Steve Lord Pertinent Facts:
 

Full Name: Steven John Lord

Nicknames: "Steve," "The Stever," "Steverino," "The Stevinator," "Stevie," "Stevie Baby," "Steveroo," "Stevie Wevie," "Nice Pants, Sailor," "Steve the Stud," "Stevie the Studie," "Stever the Studer," "Steverino the Studerino," and others too local and situational to mention.

Hobbies: Sports, Grave-robbing, Cradle-robbing, Robbing.

Favorite Sport: Professional Female Bobbing for Apples.

Turn-ons: White bell bottoms, paper hats, air hand dryers, natural root beer that still has the pulp in it, free tub-side tickets to Professional Female Bobbing for Apples championship.

Turn-offs: People who don’t like white bell bottoms or paper hats, public restrooms with paper towels only, men who insist on nursing babies in public, the night they invited Monica Lewinsky to participate in Bobbing for Apples ? it made a mockery of the sport.

Favorite Fantasy: Starting a new Professional Female Bobbing for Carrots League.

Biggest Fear: Getting hit by unseen objects; that animals will start talking.

The Quote: "lf only for one day, we humans could be in the cages, and the animals could be outside roaming free, then, maybe, just maybe, I could get some damn sleep."
 
 

FAQ

   Many web sites have these frequently asked questions sections to take care of the questions people ask again and again. Alas, I, too, get many questions asked of me over and over, so I decided to take some of the top ones and make my own Frequently Asked Questions, or FAQ, section.
 

1. Is Steve your real name?

    A. Yes, Steve is my real name, or more accurately, Steven. But I have many nicknames, including "Steve," "The Stever," "Steverino," "The Stevinator," "Stevie," "Stevie Baby," "Steveroo," "Stevie Wevie," "Nice Pants, Sailor," "Steve the Stud," "Stevie the Studie," "Stever the Studer," "Steverino the Studerino," and others too local and situational to mention.
 

2. Do you really have a recurring dream in which you are married to Cameron Diaz, and although you have great sex together, she announces she has her own recurring fantasy in which she, Alicia Silverstone and Jennifer Love Hewitt make love to you at the same time, and she arranges it, but on the night it's supposed to happen, you accidently drink coffee with salt peter in it, and not only can you not produce for her fantasy, but you spend the rest of the dream trying to track down how the hell you got coffee with salt peter in it?

    A. Yes.
 

3. Is it true you are considered the foremost authority on dick jokes?

    A. Yes. I edited and put together the book “1OO1 Dick Jokes for Cocktail Parties,” still considered the first compendium of dick jokes ever collected. The book was so successful that I released a second book, “1OO1 MORE Dick Jokes for Cocktail Parties,” and then re-released them together in a two-book collectors' volume titled “2002 Dick Jokes for Cocktail Parties.”  lncluded in that compendium were five previously unreleased dick jokes, by the way, so those who had the previous two volumes did get something new. I am credited with authoring seven dick jokes by myseif, and assisting with 14 others. Remember the one about the guy who had a red ring around his dick and couldn't get rid of it,  no matter what he did? He finally used lipstick remover! I wrote that in fourth grade and, while it may not seem so funny now — in fact some would say it seems enviable — it still leaves them redfaced in the fourth grade.
 

4. Did you appear as Walter, the bare-chested slave boy, in “Testicles, A Roman Spectacle?”

    A. No, that was Dale. I did appear as Omegaton, an overweight Olympic wrestler in that movie.
 

5.  Because you were born on Halloween, are you given credit for the rise in popularity of that holiday?

    A. The rise in the popularity of that holiday is almost solely due to my being born on that day. If you don't believe me, look at Halloween 1955 and compare it to today, then track the gradual increase in the popularity over the years. If you were to plot your findings on a graph, using official graph paper, you would see a solid, red line moving upward. Any statistician will tell you that is meaningful. It appears I have done for Halloween what Jesus did for Christmas when he was born on that day.
 
 
 

Answer to personal question: I thought I addressed this at the time, but I'II do it again.  First,  I am not in the habit of asking for identification or driver's licenses when I pick women up off the streets. They needed a ride, and it just didn't register with me that a high school was nearby, and besides, if you had seen them, you could have taken them for anywhere from 16 to 18, 18-and-a-half, easy. I thought the drinking age in that state was 18 and and how the hell was I supposed to know that was a CHURCH parking lot, when the damn building didn't even have a steeple, and, hey, what church pre-school lets out that late, anyway? I think they targeted me because I was famous, or at least because they saw the potential of me being famous some day.