PHANTOM OF THE OPERA

by Greg Twait and Eric Schwartz

(Evil pulse begins)

(Dim evil lights come up. Eric is seated at piano. He plays chords of unspeakable evil. Michelle is thrust into the room. She cowers in the corner. After a few moments of melodramatic cowering , just like the old movies, a secret panel turns to reveal Ken with a half a paper plate covering half his face. He is the Phantom of the Opera.)

KEN

Christine!

MICHELLE

No. (Still cowers)

KEN

You must remain here forever. (Eric Reaches crescendo

Ken prepares to sing.)

MICHELLE

(Suddenly bold, actually, suddenly really Ballsy.) HEY!

Hey Phant-ass you wanna just shut up and let me out out

of here. (Eric is still playing.) Hey Bub! Ya wanna cut

it out. (Eric stops)

ERIC

Sure thing.

KEN

(Visibly shaken and stammers for something dark and

sinister to say.) Uuuhhhh, You belong to me.

MICHELLE

Yeah well I belong to about 8 or 9 other Guys too.

Jesus Christ, If that Hunchback rings those bells for

me one more time I'm gonna hurl I swear to God. All I

did was give him a glass of water.

(ERIC does rim shot on piano)

MICHELLE

Hey smart guy , how'd ya like to not do that again.

ERIC

Sorry.

MICHELLE

(Turns back to Ken) So anyway, Mr. Hulking Phantom of

the shadows, don't be looking for no thrill with this

awesome Alto Bod. Hokay. Good. Now what do ya got to

eat in this rat hole.

(MATT busts in. He is Raoul. He is handsome and full of music.)

MATT

(Singing operatically) Christine?! Christine?! Where

are you my little music flower?

MICHELLE

(Annoyed) I'm right here stupid. Friggin' tenors.

MATT

(Still singing) I have swum the murky waters of the

streets of Paris to find you. (He comes and grabs her

shoulders in passion)

MICHELLE

Hey you want to get your hands off the threads. WHEW!

How long did it take you to get here? 8 or 9 days.

Cripes! You smell like death.

KEN

That could be me.

MICHELLE

No it's dopey over here. You just smell like decay.

MATT

CHRISTENE! I have come to take you back.....

(Eric begins to play romantic song)

MICHELLE

HEY!!! Cut the Elton John Crap! (Turns and grabs Matt

by the arm) Let's book.

KEN

(Grabs Michelle's arm and pulls her to him) You will

learn to love me.

MICHELLE

(There is a moment when it seems possible but then) I

couldn't learn to drive stick shift and I'm supposed to

learn to love Lumpy the shadow goof.

(MATT grabs her other arm and he and Ken start playing tug of war. Michelle yanks and slams the two together. Matt falls unconscious to the ground and Ken staggers back stunned.)

MICHELLE

Great this is all I need. A heroic tenor that won't

wake up and a disfigured ghoul with the libido of one

of Madonna's back up dancers.

MATT

(Comes to, doing Katherine Hepburn in "ON GOLDEN POND")

Do you hear them you old poop, the loons.

MICHELLE

Come on sir sleep- a -lot we're out of here.

MATT

The loons.

(THEY EXIT)

(Ken flops down into chair)

KEN

That was really weird. (Looks at Eric who has been

picking his finger nails) What are you doing tonight?

You want to go grab a pizza? Watch the game?

(ERIC packs up his stuff and starts to leave.)

KEN

We can cruise chicks. These Victorian babes really know

how to Party. (Eric ties his shoe) I'll spring for

rubbers. (Eric leaves)

BLACKOUT!