PHANTOM OF THE OPERA
by Greg Twait and Eric Schwartz
(Evil pulse begins)
(Dim evil lights come up. Eric is seated at piano. He plays chords of unspeakable evil. Michelle is thrust into the room. She cowers in the corner. After a few moments of melodramatic cowering , just like the old movies, a secret panel turns to reveal Ken with a half a paper plate covering half his face. He is the Phantom of the Opera.)
No. (Still cowers)
You must remain here forever. (Eric Reaches crescendo
Ken prepares to sing.)
(Suddenly bold, actually, suddenly really Ballsy.) HEY!
Hey Phant-ass you wanna just shut up and let me out out
of here. (Eric is still playing.) Hey Bub! Ya wanna cut
it out. (Eric stops)
(Visibly shaken and stammers for something dark and
sinister to say.) Uuuhhhh, You belong to me.
Yeah well I belong to about 8 or 9 other Guys too.
Jesus Christ, If that Hunchback rings those bells for
me one more time I'm gonna hurl I swear to God. All I
did was give him a glass of water.
(ERIC does rim shot on piano)
Hey smart guy , how'd ya like to not do that again.
(Turns back to Ken) So anyway, Mr. Hulking Phantom of
the shadows, don't be looking for no thrill with this
awesome Alto Bod. Hokay. Good. Now what do ya got to
eat in this rat hole.
(MATT busts in. He is Raoul. He is handsome and full of music.)
(Singing operatically) Christine?! Christine?! Where
are you my little music flower?
(Annoyed) I'm right here stupid. Friggin' tenors.
(Still singing) I have swum the murky waters of the
streets of Paris to find you. (He comes and grabs her
shoulders in passion)
Hey you want to get your hands off the threads. WHEW!
How long did it take you to get here? 8 or 9 days.
Cripes! You smell like death.
That could be me.
No it's dopey over here. You just smell like decay.
CHRISTENE! I have come to take you back.....
(Eric begins to play romantic song)
HEY!!! Cut the Elton John Crap! (Turns and grabs Matt
by the arm) Let's book.
(Grabs Michelle's arm and pulls her to him) You will
learn to love me.
(There is a moment when it seems possible but then) I
couldn't learn to drive stick shift and I'm supposed to
learn to love Lumpy the shadow goof.
(MATT grabs her other arm and he and Ken start playing tug of war. Michelle yanks and slams the two together. Matt falls unconscious to the ground and Ken staggers back stunned.)
Great this is all I need. A heroic tenor that won't
wake up and a disfigured ghoul with the libido of one
of Madonna's back up dancers.
(Comes to, doing Katherine Hepburn in "ON GOLDEN POND")
Do you hear them you old poop, the loons.
Come on sir sleep- a -lot we're out of here.
(Ken flops down into chair)
That was really weird. (Looks at Eric who has been
picking his finger nails) What are you doing tonight?
You want to go grab a pizza? Watch the game?
(ERIC packs up his stuff and starts to leave.)
We can cruise chicks. These Victorian babes really know
how to Party. (Eric ties his shoe) I'll spring for
rubbers. (Eric leaves)