WEDDING HELLS

by Greg Twait & Eric Schwartz

 

LIGHTS UP

 

(Josh and Eric are on stage. They are finishing up their meal and their conversation.)

 

ERIC

I disagree. (Bite) I think it's Jordan's prerogative to

gamble if he wants. He's not doing drugs, he's not

raping anyone. Let him blow some cash on the blackjack

table.

 

JOSH

(Chews so much that all he can do is mumble a reply)

MHMMmmmmmnmoiuodjfkn,,jkha.

 

ERIC

Do you think? I think some guys are jealous and that's

why they get on him about little stuff.

 

JOSH

(Finally swallows) Some guys are idiots.

 

ERIC

For instance...(Finished sandwich) A lot of guys would

like a big Disco Diamond on their wedding ring. Not me.

Just a simple gold band is more than sufficient....

(Holds up hand to look at the ring. Then realizes the

ring is gone.) AAAAAArrrgggg!

 

JOSH

(Caught off guard) AAAAaaaarrrgggg!!!!

 

ERIC

AAAARRRRRAAAAAARRRRRGGGGG!!!!!!

 

JOSH

AAAAAARRRRRGGGGGGG!!!!!

 

ERIC

It's gone!

 

JOSH

It's gone!!!! (PAUSE) It is gone. You ate it.

 

ERIC

WHAT?!?!?!?!

 

JOSH

(Again caught off guard) WHAT?!?!?!?!

 

ERIC

You saw me eat it?!!!

 

JOSH

Well, yeah.

 

ERIC

For God's sake JOSH!!!!! Why didn't you stop me?!?!?!?!

 

JOSH

I didn't know you weren't hungry .......

 

ERIC

Not the Hamburger you Baboon!!! My WEDDING RING!!!!

 

JOSH

You ate your wedding ring?

 

ERIC

No you moron! I lost it. Help me find it!                                                  

 

JOSH

Okay. (Looking about) What's it look like.

 

ERIC

Like a gold wedding ring, Josh. My wife is going to

kill me.

 

JOSH

Well, don't tell her. Maybe she won't notice. That'll

give you more time to get a new one.

 

ERIC

We've only been married two months. She's still at that

stage where she gazes into my eyes and plays with it.

 

JOSH

Great! Then she won't notice.

 

ERIC

What?

 

JOSH

(Pause) OH! The RING! right. Sorry. (PAUSE) when was

the last time you noticed it?

 

ERIC

I don't know. I think it was just before we started

eating. I can't be sure.

 

(They both get on their knees.)

 

JOSH

I hate shag carpeting. HEY!!

 

ERIC

WHAT?! (He leaps over to where Josh is. He clambers

over his back.) What is it? No that's Michelle's

Earring. (He leans back and just for a moment the

position is compromising. Michelle enters.)

 

MICH

Hi guys. (She smirks at the position.) I ... wasn't

gone that long was I?

 

ERIC

Uh..... no.

 

MICH

I just swung by to tell you that I'll be a little late,

I've got to go get your suitcoat from the cleaners.

 

ERIC

(Still looking about) Ok.

 

MICH

See you later sweetie.

 

JOSH

Okay, bye.

 

ERIC

(Eric looks back at Josh, who is oblivious to what he

said) She didn't notice.

 

JOSH

Good thing.

 

ERIC

She’d found out..... (MICHELLE reenters) would've

ruined the whole darn surprise.

 

MICH

Just came back for the ticket for the cleaners. My love

is still surprising me . Hmmmmmmm?  (Exits opposite

side)

 

JOSH

Are you having a surprise party?

 

ERIC

What?

 

JOSH

Should I bring a dish to pass?

 

ERIC

What?!?! No! It was a ploy!

 

JOSH

A what?

 

ERIC

A ploy! .... Jesus! A lie! A fib!

 

JOSH

What kind of word is fib?

   

ERIC

Shut up.

 

(Michelle re-enters)

 

MICH

Okay, I'm off.

 

(As she exits there is the sound of a ring being kicked. Eric and Josh freeze.)

 

BOTH

THE RING!!!!

 

MICH

(off) What?!

 

BOTH

(Slap their hands over each other's mouths) NNNTING!

(Whisper) The ring.

 

(They both dive.)

 

JOSH

(Holds up penny) Finders keepers.

 

(They both rise defeated.)

 

ERIC

A penny. A lousy , stinking penny.

 

JOSH

Suppose you did eat it.

 

ERIC

I think I would've noticed.

 

JOSH

Maybe you swallowed it without biting it.

 

ERIC

And as it was going down I thought it was just a hard

pickle?!

 

(Josh looks deep in thought)

 

ERIC

What? (Josh looks a bit disturbed) Josh?

 

JOSH

Uh oh.

 

ERIC

You didn't eat... a ... really... hard pickle did you?

 

JOSH

(Looking at him, frightened.) Uh.......

 

ERIC

EX-LAX!!!!!

 

JOSH

Eric!

 

ERIC

EX©LAX!!!!!  (Runs off stage and runs back in with a

FAMILY SIZE GALLON of EX©LAX)

 

JOSH

Eric, Please no!!!!

 

ERIC

Drink it!

 

(JOSH downs half the gallon and the other half goes all over.)

 

JOSH

(Belch)

 

ERIC

To the pot!!!

 

JOSH

Oh God no!!!!!!

 

(He rushes Josh off stage. There is a large commotion off stage.)

 

(Michelle enters.)

 

MICH

Are you in the bathroom, darling?

 

BOTH

(off) Yes!

 

MICH

Eric, your suit is out here.

 

ERIC

Okay! (To Josh) Push!

 

MICH

And Josh!

 

JOSH

(Exertion in his voice) Yes!

 

MICH

I bumped into your girlfriend! Don't forget you have to

pick her up in half an hour.

 

JOSH

(A little annoyed) I know.

 

MICH

She just wanted me to remind you because you're usually

late.

 

JOSH

I’m REGULAR NOW!

 

(ERIC exits. His sleeves are rolled up.)

 

ERIC

(Calling over his shoulder) I said I was sorry.

 

MICH

Is he upset about something?

 

ERIC

Nah. He's just a little ....moved.....

 

MICH

I have a bone to pick with you.

 

ERIC

What?

 

MICH

(Holds out wedding ring) I found this on the drive way.

 

(ERIC turns slowly, terrified toward the bathroom)

 

BLACKOUT!!!!!