LIGHTNING DOLT

by Eric

LIGHTS UP

(There is a large pillow on the couch. A lamp on the table. A phone and a remote control also sit on the table. Kris is preening in the mirror. There is a knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens it. DAN walks in. He carries a big duffle bag.)

KRIS: Hi.

DAN: Hi.

KRIS: (Noticing bag) You just coming from the gym.

DAN: Huh? Oh no it’s just some work I’m bringing home.

KRIS: Well the reservations aren’t until 8. C an I get you something to drink?

DAN: Sure.

KRIS: Let’s see. Beer, wine, scotch, coke, water.

DAN: Water would be fine.

KRIS: Okay. I’ll be right back. Don’t go too far.

(DAN looks around. He picks up the remote and fiddles with it.)

KRIS: (Off) So on the phone you never answered my question.

DAN: Which question was that?

KRIS: What do you do?

DAN: Oh I do quality testing for Consumption Magazine.

KRIS: You just break stuff?

DAN: (Laughs) I guess.

KRIS: Are you good at it?

DAN: (Suddenly crushes the remote in his hand.) Uh…yeah I’m a natural. (DAN rushes to his duffle bag and begins to rummage through it. He grabs another remote and heads for the table. He crushes it in his hand again.)

KRIS: You sure you don’t want a scotch? I’ve got a great 14 year old single malt downstairs. Glen Levitt or Glen Campbell or something.

DAN: (Getting another remote.) That’d be great. (He gingerly walks toward the table.)

KRIS: Ice?

(This shocks DAN who smashes the remote again.)

DAN: Yeah. That’d be great. (He grabs another remote and gets it placed on the table just as the phone rings. In terror he puts his fist through the phone. He goes to his bag and pulls out an identical phone. He places it on the table. He stands for a moment. Every thing seems fine. His sits on the couch. There is a howl from a cat. He extracts the now dead body of a cat from under the large pillow. He stares at it for a moment. Then he goes to his bag and pulls out another cat. He moves toward the couch.)

KRIS: (Re-enters and stops. DAN freezes with the cat behind his back. ) Oh wait. Ice. (She exits again.)

(DAN throws the new cat under the pillow just as Kris reenters.)

KRIS: Here you go.

DAN: Thanks.

KRIS: It’s nice to finally meet you after all that time on the phone.

DAN: I know.

KRIS: I really feel like I know you but you make this whole room seem new.

DAN: You’ll get that a lot.

(Suddenly there is a pained, muffled meow. DAN’s eyes grow huge.)

KRIS: What was that?

DAN: Nothing. (Holds out his scotch) Lemon?

KRIS: What.

(MEOW)

DAN: Lemon. Do you have any lemon?

KRIS: Lemon? In scotch?

DAN: I know (MEOW) It’s weird. (Kris takes his drink. DAN runs to the bag. He opens it. There is a loud, pained meow. DAN looks around in a panic. Finally he spies the lamp. He grabs the lamp and beats the cat to death with it. He then returns to where he was. Kris reenters.)

KRIS: One single malt scotch with a lemon twist.

DAN: (Sits) Thank you. (He takes a sip. He puckers and his leg shoots out flipping over the table with the lamp, phone and remote. He jumps to save them but is too late. He manages to save the remote but crushes it when it all seems futile.) Kris. I’m sorry. You seem like a beautiful lady and I would love to get to know you better but it’s not going to work. You see, I’m a clutz. I’m an oaf! A dolt! I do quality testing because it’s the only job I can hold down. I destroy everything I touch. And I don’t want to destroy you. (He moves to leave.) I’ll send you a check for everything. (He goes to hand her his glass.)

KRIS: Wait!

DAN: (Shatters the glass in his hand.) You see? I can’t help it. It’s all I am.

KRIS: Before you go. I just really want to give this a chance. I don’t care if you’re clumsy. I think you’re great. I don’t want to give up yet. Please give me a chance. Give us a chance.

(DAN moves to her and takes her hand. Together, staring into each other’s eyes, they sit

on the couch. There is another cat death howl. DAN puts his face in his hands.)

BLACKOUT