by steve, dan, marla, eric, kris, millie
(performed originally in "Welcome Back Potter")
(Eric, Steve, Marla, Kris and Dan sit around a "table".)
STEVE: Okay. Weve called this emergency meeting of the City Council to discuss our citys preparedness for a biological or chemical attack. Melba Esposito from the CDC has joined us.
MARLA: Good morning. Ive been reviewing your citys current response plan and with the help of Comissioner Robbins (Eric nods) we ran a dry run with some of the response teams…(Dan raises his hand) Yes Mr. Culver.
DAN: I was just wondering if were going to be eating.
STEVE: Uhhhh I think were having some food brought in…(Looks to Kris for some help.)
KRIS: Yeah my assistant is going out to get some doughnuts.
DAN: Krispy Kremes?
KRIS: (Pause) Im not sure. Possibly.
MARLA: Anyway we were very happy to see that our response time was very good BUT there are some short falls in the actual handling of the situations. Commissioner Robbins, would you care to elaborate.
ERIC: Thank you, Melba.
DAN: (Just barely audible) I love Krispy Kremes.
ERIC: Morgan? Was there something you wanted to say?
DAN: I love Krispy Kremes.
ERIC: Yeah. They are good. Anyway, during the bio-terrorism run through we found.
DAN: Theyre just better.
STEVE: Morgan. Your love of Krispy Kremes has been noted. Would you please just let the Commissioner get on with it.
DAN: Theres just something different about them. I dont know what it is.
MARLA: Mr. Morgan. There are serious shortfalls in your citys response to a biological attack. Could we not talk about Krispy Kremes right now? No matter how good they are.
DAN: So you like them too?
MARLA: Yes but I like safe cities better.
DAN: Especially a safe city with Krispy Kremes.
KRIS: Look! Why dont you let the Commissioner finish talking and Ill call my assistant and find out if shes going to Krispy Kreme.
DAN: I really dont know if I can concentrate until I know. Could you call now?
STEVE: Oh for petes sake…
ERIC: Son of a….
MARLA: This is ridiculous.
DAN: Im sorry. I have my needs!
KRIS: Fine! Fine! (Angrily dials.)
DAN: My favorite Krispy Kremes in order from least to most is cream filled then chocolate glazed and my favorite is the plain glazed.
KRIS: (To phone) Sheila. Hi. Morgan wont cooperate until he finds out if you got Krispy Kremes…
DAN: Straight out of the oven of course.
KRIS: Oh. I see…Yeah Ill let him know. (Hangs up) Morgan. She already stopped and she got Dunkin Donuts.
DAN: (Wounded) Oh…well Dunkin Donuts arent so bad.
KRIS: Im sorry.
STEVE: Can we get on with the meeting now?
ERIC: Of course.
STEVE: Good….even though we all kind of got set for Krispy Kremes. But…whatever.
KRIS: Now I feel bad.
ERIC: As well you should. You got all our mouths watering with the prospect of Krispy Kremes and then you yank away our hopes. Who cares right?! Were just the city council!! Just the body politic working to save lives. Thats all!! But hey! Fuck us!! Right? Fuck us with your Dunkin Donuts!
DAN: I want to go home.
STEVE: (To Kris) What made her switch from the 2Ks to the Double Ds anyway.
KRIS: She said the line wrapped around the building 3 times.
ERIC: (Still Ranting) Cant have any Krispy Kremes! Fuck us! The terrorists won!
DAN: Thats an excuse?! The line…
KRIS: Look! Why dont you all shut your mouths!!! Theyre just Donuts for Christs sake.
(GASP! There is a few beats. What follows is nearly all simultaneous)
DAN: Just donuts?! Just….
STEVE: Thats crazy talk!
ERIC: Burn the witch!! Burn the witch!!
DAN: Do you have any idea…what a…stark contrast there is between Krispy Kremes and Dunkin Donuts.
KRIS: Give me a break!
ERIC: The biggest difference is cake. All of Krispy Kremes donuts are yeast donuts. Light. Airy. Heavenly yeast. While Dunkin Donuts does in fact offer some yeast donuts, their main thrust is cake. Hard. crumbly.Crappy CAKE DONUTS!!
DAN: Cake donuts! What is this…the middle ages?!
STEVE: Evil. Pure Evil.
DAN: Thank God for showing us the error of our ways! For giving us a breath of fresh air in a world beseiged by the atrocity that is the CAKE DONUT.
MARLA: (Finally has had enough) SHUT UP! Now you listen to me you tiny minded, small town freaks. I didnt come all the way here from the Atlanta Center For Disease Control to get into an overly dramatic and frankly, a far-too-well thought out debate about FUCKING DONUTS!!! I like Dunkin Donuts. I like cake donuts. I like Entemanns, Dolly Madison, Hostess, Tasty Cake and if I am in an exceptionally jaunty mood I will forego all donuts for an Otis Spunkmeyer muffin. (They all stand silent) And by the way. I HATE Krispy Kremes. I hate them! They are not crispy nor are they creamy. Dunkin Donuts are in fact that! Donuts that one dunks! Donuts of the dunkable type. Do you get it?! Now everybody in this room is going to shut their donut holes and help me help you work out a bioterrorism plan or somebody is gonna get one of these shoes right in the MUNCHKINS!! Am I coming through loud and clear!?! (They all sit) Good. Now. As you know while the threat of an Anthrax out break here is minor…
(Millie walks in with a dozen Dunkin Donuts)
MILLIE: Sorry Im late.
(They all look away in disgust except Marla who takes the box and opens it.)
MARLA: (Taking a bite of a powdered donut) Mmmm. Powdered. My favorite.
MILLIE: I didnt order any powdered….
(Marla stares for a moment at the donut and then keels over.)
DAN: Actually Im a little donutted out. Whos for bagels?
(They all agree and leave.)