The Wake Up
Call
by Steve
SCENE
STARTS WITH LIGHTS COMING UP ON A BED (TABLE WILL DO) CENTER STAGE, WITH BRUCE
LYING FLAT OUT IN A SEA OF MESSY BLANKETS AND SHEETS. HE IS FACE DOWN, WITH HIS FEET HANGING OVER THE SIDE. A KNOCK IS HEARD TO START THE SCENE
BRUCE
(AFTER
IGNORING THE KNOCK SEVERAL TIMES, HE MOVES SLIGHTLY. FINALLY, HE RESPONDS) Go
away.
MARY
Housekeeping,
Mr. Sputter!
BRUCE
Go
the hell away!
MARY
Time
to get up and at ‘em, Mr. Sputter.
Let’s move it out!
BRUCE
Come
back later, for Christ’s sake. I’m
sleeping!
MARY
(COMING
ONSTAGE FROM STAGE LEFT, AS THOUGH SHE HAS BURST INTO THE ROOM THROUGH THE
DOOR) No sleeping now, Mr.
Sputter. It’s clean-up time!
BRUCE
Jeez! (STIRRING UPWARD TO LOOK AT MARY THROUGH
HAZY EYES) I left the “Do Not
Disturb” sign on the damn door! You
know what that means? Do not disturb!
It means even more than that! It
means. “Go the Fuck Away,” they just can’t put that on signs.
MARY
Oh,
Mr. Sputter…you are so wrong! You guests think you run the place. You don’t.
WE run the place! Got it?
Housekeeping rules! We can’t be
concerned with your petty problems, whether or not you stayed out late or drank
yourself into a smelly stupor. We have
a schedule to keep. You should not have
checked into the 8 am room if you didn’t want to get up at 8 am.
BRUCE
8
am room? Who knew?
MARY
No
excuses, lazy boy! (SHE BEGINS POKING
HIM WITH A TOILET BRUSH) Now get that
body out and up before I coat you in toilet bowl cleaner and stick this scrub
brush up your ass!
BRUCE
(ACTUALLY
RISING OUT OF BED) Hey! You can’t talk to me that way! You’re the maid!
MARY
(SHE
GRAGS HIM AROUND THE COLLAR AND PUTS A CLEANING SPRAY BOTTLE TO HIS HEAD,
SLAMMING HIM DOWN ON THE BED)
Housekeeping! I am with
housekeeping! (BRUCE IS BEING SMOTHERED
IN THE BED, AND IS SCREAMING, BUT HIS SCREAMS ARE MUFFLED BY THE BED) If I hear you say ‘maid’ again, you’ll be
wiping Lysol out of your nose with your toothbrush! Housekeeping! Lemme hear
you say it, germ! (HE YELLS OUT MUFFLED
SCREAMS) Say it! You wanna see what
Liquid Plumber can do to a man’s genitals?!
Say it! (HE SCREAMS IT OUT)
BRUCE
Housekeeping! You’re housekeeping! (SHE LETS HIM UP, AND HE GASPS FOR AIR) Jesus!
(GETTING OUT OF BED AND GOING STAGE RIGHT) You are nuts! I’m not going to stand for this! (HE MOVES TOWARD THE DRESSER NEXT TO THE
BED AND STARTS TO DIAL THE PHONE) I’m
calling the front desk and tell them they have a mentally unstable maid (AS HE
SAYS THIS, SHE RAISES THE SPRAY BOTTLE TOWARD HIM AGAIN) …housekeeping
person! Boy… (DIALING THE PHONE) …you just wait. You are in so much trouble.
MARY
Front
desk? Hah! Whose wimps! Newton? That little germ! He works for me now.
BRUCE
We’ll
just see about this…(TALKING INTO PHONE) Hello? Front desk? I have a
problem up here in room 304 with an insolent employee…well, yes, I think you
should send some up right away. In
fact, I think you should come up
right away…yes. Bruce Sputter, that’s
me…no, I don’t want to leave a wake up call.
I’m already up, thanks to this crazed worker of yours…no, no, just come
up here, will ya? (HE HANGS UP AND
LOOKS AT MARY) Now we’ll get some action.
Just wait until they find you you’ve been threatening guests!
MARY
(IN
A MOCKING VOICE) Oh, I’m s-o-o-o-o
scared. Please don’t sic Mr. Newton
from the front desk on me! He’s
scary. (SHE CACKLES A MOCKING
LAUGH. AS SHE DOES, NEWTON WALKS IN)
NEWTON
Mr.
Sputter?
BRUCE
Yes! Ah, you’re here! Great! Now, I was trying
to get some sleep when this woman
woke me up, held a spray bottle to my head and threatened to…well, er she
threatened to use Liquid plumber on my genitals.
NEWTON
(TURNING
AND SEEING MARY, HE DOES A DOUBLE-TAKE)
Mary! Oh, dear!
MARY
Hello,
Newton. Shall I get the Liquid Plumber out again?
NEWTON
Oh,
dear no! Not again. It won’t be necessary.
BRUCE
Now,
wait a minute. You mean she’s serious
about this Liquid Plumber thing?
