The Projected Standard Texas Reaction Sketch to the Big Kiss Off Sketch

by Steve

(WRITER’S NOTE: THIS SKETCH IS BEING WRITTEN IN HONOR OF WHAT I, THE WRITER AND FIRST PERFORMER OF THE BIG KISS OFF, BELIEVE WILL BE THE STANDARD TEXAS REACTION TO THE SKETCH. NOW, BEAR IN MIND, I HAVEN’T BEEN IN TEXAS SINCE I WAS ABOUT 12, WHEN I SPENT A WEEK WITH MY PARENTS IN HOUSTON. I REMEMBER MEETING GORDON COOPER, THE ASTRONAUT, AND I REMEMBER IT WAS 95 DEGREES AT MIDNIGHT. WILD. OH, AND I WENT TO SOME PLACE WHERE THEY HAD A BUNCH OF COWS AND BULLS AND HORSES AND COWBOYS. IT WAS SMELLY AND HOT, AND I BELIEVE THEY CALLED IT A RODEO. I REMEMBER IT WAS SPELLED THE SAME AS THAT FAMOUS DRIVE IN LOS ANGELES, BUT PRONOUNCED DIFFERENTLY. OH, JEEZ, I FORGOT ABOUT THE TWO DAYS I SPENT IN EL PASO WHEN I WAS IN COLLEGE. I WAS IN THE MARCHING BAND AT THE SUN BOWL. BUT HALF OF THAT WAS SPENT IN JUAREZ, WHICH I HAVE NEVER SPOKEN OF UNTIL JUST NOW, SO I DON’T KNOW IF THAT EVEN COUNTS. WELL, GIVEN MY LIMITED EXPERIENCE IN TEXAS, I CALL THIS ONLY THE STANDARD TEXAS REACTION. YOU WILL HAVE TO ADJUST FOR LOCAL DEVIATIONS.)

SCENE: A COUPLE (MALE AND FEMALE) IS SITTING IN TWO CHAIRS NEXT TO EACH OTHER, FACING THE AUDIENCE. THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO BE WATCHING SOMETHING ON STAGE. THE TWIST HERE IS, THEY ARE ON STAGE, AND THE AUDIENCE IS THE AUDIENCE, EVEN THOUGH IT WILL SEEM AS THOUGH THE AUDIENCE IS ON STAGE. GET IT? HEY, GIVE ME A BREAK. THIS SKETCH WAS WRITTEN WHILE I WAS WATCHING THE FIFTH WHEEL AND THREE WOMEN WERE CHASING TWO MEN, AND TWO OF THE WOMEN WERE SISTERS, FOR CHRIST SAKE!!

MAN
Whew! Well, hog-tie my dogie, I can’t believe them Catholics are doing it with nuns now!

WOMAN
Makes me glad we’re Baptists.

(IF I MAY DO A WRITER’S INTERJECTION HERE, I HAVE TO TELL YOU, I AM SO TOTALLY DISTRACTED BY THIS FIFTH WHEEL THING. I’VE HONESTLY NEVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE IT ON COMMERCIAL TV. OK, THERE WAS A JERRY SPRINGER THAT HAD SOMETHING SIMILAR, BUT, HEY, THAT’S JERRY SPRINGER, YA KNOW? OH, THAT GIVES ME AN IDEA.)

MAN
I think I saw somethin’ like it on Jerry Springer.

WOMAN
Makes me glad we’re Presbyterians.

MAN
Or maybe it was on the Fifth Wheel! Yeah, I think they had two nuns and two priests, and the Fifth Wheel was a Buddhist monkey.

WOMAN
The Fifth Wheel? Are you talking about the pickup truck you sold to Uncle Festus? He always was mad about that fifth wheel. And all those empty Lone Star bottles you left in the back.

(ANOTHER WRITER’S INTERJECTION HERE. THEY’RE DOING BODY SHOTS NOW! I’M NOT KIDDING YOU! BODY SHOTS. THIS EX-PLAYBOY MODEL POURED SALT ON THIS GUY’S CHEST, THEN LICKED IT UP, AND TOOK A SHOT. THIS IS NO JOKE. AND YOU SHOULD SEE WHAT SHE DEFINED AS ³HIS CHEST.² IT WAS, ER, FURTHER UP AND DOWN THAN I WOULD DEFINE THE CHEST AREA. ANYWAY, I GOTTA GET OUT MORE. I’M SURE IN AUSTIN, BODY SHOTS ARE A COMMON OCCURRENCE ON EVERY STREET CORNER. BUT HERE IN THE MIDWEST, A 47-YEAR-OLD WITH A WIFE AND KIDS JUST ISN’T GONNA SEE THIS AROUND THE HOUSE. BUT I DIGRESS)

MAN
Ah, hell. He was only mad because they were empty! And I’m not talking about that, I’m talking about a TV show. There was two nuns, two priests and a Buddhist monkey.

WOMAN
Oh, that’s an old joke. Makes me glad we’re Mormons.

MAN
Everything was fine until that Buddhist showed up and started doing body shots.

WOMAN
Oh, Lord, why do they always have to shoot somebody.

MAN
Shoot somebody! Honey, get my gun!

WOMAN
No honey! You might hit Boomer!

MAN
Hmmm. This sounds awful familiar. Like what them folks in New York City would call dejy voo!

WOMAN
Makes me glad we’re Seventh Day Adventists.   

(OK. SHOW’S OVER. THANK GOD. I WASN’T GETTING ANYTHING DONE. JUST SO I WON’T LEAVE YOU HANGING, ONE GUY CHOSE THE PLAYBOY MODEL, AND THE OTHER GUY CHOSE THE OLDER SISTER. THE YOUNGER SISTER WAS OUT. SHE WAS PISSED, BUT VOWED THERE WOULD BE ANOTHER DAY SHE WOULD BEAT HER OLDER SISTER. THE OLDER SISTER SAID THE YOUNGER SISTER HAS TO LEARN THAT THE OLDER SISTER ALWAYS WINS. I BET THOSE GUYS ARE A BLAST AT THE THANKSGIVING TABLE. RIKKI LAKE IS ON NOW, SO I THINK I’LL BE ABLE TO CONCENTRATE. TODAY’S TOPIC ... PEOPLE WHO’VE BEEN ON THE FIFTH WHEEL!! OH NO!! I BETTER FINISH THIS SKETCH BEFORE THE FIRST GUESTS!)

MAN
Well, that sketch was funnier than an armadillo on tequila, the way he kept sayin’, ‘I did it with a nun! I did it with a nun!’ Made me bust a gut!

WOMAN
Oy! Makes me glad we’re Jewish.

BLACKOUT