THAT CANNOT EXIST!
by Greg Twait and Eric Schwartz
(KEN sits at his desk looking very lethargic. Eric's voice comes over the P.A.)
ERIC: (P.A.) Mr. Gilbert?
KEN: Yeah Eric.
ERIC: The new toy designs are here.
KEN: Excellent!!! Bring them in!
ERIC: In a moment sir.
KEN: (Gets up to pace.) I'll tell ya, this last Christmas was murder. Between Sega Genesis and Ren & Stimpy dolls my company could go under. But next Christmas I want to bring back classic toys like dolls and action figures. Barbie and G.I. Joe, even matchbox cars and Transformers were great! This year I want to go back and re-create those classic toys! Fun toys that don't require more than a 9 volt battery. (there's a knock at the door) Come on in, Eric. (Eric enters with a large design pad. He places it on the NEW TOY DESIGN EASLE, thanks to the NEW TOY DESIGN PAD SUPPORT COMPANY © Dubuque Iowa.) Great! This should be exciting (KEN settles down behind the desk.) Okay! Shoot.
ERIC: Okay, as you know, these are just some rough designs of toys that need your approval.
ERIC: (Flips back the first page. One the page is a drawing of a soldier) Okay this is a G.I. Joe based figure that most of the boys think will be very popular. Demographics have always been high in the military area......
KEN: It is different isn't it. I mean it's not just a G.I. JOE with a different name is it?
ERIC: No no no. I was just getting to that. Ehem, when you push the easily recognizable red button on his back (Flips page to reveal the same solider with a horrified, shocked look and disassembled limbs) this soldier explodes on impact. And his limbs can be snapped back on for hours of explosive fun.
KEN: (A touch mortified) What's shooting at him?
ERIC: A helicopter that's supposed to be on his side, see that's why the surprised expression. That's because this is VIETNAM ROY THE EXPENDABLE AMERICAN SOLDIER!
KEN: Uh..... doesn't that seem a little harsh, Eric?
ERIC: Harsh....and fun.
KEN: I....guess, what's next?
ERIC: (Flips sheet to show cute little girl doll) You remember BETSY WETSY from a long time ago don't you?
KEN: Sure , my sister had one. You fill it with water and it wets itself.
ERIC: Right, kind of unrealistic right.
KEN: I guess.
ERIC: Well in the name of realism, and political correctness, (FLIPS sheet to show the same baby vomiting a thick multicoloured liquid) when you over feed this baby it regurgitates this thick liquid.
KEN: Oh my God!
ERIC: That's right, it's little SALLY SPEW!!!
KEN: Do you really think that little girls will like that?
ERIC: Probably not, but little boys will.
KEN: Anything else?
ERIC: Well, we came up with a board game.
KEN: GREAT! A board game, I love board games.
ERIC: (FLIPS the sheet to reveal the box design for "SHOOTS AND LADDERS") This is SHOOTS AND LADDERS. Should be a big hit.
KEN: Uh.... How do you win?
ERIC: (As if KEN is an idiot) You shoot the other guy off his ladder.
KEN: Should've guessed.
ERIC: Remember how agitated you got at those 90210 dolls?
KEN: Agitated is hardly the word. They're too perfect looking. It makes children feel inadequate.
ERIC: Exactly. (Flips to reveal three guys standing in a row. They look normal if not plain.)
KEN: What's this?
ERIC: It's the new BAR-HOPPIN’ BUDDIES from the SINGLES SCENE COLLECTION! (Points to each one) This is Designated Driver Dan. This is Promiscuous Pete, and Nate.
ERIC: Yeah the fat guy who gets all the ugly chicks.
ERIC: You can have hours of fun creating Wacky scenes with these guys. Especially with our SINGLES SCENES PLAYSETS. (Flips sheet) Like This cozy little thing, HARRY'S BAR Playset. It comes with The Jezebel doll. That Promiscuous Pete came strike up a “conversation” with.
KEN: I....don't know.......
ERIC: Then you can continue the adventure with Petey and Jezabel's big mistake. (FLIPS sheet to reveal a seedy looking hotel room) THE CONCEPTION BEDROOM PLAYSET!
KEN: Oh God!
ERIC: We don't have designs yet for the CUSTODY HEARINGS PLAYSET or the SHOTGUN WEDDING PARTY ACCESSORIES.
KEN: You're serious aren't you.
ERIC: Yep! This collection will be really big.
KEN: Why are you doing this to me?
ERIC: It's in the name of political correctness.
ERIC: Fantasy toys just don't cut it anymore. You need realism in toys. That's what the 25 to 40 year olds want for their children.
KEN: If you say so.
ERIC: Our Market research shows that Biologically Correct Barbie was a huge success. Now they come out with Navy Barbie, she’s got a black eye and a hand print on her ass. When you show children what life is really like parents love it.
KEN: I guess....so.
KEN: Okay. Go ahead.
ERIC: Alright. (Begins to look through designs.) Jeeze did I leave that in my office?
KEN: What are you looking for?
ERIC: Our game designs for DRAIN THAT PROSTATE.