JESUS UNDER THE TABLE
(performed at Insomnia Theater)

Jesus was really putting them away. He must have had 3 tequila poppers before Id finished my first rum and Coke. He could really hold his liquor for a skinny guy. I figure he felt compelled to turn water into wine 2000 years ago because he drank all the wine in the first place.

"Hey Jesus!" I shouted

"What?" He said, smirking.

"Can you turn this water into Goldshlager?"

"Go to hell! Im trying to relax."

We both laughed. I turned to Bill Cosby who was busy hitting on Janis Joplin. Bill looked back at me . No words were exchanged but our appreciation of the evening was expressed by a pair of slight smiles and nods.

Al Gore pumped another dollar into the jukebox. "Rainy Day Women" came blaring from the speakers. Bert Lar and Christ jumped up on the table and belted out "EVERYBODY MUST GET STONED!" Then Jesus held two bottles of Ouzo out to his sides at arms length and screamed "I am the way!!!"

He fell backward. Me and Perry Como kept him aloft for a while then gently let him slip to the ground. He scurried under the table and made fart-fart noises and giggled hysterically.

Our Partys behavior  had apparently offended the womans Christian book club that was meeting on the other side of the place. I stepped away from the table and lit a smoke. One of the women approached me.

"You people disgust me." She said.

"Oh yeah?"

"Yes. I hope you know that your hedonistic lifestyle has damned you to hell.

"Thats okay," I chuckled, "I found Jesus under the table."