NEWTON
Oh,
she’s quite serious. Oh, dear, me,
quite serious. You don’t want to see
it. (ALMOST HYSTERICAL) You don’t want to see what Liquid Plumber
can to do a man’s genitals! (HE HITS
HIS KNEES, SOBBING)
MARY
Well,
germ, any questions? Are we going to
get down to some room cleaning? I’ve
got 20 rooms to clean before noon, and (SHE CLENCHES HER TEETH AND GETS HER
FACE RIGHT INTO BRUCE’S) I don’t like
to be late!
BRUCE
Uh…
NEWTON
(CRYING
AND SOBBING) Don’t do it. Don’t do anything! Don’t take her on! I
tried! I tried to take her on, and look
at me!
BRUCE
(FREAKED) For god’s sake, pull yourself together,
man. (HE WALKS OVER AND STARTS PULLING
NEWTON TO HIS FEET) Maybe we can face
this thing together, eh? The two of
us? That’s it. you and I, a team. Going into battle, eh?
NEWTON
Are
you crazy? Against Bloody Mary? (HE KEEPS WAILING)
MARY
(TO
BRUCE) Grab your sheets over here, will ya?
C’mon, move it, germ.
BRUCE
Huh? (HE LOOKS AT BED, THEN TURNS BACK
DEFIANTLY) Wait a minute! I will not!
You get the sheets yourself!
NEWTON
(RUNNING
OVER TO THE BED) No, don’t do it! (HE BEGINS GATHERING THE SHEETS) Get her the sheets! Get her the sheets! I beg of you! (BRUCE MOVES OVER AND PUSHES NEWTON AWAY)
BRUCE
Move
it, Newton! You have got to get a hold of yourself. This is liberation day, Newton. This is a day that will live in infamy. When in the course of human events, it
becomes necessary for a people to, er, you know, stand up for their sheets,
then you can hold hands and say ‘Free at last, free at last, thank God
Almighty, I’m free at last!’ (NEWTON
AND MARY STARE AT BRUCE FOR A MOMENT)
MARY AND NEWTON
What?
BRUCE
I’m
getting back into this bed, finishing my sleep and there’s nothing you can do
about it, do you understand? I don’t
know how you got all this power, but I’m taking it back right now. The way to deal with a bully is to stand up
to him…er, her! And that’s what I’m
doing! Understand, Mary? You maid!
You hotel maid! You are a maid,
you will always be a maid, so, get out of my room and come back at my convenience. Got it?
(MARY STARES AT HIM, AND NEWTON MOVES TOWARD THE CORNER OF THE STAGE,
CRINGING. MARY KEEPS LOOKING AT BRUCE,
THEN LOOKS OVER AT NEWTON)
NEWTON
He
said it. He said it. I had nothing to do with it. (MARY MOVES CAREFULLY TOWARD THE CENTER OF
THE STAGE. BRUCE SETTLES BACK INTO BED)
MARY
Gee…(QUIET,
STARING OFF INTO SPACE) …I guess you
told me off good. I guess you put me in
my place. Maybe I have been getting too
high, too drunk on power. I guess I got
totally carried away. after all, you
are just the customer, trying to get some rest.
BRUCE
Right. You got it.
That’s me, the customer. Now get
out of my room and let me sleep. You
can come back in a couple of hours.
MARY
(MOVING
TOWARD BRUCE) How can I make it up to
you? I really feel badly. I know, let me tuck you in.
BRUCE
That’s
not necessary. Really. Just let me sleep.
MARY
It’s
no trouble. Why don’t I just tuck you
in? Here… (SHE LEANS DOWN AND TUCKS THE
SHEETS AROUND BRUCE) …this is the least I can do after being so heavy-handed. There.
You’re snug as a bug in a rug.
I’ll leave now, and you just rest.
(MARY EXITS, STAGE LEFT, MOVING SLOWLY, THOUGHTFULLY.)
BRUCE
Well,
thank you. Now good bye. (AFTER MARY LEAVES, NEWTON GETS UP SLOWLY
AND MOVES CAREFULLY OVER TO BRUCE)
NEWTON
Wow! I don’t believe it! You did it!
You faced her down! You are a
gutty man, a forceful man! (HE TAKES A
DEEP BREATH) I just want to bask in the glow of your strength, to feel your
force, to suck in your being…
BRUCE
Be
careful what you say there, Newton.
NEWTON
I’m
just so, so, so…imbued with inspiration!
You have filled me with strength.
Perhaps now I can stand up to her!
I can run my hotel again with an iron fist, like I should!
BRUCE
Glad
to be of help, Newton. Now, I really
want to sleep and…hey Newton, I can’t move.
(HE STRUGGLES IN THE BED) My
God, she’s tucked me in so tight here, I can’t move in any direction.
NEWTON
What? Here, let me see… (AS HE DOES THIS, MARY
COMES BACK IN THE ROOM, STILL GAZING THOUGHTFULLY, ONLY WITH A GIANT BOTTLE OF
LIQUID PLUMBER. SHE MOVES TOWARD THE
BED) Oh, God, no! (NEWTON IS BACK ON HIS KNEES, THIS TIME
GRABBING ONTO MARY’S LEG) Don’t, I beg
of you! (MARY PUSHES NEWTON OFF HER
LEG, WHILE BRUCE CONTINUES STRUGGLING)
MARY
Move
it, germ!
BLACKOUT