ONE TRUE GOSH
by Eric
(first performed by Stranges December 1992)

Cast: Ken Ruffalo as Ken , Dale Roe as Gosh

LIGHTS UP

(We find Ken crawling across the desert. He stops and looks up. He speaks to the sky.)

KEN:        Lord? I feel the end drawing near. I dont personally feel that I deserve to die like this. I have lived my life to the best of my ability. I have never taken your name in vain or spoken a foul word to another human being. I wish it could be some other way…but if this is how you planned it…let it be as you planned. (Grabs his hip in pain.) Oh gosh.

VOICE:        Do not take my name in vain!

KEN:        Lord?

VOX:        Uh …no.

KEN:        (Apprehensive) Satan?

VOX:        No….

KEN:        Who is this then?

VOX:        This is Gosh.

KEN:        Gosh?

GOSH:        Yeah. Gods younger brother.

KEN:        I had no idea.

GOSH:        Yeah. No one does. Thats what  I get for being a more "behind the scenes" type.

KEN:        So what is your job?

GOSH:        Well, I do most of the lesser miracles…blind dates, tests, hockey games. That sort of thing.

KEN:        Well…not meaning to be disrespectful but why have you chosen to speak to me?

GOSH:        Well, I needed someone to talk to and I figured that in your weakened, near-death state you would be in the perfect position to believe.

KEN:        OK.

GOSH:        Its just that Im tired of living in my brothers shadow. I mean, Mom and Dad always liked him best.

KEN:        God?

GOSH:        Yeah. They sent him to college and totally supported him when he said he wanted to be the Supreme Being. "Thats nice dear. As long as it doesnt interfere with your schoolwork." At family gatherings everybody would huddle around to watch his "complete genesis out of nothingness" party trick. I had to work my way through Deity Junior college and finally into trade school.

KEN:        Trade school?

GOSH:        Yeah. MIRA-CO.

KEN:        So what is your message?

GOSH:        I want you to go among the people and tell them of me.

KEN:        Ill need some kind of sign.

GOSH:        What kind of sign were you thinking of? A Billboard or what?

KEN:        A vision. A burning bush? Commandments.

GOSH:        I dont know about commandments. I can give 3 or 4 suggestions.

KEN:        How about a pillar of fire?

GOSH:        How about a nice backyard Barbecue. I cant really afford a lot in the way of special effects on my salary.

KEN:        Sounds like you dont like your job too much.

GOSH:        Jobs a job. Ive been looking for something else.

KEN:        Really? Like what?

GOSH:        I figured I could clean up in the Televangelist biz or engineer a Dice comeback.

KEN:        Can you get me out of here?

GOSH:        I dont know. Id have to make a motion at the next board meeting and it would take while and a lot of lobbying. It could even come down to a stalemate. Your best bet is to go it alone.

KEN:        But Ive been out here for 6 days!

GOSH:        Look I empathize…(CLAP OF THUNDER) Ooops thats my beeper. Hold on…

KEN:        Are you still there?

GOSH:        Aw man! I forgot. Weve got a managers meeting in the Jupiter Room. I gotta fly. Ill catch ya later…what was your name again?

KEN:        Ken.

GOSH:        Right. Right. Ken. Catch ya later.

KEN:        Oh my Gosh! Why have you forsaken me?

(PAUSE)

GOSH:        Im sorry. What was that?

KEN:        Oh! Uh… just …why have you forsaken me.

GOSH:        I gotta get up there before Gabriel swipes all the honey crunch doughnuts! Later…

BLACKOUT