by Eric Schwartz ( First performed in "Recount Dracula")
CAST: Steve Lord - Don / Marie Anne Hogarth - Gina / Marla Parus - waitress
(DON sits on stage. GINA enters wearing a lab coat and carrying a briefcase.)
DON: Hey sweetie.
DON: How was work? Just another day at Fermi Lab?
GINA: (Preoccupied) Uh..yeah. I guess.
DON: Honey? Whats wrong.
(They both sit)
GINA: Don, I need to talk to you.
DON: Is everything okay?
GINA: I dont know. Jeeze. I dont know where to start.
DON: Just start at the beginning.
GINA: You remember The Hulk?
DON: The comic book?
GINA: Well…the TV show more. Bill Bixby. Lou Ferrigno.
GINA: Well… Ill cut to the chase. We got a Gamma ray bombardment machine in the lab the other day.
DON: How cool.
GINA: I dont really know how to tell you this but I….
DON: Oh God honey…no.
GINA: I decided to give myself the Bixby treatment.
DON: You blasted yourself with Gamma Rays?! I cant believe Peterd go along with that!
GINA: I did it while everyone was at lunch.
DON: God honey. I cant believe youd do something like this!
GINA: Im sorry.
DON: Did you get yourself checked out? Are you okay?
GINA: Im fine…
DON: Thats good. Thank God.
DON: What? Oh wait. Dont tell me. (Sarcastic) When ever you grow angry or outraged…a startling metamorphosis occurs.
GINA: Well. I decided to try it out. I knew I had to get really mad… so I …took the expressway home.
DON: How could you do this. Did you…hulk out?! All green and bulgy?
DON: Oh my Lord! What have you done to yourself?!
GINA: My boobs went up 4 cup sizes.
DON: I cant believe youd do something so….what?
GINA: When I got mad my breasts increased dramatically in size. Nothing else.
DON: (Suddenly intrigued) Did they turn green?
GINA: (Saddened) No. They just got huge and firm. They shredded my bra.
DON: (Stunned) They ….
GINA: They shredded my bra, popped the buttons on my blouse and honked the car horn! (Slams her face into her hands and sobs) God Don! It was horrible.
DON: (Is quiet for a second. He just stares at her chest.) So…what are you going to do?
GINA: Im not sure theres anything I can do. Ill just have to learn how to control my temper. (She picks up the menu and begins to look)
(Don stares at her for a moment. Wheels spinning. He opens the menu. After a moment he looks up)
DON: My God! Do you see this?!
DON: Veal! They have veal on the menu! Brutality like that in this day and age! Doesnt that piss you off honey?! You should go speak to the manager!
GINA: There was a time when my activist heart would have gotten the best of me…but now… the toll is too great! (She goes back to reading.)
(Don looks frustrated back at his menu. The WAITRESS enters.)
WAIT: Hi. Im Judy, Ill be your waitress. Can I get you two something to drink?
GINA: A coke for me.
DON: (Eyes lighting up) Yeah! A double bourbon and coke!
GINA: DON?! Youre drinking again? Youve been clean for 2 years.
DON: I need a drink. (Pause) Are you mad?
GINA: No just disappointed. (Goes back to menu)
(Waitress starts to leave, Don catches her.)
DON: (Quiet) Actually Ill just have a coke. (The waitress nods and exits. Don sits and thinks for a long time. Finally it dawns on him.) Wow. Ive really misjudged you honey.
GINA: What do you mean?
DON: Youre really understanding. It almost makes me wish I hadnt slept with that girl in the mail room.
GINA: What?! (Getting angry)
DON: Yep. Shtooped her and Marcy the girl across the hall!
(Gina gets up and stands in front of him.)
GINA: You son of a bitch!!
DON: (Directly into her chest) Yup! Both of them and 6 or 7 others I cant recall.
GINA: OH MY GOD!!!!
DON: (Opens his arms waiting for the giant bosoms) Come on my lovelies!! (Gina reaches into her shirt) AWW YEAH!!!! Cmon!!! (She extracts a tape recorder.) Huh?
GINA: Thanks you prick. Ive been waiting for you to admit it.
DON: (Confused) Huh? Where are the she-hulk boobs?
GINA: Oh my god! How fucking stupid are you? (She get up) Once I give this tape to my lawyer the only huge things youll be seeing will be my alimony checks. (Turns and leaves) Dick.
DON: Actually. Can I have that double bourbon?
WAIT: Sorry sir the bar just closed.
WAIT: I know. Doesnt it piss you off?
DON : Tell me about it. (Lights up) Hey. Ever been to Fermi Lab?
WAIT: (Rolls her eyes and walks away) Youre such a boob.