PRAWN
Episode 3: "Pontification Ain't The Way"
by Eric Schwartz

FADE UP

ANNC:  When we last left Prawn he was embroiled in a 
	life or death struggle with Mrs. Vestavia Zago
	mother of his arch enemy, Dr. Zago.

SCENE 1 - THE ZAGO HOUSEHOLD

F/X:  A HANDGUN IS COCKED

MOM:	Don't move Prawn! I have you right where I
	want you!

PRAWN:	Aw crap!

MOM:	That's right Prawn. I am finally going to 
	succeed where my shmuck of a son keeps
	failing. 

PRAWN:	(Thinking fast) Mrs. Zago, can you really shoot
	me? I can't believe that a strong, smart woman,
	like you would...uh...resort to that kind of 
	violence.

MOM:	Shut your shrimphole, Prawn! I'm gonna 
	fill you with so much lead...that ... you'll
	have to ... carry a card to get through..
	security at the airport...if ... you know...
	you were to survive...the gunshot wound...
	and go ...you know...on a flight...if 

F/X:	LOUD PUNCH, MRS. ZAGO SHRIEKS AND 
	COLLAPSES.

PRAWN:	Runs in the family.

FADE OUT

FADE IN:  PRAWN THEME SONG

FADE OUT

FADE IN:

SCENE 2 - ZAGO'S HIDEOUT

F/X: FOOTSTEPS AS DR. ZAGO PACES

ZAGO:	Soon! So soon Prawn will be dead and  
	I will rule city!

PAIGE:	You're so lame.

ZAGO:	Quiet. I'm... pontificating. I think that's
	the right word. SLITH!

SLITH:	(In distance) Yeah?!

ZAGO:	Is pontificate the right word for what I'm 
	doing?

SLITH:	(Nearing) What are you doing?

ZAGO:	Oh, you know, the usual recap in a menacing 
	fashion. The positive spin. All the.."soon 
	Prawn will be dead" stuff.

SLITH:	Well... to pontificate is to express opinions
	or judgements in a dogmatic way. While it
	is still up in the air whether or not you will
	succeed...

ZAGO:	(Forced cough)

SLITH:	I'm sure you will. But I suppose it does 
	qualify as an opinion. But I think you're 
	not so much pontificate as... hmmm...

ZAGO:	Eulogizing?

SLITH:	No that's to praise in speech or writing like
	at a funeral. No... it's more...

ZAGO:	Speeching?

PAIGE:	That's not even a word dillhole.

ZAGO:	Shut up.

SLITH:	I know! You're soliloquizing. A soliloquy is 
	a dramatic or literary discourse where a 
	character is alone or unaware of the presence
	of other characters.

ZAGO:	Talking to myself, right?

SLITH:	Yep. Talking to yourself.

PAIGE:	Loudly.

ZAGO:	Thank you Slith. 

SLITH:	No prob.

ZAGO:	So... Be quiet! I'm talking to myself! Now,
	where was I?

FADE OUT

FADE IN

SCENE 3 - THE ZAGO HOUSEHOLD

F/X PRAWN RIFLING THROUGH PAPERS

PRAWN:	Where did she put that forwarding address.

MOM:	(Distant) You'll never find it jag!

PRAWN:	Pipe down and stop squirming! Prawn is not
	accountable for chaffing. Now she dropped it...
	AH HA!  Here it is! 

MOM:	Put that down!

PRAWN:	What are you gonna do? Get old at me? So, your
	darling Dexter has set up shop in the old ...
	ewe... cow insemination plant.

MOM:	Don't judge! Abandoned property with ample
	room to conceive and hatch evil plots aren't
	that abundant anymore.

BOTH:	Starbuck's.

PRAWN:	Well, I will take my leave of you Mrs. Zago.
	Perhaps we could meet some other day, under
	better circumstances. Perhaps we could be 
	friends in another time another...

MOM:	Christ! Please go away!

PRAWN:	Right.

FADE OUT

FADE IN:

SCENE 4 -  THE PRESLEY HOUSE

F/X PHONE RINGS TWICE ANSWERING MACHINE PICKS 
UP

MACHINE: (Prawn's voice) Hey this is the Presleys. 
	We're not here right now. Unless you
	intend to make some stupid Elvis joke, leave
	a message.

F/X: BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP

TASHA:	(Picks up) Hello? Oh hi Roberta. I don't
	know... Gina's already home? Helicopter?
	He took them where. Paige WHAT!? Thanks
	for letting me know.

F/X:	SLAMS PHONE DOWN

TASHA:	Justin you are dead!

FADE OUT

FADE IN

SCENE 5 - ZAGO'S HIDEOUT

ZAGO:	Once Prawn is... see... I hate this! Once I
	stop making an evil speech the mood gets
	ruined and I can't start it up again. Let me 
	see...

F/X:	GLASS SMASHES

PRAWN:	Hold it right there Zago!

ZAGO:	Prawn! Delightful. 

PAIGE:	Does this mean you're finally going to shut
	up?

PRAWN:	Honey, I don't care if he is an evil madman
	hellbent on killing me, I don't want you
	talking to adults that way.

PAIGE:	Whatever.

SLITH:	She's at that age.

ZAGO:	I have waited a long time Prawn. A long
	time I was in the cooler. Do you know 
	what happens in prison Prawn?

ALL:	(Burst out laughing)

ZAGO:	Shut up! It's not funny!

PRAWN:	Of course not. (giggle) It's degrading to
	be used as currency and then (giggle)have
	to make a new friend. (They all laugh again)

ZAGO:	Stop it! I knew no ass-love.

(Laughter stops)

PRAWN:	Woah Mr. Pottymouth, you mind toning it down
	a little when my daughter is here. 

F/X: FOOTSTEPS RUNNING, LARGE LASER POWERS UP

ZAGO:	Prawn! We'll see who's laughing when I 
	kill you and your daughter with my 
	death ray. 

PRAWN:	Must think fast. That laser is on wheels! 
	I just need to move it slightly. Ah! My
	trusty Prawn-a-rang. Oh! And I need to 
	rename this thing.

ZAGO:	Now say goodbye to your daughter!

PAIGE:	Dillhole.

ZAGO:	Die!

PRAWN:	Prawn-a-rang AWAY!

F/X: 	THE PRAWN-A-RANG WHIPS THROUGH THE AIR. 
	LOUD CLANG. LASER BLAST. HUGE SOUND
	OF GLASS VAT SHATTERING. A MASSIVE RUSH
	OF WATER.

ZAGO:	Prawn! Curse you! I missed.

SLITH:	And you hit that poorly placed vat of 
	SUPRA-GROW.

ZAGO:	My formula! NO! Damn you Prawn!

PRAWN:	Paige! Oh no! She's taking the full force
	of the wave!

PAIGE:	Dad?

F/X:	ROPES SNAP. CREAKING AND TEARING AS PAIGE 
	GROWS TO 15 TIMES HER NORMAL SIZE. CRASH 
	OF THE CEILING AS SHE BURSTS UP INTO THE
	NIGHT

PAIGE:	(Again only this time her voice booms and
	echoes) Dad.

ZAGO:	Uh.... bye.

F/X:	TWO SETS OF FOOTSTEPS RUN AWAY.

PRAWN:	Aw crap.

ANNCR:	Join us again next time for another exciting
	episode of Prawn!

FADE OUT

TITLE MUSIC