MISSION ARCHIVE


LEXICON: some new terms to work into your
everyday conversation.
One In The Chamber (Two possible uses: 1. Right in the middle of something - "Boss: Can you do this? You: Sorry boss, got one in the chamber." Use #2. A kidney stone on its way out.)

Shark Twat (Something unattainable. "Man that promotion is shark twat!")

Jim Caviezel (Expletive. Replaces "Jesus Christ!" - Bang shin on table "Arg! Jim Caviezel that smarts!!")

Cooler By The Lake (Doing well. Can't complain. "How you doing?" "Cooler by the lake" - Really works in the Chicago area.)

sweetcoolfuckerbitch (One word. Never capitalized. Looks great in chat rooms. Used to describe a person or thing you have no strong feelings about. "He/she is a sweetcoolfuckerbitch" "I was feeling all sweetcoolfuckerbitch about the whole thing.")

PRODUCT! (Due to some comments on the Interface Board, this mission has changed. This is now a negative term. Like fake, sellout etc. Thanks Grego and Agent Orange!)

horsely (Not feeling quite right. "Man, I'm feeling horsely." "That was one horsely situation.")

Monkey(s) Up (Somebody on your case. On your back, like a being mounted by a monkey. "So suddenly my boss monkeys up on me" "I'm gonna monkey up on that guy")

Monkey Hump(A variation on the term above. But a physical version. When somebody gets too close to you in person, in a car. "You gonna monkey hump me? Back up!" "Look at this Lexus back there, trying to monkey hump me")

Illumin-hottie (Hot woman in a position of power.)

Making Giblet Gravy (Going #2)

Giggle Swamp (The vagina)


CONSUMER: The customer is always right

The consumer mission is this: Go to McDonald's. Order a Big Mac but ask them to replace the beef patties with McChicken patties (the fried variety). If they squawk, let them know that every other McD's you've been too has done it for you.If they still refuse, don't make a fuss, simply ask for a comment card and suggest they add it to the menu. (I realize not everybody likes McD's or the Big Mac. Obviously, if this one offends you, it is not necessary that you do it. I believe that if enough people request this, within a year it will be on the menu.)

The consumer mission is this: Go to Jelly Belly's (the gourmet jelly beans)website. and send them an email requesting that "Swiss Cheese" be made a flavor. It would be interesting to see if they respond to many people making the request. They have limited run flavors. Also working on Ben and Jerry's they have flavor suggestions too. Any ideas?


AT THE BAR: Great places to affect people.
Order a "WILLY WONKA' make sure you sound like you've ordered it a thousand times (unless you know the bartender - in that case, say you heard about it online.) When asked to explain, it is 1 part Creme De Cocoa 2 parts Coke. (I swear, they're good. I drink them all the time. I dubbed it the WW in a bar in Boston.) You can also have a cherry added if you like.


THE WEB: The great wide open.

CHATROOMS: Capitalize the middle letter of every word.(heLlo, nO, trEndy - obviously if there are only two letters capitalize the last.)

BOYCOTT SMILIES - everytime someone uses a smiley or variation thereof, retort with "Scab!". When they ask what you're doing, tell them you are boycotting smilies. (The internet rimshot)

PAG (acronym for Playing Air Guitar)

Find a strange cause or special interest group. One that seems COMPLETELY out of character for you. Put a link to their website in your signature for everything and sign all your emails as Deacon. Deacon Eric. Deacon Dale.