IF I ONLY HAD A BRAN

by Eric

 

LIGHTS UP

 

(Millie sits behind a desk. There is a knock.)

MILLIE:             Come in. (Steve enters) Hi Doug. Close the door. (Steve does so.) Have a seat.

 

STEVE:            How are you today?

 

MILLIE:             I’m fine, Doug.

 

STEVE:            Good. Good.

 

MILLIE:             I’m gonna get right to this. As you know, Doug, it’s policy here at Kellogg’s to give our Marketing Managers a six-month probation when they start. This is followed by a six-month review to determine how things are going.

 

STEVE:            I am aware.

 

MILLIE:             Well, you’ve been with Marketing for six months now and I have been looking over your progress. I have to tell you, it really doesn’t look like it’s working out.

 

STEVE:            Oh.

 

MILLIE:             We brought you on board to work on our tie-in cereals. You do know what those are, right?

 

STEVE:            Yeah, promotional cereals that “tie-in” with movies.

 

MILLIE:             Bingo. So why have you done nothing but turn in new marketing ideas for Raisin Bran?

 

STEVE:            Well…

 

MILLIE:             I mean you haven’t come up with a single cartoon tie-in cereal. No marshmallow designs. Nothing. (Looks again at his file again.) I’m sorry. I take that back you did turn in some half-finished proposal for a tie in to “The Ring”. 

 

STEVE:            Yes I did.

 

MILLIE:             Little whole grain rings?

 

STEVE:            Yep.

 

MILLIE:             So your proposal for the movie tie-in was Cheerios.

 

STEVE:            (Thinks for a moment and then chuckles.) Heh. Yeah I suppose it was.

 

MILLIE:             The thing I really want to talk to you about is this obsession with Raisin Bran.

 

STEVE:            It’s a good cereal.

 

MILLIE:             It is a good cereal. I would even go so far as calling it a great cereal. A classic.

 

STEVE:            I would agree.

 

MILLIE:             Then why are you trying to mess with it?!

 

STEVE:            I just thought…

 

MILLIE:             Do you realize that Raisin Bran is a top seller and we haven’t spent a red cent  promoting it in six years. Six years.

 

STEVE:            I just think we could jazz it up a bit.

 

MILLIE:             Jazz it up? It’s raisin bran!! There hasn’t been a major advance in raisin bran technology in …what?…5, 600 years? It’s raisins and bran. It ceases to be that if we do ANYTHING it.

 

STEVE:            I thought I had some compelling ideas.

 

MILLIE:             Compelling? Are you serious? Let me read you some of these compelling ideas.

 

STEVE:            You don’t really need to.

 

MILLIE:             No. I WANT to. It helps keep me focused. First out of the gate, “Raisin Bran EXTREME!” What the hell was that?

 

STEVE:            Just trying to tap the 11 - 20 year olds.

 

MILLIE:             You will never excite kids about Raisin Bran. This cereal is for parents to force on their kids and for older people who are at constant war with their colon. Let’s move on.  Here’s another one. “Whoops! All Raisins.”

 

STEVE:            Just a cute little summer promotion. It would be a limited run.

 

MILLIE:             It’s a box of raisins.

 

STEVE:            That’s…

 

MILLIE:             A BIG box of raisins.

 

STEVE:            Yes…but…

 

MILLIE:             Cereal is grain. You know that right. Cereal, is literally, grain. It’s not just food that comes in a box that you eat in the morning. There has to be some kind of grain based product for us to honestly slap the word CEREAL on the box.

 

STEVE:            It was just…

 

MILLIE:             Do you know how heavy a box of raisins that size would be? 10, 12 pounds.

 

STEVE:            It wasn’t my strongest idea.

 

MILLIE:             How about this one …(incredulous) PRUNE BRAN!!!

 

STEVE:            They’re like …big raisins.

 

MILLIE:             Oh! Here’s my favorite one… your Halloween proposal: “Raisins? or Roaches?”

STEVE:            That would have been huge.

 

MILLIE:             Doug. I’m sorry we have to let you go. There is no room in Marketing for this. We have a Raisin Bran marketing person.

 

STEVE:            You do?

 

MILLIE:             Yeah. He’s 94 years old and has been on a respirator for the last 17 years. And he’s turned in better proposals than you.

 

STEVE:            Look. I have some more great ideas. The Roaches thing was all wrong. What about Raisin Brains?

 

MILLIE:             HEY! You got two scoops of shit in your ears? I want you out of your cubicle in the next 45 minutes.

 

STEVE:            (As she’s ushering him out of the door.) Look. Please give me another chance. I can do the tie-ins. I’ll never touch Raisin Bran again.

 

MILLIE:             Okay you have fifteen seconds to knock my socks off with an idea. (She looks at her watch)

 

STEVE:            Uhh…uh…

 

MILLIE:             Tick tock, buddy boy.

 

STEVE:            I know!  Day Time Talk Shows!!!

 

MILLIE:             (Thinks) Go on.

 

STEVE:            Uh..uh..Berry Springer! Ricki Flakes! Uh…Dr….Phil My Bowl…and Oprah!

 

MILLIE:             Keep going.

 

STEVE:            You like it?

 

MILLIE:             No. I’m stalling until security gets here to tazer your ass.

 

BLACKOUT