SOAP OPERA SKETCH
by millie
LIGHTS UP
There is an imaginary fender bender behind DAN and MARLA. Marla is wringing her hands, and Dan is pacing and talking on a cell phone.
MARLA: I dont know what happened, I didnt even see your car! I am so sorry about this.
DAN: Well, I called the police, they should be here soon. (Woman has started staring at him.)
Is there a problem?
MARLA: You know, you look familiar, have we met?
DAN: (distracted) Well, Im an actor. You may have seen me on THE PLANET OF
PASSION.
MARLA: Thats it! I know who you are! Youre Don Sweetmeat!
DAN: (blushes) Well, yes, that is the character I play…(she slaps his face) Hey!
MARLA: You mean, evil young man!
DAN: What??
MARLA: I watch you everyday! How could you have done such rotten things?
DAN: (pauses and stares) Umm… I think youre a little confused…
MARLA: First you get Molly pregnant and push her down the stairs. She went crazy and went
away to the convent because of you! Then you poison your own mother and make her think shes being chased by giant snakes! How could you?
DAN: Actually, thats just the character I play…
MARLA: But the worst was when you stuck Phyllis in the meat grinder! I had nightmares for a month! I havent been able to even look at a sausage since!
DAN: Look lady, I just do what the writers tell me, okay?
MARLA: Oh sure, go blaming other people for your terrible deeds. Next youll tell me the devil made you do it, right?
DAN: (under his breath) No, just my agent.
MARLA: I knew something wasnt right with you last year when they sent you off to summer camp and you came back 10 years older. Thats just not natural!
DAN: Look, lady, I dont know what you think is going on here, but I am an ACTOR, okay? I play a part! All those things on the show, theyre not real! Theyre written and acted out and filmed and edited to be shown on television and watched and enjoyed, but its not real! ITS FICTION!
MARLA: Dont you try to sweet talk me, mister! Im on to you! Nobody else seems to have caught on to what youre really like, but I know, and youre not going to get away with it!
(She starts swinging at Dan, seemingly trying to scratch his eyes out. Policeman enters)
POLICE: Hey, whats going on here? (separates them)
MARLA: Oh, officer, Im so glad youre here! I want this man arrested for murder!
DAN: What? Look, officer, theres been a big misunderstanding here…
MARLA: Oh no, theres no misunderstanding, he put his brothers fiancee in the meat grinder! I saw him do it!
POLICE: Is that right?
DAN: (Thinks, transforms himself into his "character") Youll never prove anything, copper. I am above all of you. Do you know who I am?
POLICE: Well, well, well, if it isnt Don Sweetmeat! Weve been looking for you buddy!
MARLA: And I found him! You need to arrest this man! Hes the devil himself! Thats what we decided at Bridge Club.
DAN: (Takes out a gun and grabs Marla) I dont think so copper! You let me go or the nice lady here gets it.
POLICE: (puts his hands up) Now, just relax, son, no one wants to get hurt here.
MARLA: Oh my! Please Don, dont hurt me!
DAN: You shoulda thought of that before you blew my cover lady! Now Im getting outta here and youre gonna help me.
(Marla freaks out. She stomps on his foot, jabs him in the stomach, and knocks the gun out of his hands.
As she moves out of the way, the cop shoots Dan.)
DAN: No, it cant end this way….(He dies)
MARLA: Oh my!
POLICE: That was very impressive, maam. Are you alright?
MARLA: Oh sure, they gave self defense classes at the Y a few years back. I guess they worked, huh?
POLICE: Well, I guess I can take it from here. Thank you maam. You helped stop a vicious criminal today.
MARLA: Well, officer, Im just glad I could help. Have a nice day. (Exits)
(Pause)
POLICE: Shes gone. (Dan gets up)
DAN: Thanks a lot. These incidents are getting way out of hand.
POLICE: Well, Im glad to help when I can.
DAN: Hey, I have a fan club function next month. Can I call you?
POLICE: You have my pager number.
(They shake hands)
BLACKOUT