REINDEER MAIMS

by e

LIGHTS UP

(A Christmas party. Badge Phalange is answering the door. Bill Chow Chow and his female companion Teresa Bagmehard enter. Elsewhere in the room Badge’s wife Clarissa and Emily Pinch- N’Soft are mingling.)

BADGE: Bill! Teresa! Come in.

TERESA: Merry Christmas! (She hugs Badge)

BILL: (Shaking his hand.) Hey manny!

BADGE: Well come on in. Emily and Clarissa are over there by the food table.

BILL: Are the Quences coming?

BADGE: Yeah, but they called a little while ago. They hit some bad traffic in Schaumburg so they’ll be a little late.

(Teresa and Bill wave to Clarissa and move to them and mingle as there is another KNOCK on

the door. Badge goes to the door.)

JACK: (Enters) Merry christmas buddy. (He holds out a grocery bag)

BADGE: Hey Jack. (Takes the bag.)

JACK: That’s some stuff for you.

BADGE: What is it?

JACK: Well, remember I told you I was going up to Canada with my brother. Well, believe it or not, yours truly bagged himself a deer.

BADGE: (Impressed) You did.

JACK: Yep. It was a six point buck. Beautiful.

BADGE: Wow. Well done.

JACK: Anyway, I took it to a butcher, he made all sorts of stuff out of it. I’ve got meat to last for ages, man. So there’s some breakfast sausages and a couple of venison steaks and some “slim jim” beef-sticky- things I thought you could put out on the food table.

BADGE: Thanks man. I’ll do that.

JACK: Sorry man. I gotta take a leak. I’ll be right back. (He goes off)

(Badge pulls the wrapped white butcher’s package out of the bag. He reads the writing. It

apparently reads “Meat Sticks” so he opens the package. He reaches in and pulls out a stick and

bites into it. He nods in approval and munches a little more. Finally something else in the

package catches his eyes. Confused he reaches in and produces a Red Nose with some matted

brown hair still attached to it. He looks at it for a moment and then his eyes grow wide in horror.

He spits his mouthful back into the bag. Jack reenters.)

JACK: So how is it, buddy?

BADGE: (Rushes him to the corner furthest from the mingling group.) Look at this! (He shows Jack the nose.)

JACK: (Oblivious) What? He said there might be some extraneous parts in there. You know where it came from.

BADGE: That’s not the point. Look closely at this!

JACK: What?

BADGE: It’s red.

JACK: So…(it finally dawns on him) ahhhh…oh crap!!!

BADGE: Nice going Charleton Heston! You bagged Rudolph.

JACK: Oh man!

BADGE: This is terrible!

JACK: I thought something was weird about that kill.

BADGE: What was weird about it?

JACK: I shot him out of a tree.

BADGE: Jack! This is horrible. We’ve got to do something. Christmas is 4 days away.

JACK: You don’t think this will affect things, do you?

BADGE: I don’t know.

(Clarissa comes over.)

CLARISSA: Hello boys. (Badge stashes the nose.) Are you two being the anti-social twins? Hiding over here from the other guests. (She smiles.) Hi Jack.

JACK: (Pulls himself together) Hi Clarissa.

BADGE: Hi honey.

CLARISSA: So what are you two whispering about over here?

BADGE: Oh, you know, unsavory guy stuff.

CLARISSA: Okay. Well, don’t be too long, you do have other guests.

BADGE: Oh. I know.

(Clarissa returns to the others.)

JACK: So what are we going to do?

BADGE: I don’t know.

JACK: Should we, you know…call him?

BADGE: How? You know he’s got to be busy this time of year.

JACK: But he can’t fly without…you know the lead reindeer.

BADGE: It’s typical of you. Did you even look?

JACK: No. What are the chances?

BADGE: Look, let’s just keep quiet for the time being and maybe things will blow over.

CLARISSA: Honey? Could you put some music on?

BADGE: Sure! (Looks at Jack) Just don’t say anything. (Badge walks to the radio and turns it on.

(The Twelve Days Of Christmas comes out of the radio. A few moments into it the song is

interrupted)

RADIO: (From CD) We interrupt this broadcast with an emergency news flash. Famed beast of burden Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, who has been missing now for two weeks, is believed dead. While no body has been found, Canadian Mounted police have found traces of blood that have been matched to Rudolph and shotgun shells believed to be from the weapon used to in the murder. Santa Claus just recently finished briefing the press on the tragedy.

SANTA: At this time I can neither confirm nor deny whether or not Rudolph is still alive. All I can say is that Christmas could be postponed indefinitely.

RADIO: Authorities have made contact with and Illinois butcher they believe may have unknowingly aided in this crime. Details will follow.

(Badge clicks off the radio and looks at the group. He realizes they are all munching on the

Rudolph snacks. Bill turns around and holds one up.)

BILL: Man! These are great.

(Badge and Jack hold back their retching and rush them.)

BOTH: No! Stop!

CLARISSA: What’s up?

BADGE: Jack! He shot Rudolph by accident. Those are Rudolph nummies.

(They all drop their meat sticks)

BILL: Oh sweet God!

CLARISSA: JACK! How could you?

JACK: He was standing there.

BADGE: In a tree!!!

JACK: Look! I made a mistake. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I’ve ruined Christmas.

CLARISSA: Well we have to do something. Did anybody inform Santa?

BADGE; No. Not yet.

CLARISSA: I think you should give him a call.

JACK: I don’t even know his number.

BILL: Call the mall.

BADGE: That’s not the real Santa.

BILL: I know, but he works for him.

JACK: (Picks up phone) Fine. Hello? Is this The Mall. Yeah I’d like to speak with Santa please. What? No I don’t have an appointment. (Covers phone) He’s not taking calls. (Back to phone) Okay. Thanks. (He hangs up) Apparently, if I want to get a message to him, I need to get in line and sit on his lap.

BADGE: Well, you better get in line.

JACK: I’m not going to sit on some Mall Santa’s knee and confess that I was the shooter that mowed down Rudolph.

CLARISSA: Well what do you suggest then?

JACK: (Thinks for a minute) Hey are your kids upstairs?

BADGE: Yeah but…NO!

JACK: It could be like an anonymous tip. I’ll leave the meat in the woods and they can…

BADGE: No! Number one! I’m not going to tell my kids that Rudolph is dead. Two, I don’t want to have to explain that I ATE part of him.

BILL: And who knows what part.

BADGE: Oh God!!

(Sirens can now be heard in the distance)

JACK: Oh man their coming!

CLARISSA: We gotta get out of here!

BADGE: (Can’t move) Wait! (He can’t let go of the bag) I can’t let go.

(The others bolt leaving him alone)

POLICE: (From outside) Attention! This is the police. We know you’re in there. You have 10 seconds to come out before we send in our tactical nuclear warheads.

(Badge attempts to scream but nothing comes out of his mouth.)

THE LIGHTS FLICKER AND DIM.

(Badge wakes on the couch with a jolt)

BADGE: Oh god! What a horrible dream. (He runs to the window) Say boy! What day is today!

BOY: (Off) Why it’s Christmas sir!

BADGE: Oh Lord be praised! I haven’t missed it. Boy! Take this money run down the street to…(He pulls the nose out of his pocket.)

THE MUSIC FROM PSYCHO PLAYS

BADGE: AAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGG!!!!!

THE MUSIC STOPS SUDDENLY.

BADGE: Wait a second. What the hell do I care? I’m Jewish.

BLACKOUT