THELF
by Eric
(Originally performed in "Shake, Rattle and Walk)

LIGHTS UP

(Philip stand at the front of what looks like a small seminar.
Several people sit and talk quietly facing him. There is an empty
chair  at the very front of the group. A man looks at his watch.)

MAN:  Well, we've given him 10 minutes. It's obvious that
Steve isn't going to be here on time. He can catch up
later. The floor is yours Philip, please begin.

PHIL:  Thank you, Mr. Pierce, ladies and gentlemen. When your
toy company told all of us at Smith and Dowling
advertising that you wanted us to market your new
fantasy toy, THELF, we were a bit apprehensive. (Philip
produces a small TROLL-like doll.) As you all know this
is a THELF. The approach we've decided to take will put
us ahead of Trolls, Turtles, and any other fantasy toys
on the market. (The group approves) Instead of hard
Rock music and fish-eye lens shots that make the toy
look 7 feet tall we've decided to go for the more
sentimental approach. First we get a celebrity. Some
one rustic, like Dennis Weaver or John Denver. We put
him out in the woods, with one of the Thelves in his
hand and he gives a speech like this.

(Steve bursts into the room. He looks hung-over and a little
tipsy. It is apparent that his 3 martini lunch got the best of
him. He tries to gain composure, he smiles charmingly and moves
to the front seat. Philip stares at him, he looks back at Philip
and gestures for Phil to continue.)

PHIL:  (Looks scornfully at Steve for a moment then
continues) As I was saying they give the following
speech; Hi I'm here to talk to you about you and your
THELF. Remember that no one can care your THELF like
you can. You have to learn to love your THELF in that
special way that only you can.

(Steve is pleased with this positive message for children. It is
becoming readily apparent that Steve thinks Philip is saying
yourSELF.)

PHIL:  There are many ways to show that you love your THELF.
Make sure that you are always touching your THELF.

(Steve spits out the coffee he sipped. He is shocked by this. The
group nod , pleased with what they here.)

PHIL:  And make sure that you play with your THELF several
times a day. And it's so conveniently small that you
can play with it almost anywhere. In the bath, at
school, you can even play with your THELF at church, if
you're quiet about it.

(Steve looks at his colleagues, shocked by their apparent lack of
concern.)


PHIL:  Call up your friends and throw a party where you all
can play with your THELVES. If you really love your
THELF a lot the pay off is big. Really big. Trust me.
Thank you.

(The group erupts into applause. Philip thanks them all . Steve
falls unconscious to the floor. Philip looks down.)

PHIL:  What happened to him?

MAN:  (Cheesy, to the audience) Stroke?


BLACKOUT