Naughty Pastries
(originally appeared on 16 To Midnight)

        The Naughty Pastry Man kicked off his shoes. He put down his bag of naughty pastries and turned on the TV. The phone rang. He raised the receiver to his ear but he didn’t speak. He just listened.

        "Hello?" Came the voice. "Is there somebody there?" Finally the Naughty Pastry Man grunted a greeting. "Oh!" Said the voice. "Is this the Naughty Pastry Man?"


        The woman’s voice quivered slightly. "I need a naughty pastry."

        The Naughty Pastry Man sighed heavily. "Let me guess. You need a pastry in the shape of some reproductive organ, right? You need it for a bachelorette party or a fortieth birthday party. Big laughs, right? This is where our world has gone. Gaining cheap laughs by eating pastries shaped like hidden body parts. Tarts. Cream Puffs. I mean, isn’t it enough that they’re suggestive to begin with?! No! We have to take that extra step down the ladder of good taste and make them quite blatantly filthy. I’ve sold my soul doing this. I’m empty and hollow inside from making little genital desserts for remorseless monsters like you! Do you hear me? I quit. I’ve got to burn all my custom-made baking tins and work my way back to heaven. So, shove that up your naughty pastry."

        The phone line went dead. The ex-Naughty Pastry Man sat back, his burdened soul cleansed. He reached into his bag and gobbled up his last naughty cherry pastry.