APPENDIX

by Eric Schwartz & Josh Gilbert

 

(As lights come up we find John and Sue seated eating. They're incredible snobs. They're all gritted teeth and tight bums. They're eating their food as you would expect them to.  They take tiny bites and chew forever. John looks up from his Game Sausage)

 

JOHN:               How's your lobster darling?

 

SUE:                Oh it's scrumptious.

 

JOHN:               So anyway back to me.  So I'm walking down state Street and this little

mole of man comes up to me and has the nerve to ask me for a quarter.

 

SUE:                Disgusting.

 

JOHN:               No kidding.  So I smacked the little urchin and told him to get a job.

 

(Suddenly Sue drops to the floor and grabs her stomach.)

 

SUE:                AAAAAAAARRRRGGGG!!!!!!!! (Moans and wails)

 

JOHN:               Honey?

 

SUE:                Oh My........ARR! (She is obviously in intense pain.)

 

JOHN:               Was it something I said?

 

SUE:                Ooooohhhhh!

 

JOHN:               Look I don't mean to be picky but this is mildly embarrassing. Would

you be so kind as to get back into your seat?

 

SUE:                Call a doctor.......ARG!

 

JOHN:               Do you think that's really necessary. I mean doctors are so terribly

expensive these days.

 

SUE:                CALL ME A DOCTOR YOU STUCK UP TWIT!!!!!

 

JOHN:               A Doctor?! Right! WAITRESS!!!

 

 

(Waitress comes in and is completely oblivious to Sue.)

 

WAITRESS:      Yes sir can I help you?

 

JOHN:               Yes would you be so kind as to call an ambulance for my wife.

(He motions to Sue)

 

WAITRESS:      (Now seeing Sue) Oh.....Is there something wrong?

 

JOHN:               I ...guess so.

 

WAITRESS:      (Tensing) It's not...the service is it?

 

JOHN:               Oh no.

 

WAITRESS:      (Breathes a sigh of relief as she exits) Whew.. For a second there I thought

something was wrong.

  

(John gets up and crouches down next to Sue who is still wiggling in pain.)

 

JOHN:               Honey?  Are you okay?

 

SUE:                AAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGG!

 

JOHN:               Well the paramedics will be here soon. So you just relax until they get here.

 

(John walks back , sits down and starts eating again. He looks up and notices Sues food.

He gets up, making sure that she's not looking and then moves over and steals a few

quick bites off her plate. Then he sits down quickly and resumes eating his own meal.)

 

JOHN:               (With his mouth full) My goodness they're taking a long time. Honey? Do you

want to dance or something to pass the time?

 

SUE:                UUUUUUUHHHHHHH?!

 

JOHN:               (Getting upset) You know.  This is just like you. Expecting the whole world to

stop when you don't feel quite up to par. Well I'm sick of it.  Do you hear me?!

I'm not going to play your little game anymore. (He flops down and resumes

eating.)

 

 

(Suddenly the paramedics break in. They stand and stare at John.)

 

ONE:                Where is she?

 

(John flips his food covered fork in her direction and the food flies off and hits her.)

 

JOHN:               Sorry Honey.

 

(Two moves quickly over to Sue and begins examining.)

 

ONE:                (To Sue) What's the matter?

 

SUE:                I think it's my appendix!!

 

(The paramedics panic)

 

TWO:                APPENDIX!! (He pulls an anatomy book out of his bag and begins looking for

Appendix)

 

ONE:                Appendix? Uh....How far apart are the contractions?!

 

SUE:                I'm not pregnant you moron!!!

 

ONE:                Oh !  (They begin pushing on her stomach in a CPR motion. Sue screams.)

 

(Two gets up and walks over to John. He looks at Sues plate.)

 

TWO:                Are you gonna eat all that?

 

JOHN:               Oh no. Please help yourself.

 

TWO:                Thanks.

 

(One gets on the walkie talkie)

 

ONE:                This is #5. Uh...there's a woman with...an owie here. (He holds the

walkie-talkie up to his ear) Uh...I don't know....her appendix. Uh...(He

pushes on her stomach  which makes her scream) They've ruptured.

(Listens) Her APPENDIX. They've ruptured. (Listens) What? There's

only one appendix? Oh okay. (Listens) Okay got it. Bye.

 

(He moves to Sue)

 

TWO:                Well?

 

ONE:                It's too dangerous to move her. We're going to have to take it out here.

 

JOHN:               WHAT?!?!?!

 

ONE:                We're going to have to operate.

 

JOHN:               What, here?

 

TWO:                Yes sir. I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave. This is a very

important....uh...thing.

 

JOHN:               (To Sue) Honey? Would you like to finish your lobster?

 

TWO:                She can't eat sir!!!

 

JOHN:               That lobster is costing me a bundle!!!!

 

ONE:                Sir! It's your wife's life!

 

(Looks from Sue to plate.)

 

JOHN:               WAITRESS!!!

 

WAIT:               Yeah?

 

JOHN:               Doggie bag please.

 

WAIT:               Right-o.

 

TWO:                Okay sir it's time for you to go.

 

JOHN:               Honey, I'll be in the car when you need me.

 

(John exits)

 

ONE:                Okay. Where are the appendix?

 

TWO:                (Pulls out anatomy book) Let's see....

 

ONE:                Dude!! Where'd you get that?!

 

TWO:                Garage sale.

 

ONE:                I need one of those.

 

(They grab Sue's foot and begin operating as ...)

 

BLACKOUT