering cleats are still dug well into the ground.

ANNCR 1: That's one thing I love about Soldier Field real grass

and dirt.

ANNCR 2: Various parts of Salaam are raining down on the crowd.

ANNCR 1: Some lucky fans are going to be picking Salaam tidbits

out of their teeth for weeks.

JOSH: JESUS!

ANNCR 2: That's the second turnover in Green Bay's favor this

quarter. The Bear's defense hits the field. As The

Packers take possession of the ball. We'll be back

after these brief messages from your local stations.

(Dale mutes it.)

JOSH: I can't believe this!!!

ERIC: You seem a little uptight.

JOSH: You're damn right I'm uptight. They just vaporized a

human being for the sake of a sport. Doesn't that

bother you?!

OTHERS: IT'S THE PLAYOFFS!

ANNCR 1: And we're back. There's a beautiful shot of one Bears fan.

ANNCR 2: He's holding a big bloody hunk of Salaam in his mouth

and making Devil signs with his hands.

ANNCR 1: He must be crazy.

ANNCR 2: Yeah, his shirt's off and the wind chill is nearly 15

below. He must be nuts.

ANNCR 1: Down on the field The Packers begin thier drive toward

another touchdown. Zorich and Flannigan in for the

blitz. And it's a sack. Brett Favre has been sacked.

ANNCR 2: Flannigan rushed two blockers and drove both hands into

their chests, extracting their still beating hearts.

ANNCR 1: Now he and Zorrich are taunting the sacked Brett Favre

by wringing the hearts like sponges all over him.

ANNCR 2: But Favre is up. He "bitch slaps" Zorrich.

ANNCR 1: That was totally uncalled for. And the Packers lose a

total of 20 yards on the sack and the personal foul.

JOSH: OH MY GOD!!!

ANNCR 2: Don't forget next week the Saints go face to face with the Sunshine Daycare All Crippled Girl's team the Flounders. Finally a team they can beat.

ANNCR 1: These expansion teams are getting ridiculous.

ANNCR 2: And after the game today there will be live coverage of the ritual sacrifice of Brent Musberger. That should be a good show.

(Josh grabs the remote and turns off the T.V.)

OTHERS: Hey!!

JOSH: I can't watch this anymore! This is the most grotesque

display of violence I've ever seen.

DALE: (To Steve) I told you that inviting him was a bad idea.

JOSH: (Turns to the T.V.) Now we're going to watch something

nice and wholesome. Something on PBS.

OTHERS: Awww c'mon!

JOSH: Here. Here's a nice documentary on Koalas.

ANNCR: Here you can see the placid and beautiful Koala giving its baby some pre-chewed eucalyptus leaves. Look at the tender affection in which the mother Koala feeds its child. (Josh sits contented. The others sit back grumbling.) But the baby has a mind of its own. Watch as it clubs its mother in the head with a large stick. (Josh's mouth gapes open) As the Baby begins to gourge itself on its mothers entrails it catches sight of our doomed cameraman and attacks. (Steve Dale and Eric sit up entralled with the violence.) Though blood covers the camera lens, you can still see the camera man trying

to get the rabid animal off his face. One of our Outback guides pumps a bullet into the Koala's head accidentally killing our maimed camera man in the process. But, in nature, violence is a way of life. It's something that's unavoidable when you live in a WORLD OF SURVIVAL.

(Steve, Dale and Eric crack Beers. Josh slumps in his chair.)

BLACKOUT!