INTERVIEW WITH RAYMOND ANONYMOUS

(Originally appearing in Whitefish Times – 1986)

 

For the last ten years Raymond A. has been frightening small children with his gory, inhuman and high budget special effects. His best known works include; The Vampire Bum Who Ate Half of Skid Row, It Came From My Nasal Passages and the epic I Was a Teenage Hatchet Murderer.  We decided that, since we have a page minimum, we should sit down and interview him.

 

WFT:  Hello Ray.

 

RAY:   Hello.

 

WFT:  Let me start by asking you one fundamental question that has been going through my mind – why do you design such gory, horrifying effects? Do you derive some sort of demented pleasure from it?

 

RAY:   Well, I suppose I do in a way.  I mean, it’s illegal to do most of the stuff… atrocities, really… that I design. So I design them from my own personal fantasies. (He gave a low growl at this point.)  Excuse me. So really… I thrive off them since I can’t, in any moral … or, um… legal way, go out and actually do these things myself.

 

WFT:   It is well known that you will go and see your movies over and over and over again in the theaters.  What kind of audience reaction do you like to see to your films.

 

RAY:   I really feel good when women cringe in fear and disgust while giving their boyfriend’s legs gangrene with their hand. I love that. It also gives me a charge to see grown men stumble from the theater wretching.

 

WFT:   What is your deepest, innermost desire?

 

RAY:   To become possessed by Satan and wreak havoc in kindergartens nation wide,

 

WFT:   Thank you for spending some time with us today. Now, get out before we have you thrown out.

 

RAY:   I’ve enjoyed it. (Growl).