Bernie Squirts

By Eric Schwartz

(STEVE SITS WRITING. HE READS ALOUD AS HE WRITES.)

STEVE: (READING:) My love, I know you’ll never understand what I am about to do. So, all I can say is... goodbye ...

(MOURNFULLY HE PUTS DOWN THE PEN AND PICKS UP A GUN. HE PUTS THE GUN TO HIS TEMPLE. HE BRACES HIMSELF AS HE PREPARES TO SQUEEZE THE TRIGGER. THERE IS A THUD FROM BEHIND THE COUCH. STEVE’S CONCENTRATION BROKEN, HE LOOKS TOWARD THE COUCH. FROM BEHIND THE COUCH COMES BERNIE. HE IS FILTHY AND WEARS A MINER’S HAT. BERNIE TAKES IN HIS SURROUNDINGS FOR A MOMENT AND THEN SMILES AT STEVE.)

BERNIE: (AUSTRALIAN) G’day!

STEVE: (CONFUSED) Uh ...

BERNIE: It’s your lucky day mate. Got a phone?

STEVE: Uh-huh. (POINTS GUN AT PHONE.)

BERNIE: (NOTICES GUN.) Did I interrupt something?

STEVE: Well, actually ...

BERNIE: (LEAPS TO PHONE.) Thanks! You must be pretty impressed.

STEVE: Who are you?

BERNIE: Bernie Squirts. I’m the first man to successfully burrow his way through the earth.

(PICKS UP PHONE)

I hope you don’t mind. It’s long distance.

(HE DIALS. STEVE STANDS AND WATCHES HELPLESSLY.)

Allo? Jack? It’s Bernie. I’m out. I’m in ... (TURNS TO STEVE) where am I?

STEVE: Aurora, Illinois.

BERNIE: (CHUCKLES) Oh! Ha! Wayne’s World...Wayne’s World. (STEVE ROLLS HIS EYES IN DISGUST.) Jack, yeah ... I’m in Aurora Illinois. At ... (LOOKS AGAIN TO STEVE.)

STEVE: 742 West Bridge Court. Apt. 2C.

BERNIE: You catch that? Yeah, I’ll wait for the press. No, he won’t care. By the way that’s 10 you owe me. (HE HANGS UP.)

STEVE: So you’re telling me you burrowed from Australia to my living room?

BERNIE: Yup.

STEVE: But I live on the second floor.

BERNIE: Oh yeah? (GOES TO HOLE AND LOOKS DOWN.)

STEVE: My downstairs neighbor’s gonna be pissed.

BERNIE: (LOOKING DOWN) I don’t think so.

STEVE: Why not?

BERNIE: I burrowed through your downstairs neighbor.

STEVE: (LOOKING DOWN) Oh my GOD! Mrs. Waylon!

BERNIE: That’s alright, Charlie will be more than happy to clean up the mess.

STEVE: Charlie?! Who’s Charlie?

BERNIE: Me Dingo.

(PULLS LEASH UP)

C’mon Charlie!

(BERNIE PULLS A PIECE OF CHARRED, SMOKING MEAT UP ON THE END OF THE LEASH.)

Uh oh. I guess the Earth’s core was none too kind to my pet Dingo ...

(HE LOOKS DOWN INTO THE HOLE.)

STEVE: You pulled that poor animal through the molten core of the planet.

BERNIE: (LOOKS THOUGHTFULLY INTO THE HOLE)

Yeah. For some reason I seem to remember my wife being with me at one point, too.

STEVE: (GLARES UNBELIEVING DOWN THE HOLE) Sweet Jesus.

BERNIE: (SHRUGS) Oh well. Achievement requires some sacrifice.

STEVE: Why in the world would you burrow through the Earth?!

BERNIE: (WALKS AWAY) It was a dare.

STEVE: A dare?!

BERNIE: Yeah. I’ve done lots of things that way.

STEVE: What else have you done?!

BERNIE: (PUTS HIS HANDS ON HIS HIPS AND THINKS) Ooooh ... I ate the Sydney Opera House.

STEVE: No you didn’t.

BERNIE: That’s true I didn’t. What I couldn’t finish I took home and fed to Charlie.

STEVE: The Sydney Opera House!

BERNIE: Yep. Got the stretch marks to prove it.

(HE TURNS AWAY FROM STEVE AND LOOKS AROUND THE PLACE.)

Nice place you’ve got here.

STEVE: (LOOKS AT HIS GUN) Look I was right in the middle of something.

(HE PUTS THE GUN TO HIS HEAD.)

BERNIE: Well, make it fast. Pretty soon the paparazzi will be here and you’re gonna be big. Your face is gonna be splattered everywhere.

STEVE: (LOOKS AT GUN) God willing.

BERNIE: Money. Fame. You can cash in on that fame and get out of Aurora, mate.

STEVE: (LETS THE GUN DROOP.) Out ... of ... Aurora.

(THERE IS A KNOCK ON THE DOOR. BERNIE OPENS THE DOOR. A GAGGLE OF REPORTERS RUNS IN.)

REPRT 1: Are you Bernie Squirts?!

BERNIE: The one and only.

REPRT 2: What was it like digging through the planet?

BERNIE: It was tough at first, but I managed.

REPRT 3: (INDICATING STEVE) Who’s this?

BERNIE: This is the man who so graciously let me tunnel into his living room. Say a few words mate.

STEVE: (STEPS UP. THE REPORTERS SHOVE MICROPHONES IN HIS FACE.)

I just wanted to say that this man has changed my life. I wanted to die. I was going to take this gun and blow my brains out. I was going to end it all. And this man gave me hope. Hope in the human spirit. Reaffirmed my belief that men and women can achieve anything anything they set their minds to. This man is the miracle I have been waiting for.

(HE HUGS BERNIE.)

BERNIE: Bad touch!!!

(HE SHOVES STEVE. STEVE TOPPLES BACK AND FALLS DOWN THE HOLE.)

STEVE: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

(STEVE CONTINUES TO SCREAM AS THE LIGHTS FADE.)

LIGHTS COME UP

(STEVE HAS STOPPED SCREAMING. MEN AT WORK’S “LAND DOWN UNDER” STARTS PLAYING. STEVE COMES UP BEHIND A COUCH. HE SHAKES DIRT OFF HIMSELF. HE

LOOKS AROUND. PAUL HOGAN ENTERS.)

PAUL: G’day mate. I’m Australian funny man and star of “Crocodile Dundee”, Paul Hogan.

STEVE: Where am I?

PAUL: You’re in God’s Own Earth, Australia. Hey, have you seen “Lightning Jack?”

STEVE: Yeah.

PAUL: What’d you think

STEVE: (SHOOTS PAUL HOGAN.) I think I hate Australians.

BLACKOUT