NO FILTER : A Transcript

 

Good morning everyone.

 

First let me say how honored I am to have the opportunity to speak to you all today. It’s been a long conference and I’m sure everyone is tired. But we have done a lot of work here for which you should be commended. That’s why I wanted to be the last one to talk to you. (Chuckled) Back at home office we call this the “hatchet stand”. You know? The last speaker at the last breakfast session on the last day of a conference… everybody wants to throw a hatchet at you. (Laughing  harder)  Normally you pray you don’t get this spot. I volunteered because I thought that what I have to say is important and I want you to carry it with you as you leave.

 

This morning there was a little hand written note slipped under my door. It said “No Filter”.  I’m assuming it was put there by our Events Coordinator Shelly Bromley. Shelly?! Where are you?  There. Can you stand up please?  Let’s give Shelly and her team a round of applause for the outstanding job they did this year. Fantastic, really.  (Thunderous applause)  I’m certain that none of us will soon forget opening night pig roast and luau… or “Mixed Martial Arts” night in the hospitality suite.  Incidentally both Randy Crocker and Bella Atatole are doing fine and should be released tomorrow in time to catch their flights home. They sent along thanks for all the cards and well wishes.

 

So, “No Filter” – the words under my door this morning. As one of our company’s Vice-President’s, there are a lot of lines that we have to walk. We have to tread very carefully around issues and plans and goals. We have to be careful what we say. Employee confidence and, in a lot of ways, employee loyalties rise and fall based on what we say.  There are things we are told by upper management that we can’t say. There are things we know in our gut we shouldn’t say. It’s constricting and sometimes, I’ll be honest with you, frustrating.


So when I get a note under my door that says “No Filter”, I think; ‘great’! It’s time for some serious talk and the gloves to come off. It’s time for some real dialogue. The straight poop – if you’ll excuse my language. Look, we’re all adults here, right? We live in an adult world. So today I’m not going to talk to you like employees that need to be managed. I’m going to talk to you like grown ups. No filter.

 

Unless you’ve been living in a hovel in the mountains, I don’t need to tell you how dire our current economic situation is. And the numbers coming out of home office are not good. If I’m without filter I will give it to you straight – we’re fucked. You don’t know this but more than half of your managers have feelers out looking for a place to land when we go under.  They have every intention of leaving you high and dry or as my grandfather used to say – leave a floater in the toilet and the oldest daughter pregnant. That’s how fucked we are, my friends.

 

But the news is not all bad. You still have time to turn this around. We are still several months away from the end of the fiscal year and while the numbers are sucking like a chubby chick with a promise ring – there is more than enough time to turn them around.  And we’re all grown ups here. You do what ever you need to to close that sale. And ladies and gentlemen, you know what that means. I want to see cleavage out there! I was in the hospitality suites – you ladies know when to work it when you want to. Don’t you think hitting your numbers and keeping your job is worth a quick flash or a feel up by a client? Jesus! Why do you think we hired you?

 

And guys – take in those dockers a bit. There’s a lot of lady buyers out there who want to check out more than the company’s merchandise. So take ‘em in a bit. Unless you’re a fat dude, like Mort Stencil. And work it for the gays! Gay money still earns interest. Gay money can put us in the black as well as any other kind.  I’m not saying you have to go all the way with them – but a little same sex flirting and fooling around never made anybody gay! Am I right girls?!

 

Those numbers are more important than anything. More important than your self esteem. More important than your marriages. More important than your health. We have a wonderful benefits package that will take care of all shots or ointments you might need as a result of whoring yourself out for our company. We are all on the same team. Sometimes you need to take one, or several… sometimes at the same time… for the team. I want you people out there humping us into the black! Do you hear me?! I don’t want you taking food out of my kids mouths by not putting something in yours!!! Am I being fucking clear?!?!?!

 

Jesus, I feel free!! It’s like I’ve taken the muzzle off. Why do I need to silence the truth? Huh?! We all know that sales is always about sex! Always. Fuck. (Took out a flask and had a huge drink). God damn! When I was coming up through the ranks – we didn’t talk about it, but there were no bones made about what we were all willing to do to close a sale. I fondled my share of closet cases. I got guys hookers and blow. I threatened peoples children. Sure. I killed a guy. Well, two guys, but one of them actually died from an infection in the hospital – not from what I did to him. And you know what it got me, bitches?! 7 figures. Fuckin’ A right.. 7 figures – a hot ass wife, 4 mistresses, an office with a view and the title of vice-fuckin’-president! (Lit a cigarette)

 

You kids. I don’t know where you learned sales but you don’t have the stones to make it work. You think it’s all about online access and hand shakes. It’s not! It’s all about hang-overs and orgasms and blackmail threats. But they don’t teach that any more at “business school”. And because you didn’t learn that – this whole company is circling the bowl. Little shits.

 

(Pause. Someone came on stage and handed him a note. He read it.)

 

Ah. I see.

 

Okay – it seems that my “No Filter” note was… um… actually to inform me that this microphone would… not have a filter on it. Um… which I had requested. So… I have misinterpreted what that note… meant. And, unfortunately… because there is no filter on this microphone, all the “S”s and “P”s were a little strong during my… well… I suppose you can only call it a rant. (Someone in the crowd said something) What?!  Oh… yes I suppose meltdown would be another word for it.

 

Okay – I can see from the clock and the way Tamara Dushku is lining up at the back of the room with hotel security… Actually, let’s give Tamara and the entire H.R. team a big round of applause for the fine work they always do. (Meager applause). Anyway, I think it’s time for me to go. Thanks again. I hope to see you all again real soon. Have a great meeting today. Go team.