UNITED PROXIES LTD.

By Steve

THE SCENE IS A RESTAURANT. AT CENTER STAGE IS A TABLE WITH TWO CHAIRS. SITTING IN ONE CHAIR IS DAN. THE OTHER CHAIR IS EMPTY. UP STAGE, ANOTHER TABLE IS SET. MAN 1 SITS WITH HIS BACK TO THE AUDIENCE. AS THE SCENE BEGINS, DAN IS FIDGETING, LOOKING NERVOUS, LOOKING AROUND. ROBERT ENTERS FROM STAGE LEFT.

ROBERT: Excuse me? Are you Dan Stringer?

DAN: (Surprised) Huh?

ROBERT: Are you Dan Stringer?

DAN: (Nervous) That all depends.

ROBERT: You must be Mr. Stringer. You fit the description. May I sit down?

DAN: No. You may not sit down. I don’t know who you are or what you want. But I’m waiting for somebody, so bug off.

ROBERT: Yes, I know. She said you might be hostile.

DAN: Who? Who sent you? My wife? Did she send you? How did she know where I’d be? Have you been following me?

ROBERT: Please, please, no. You wife did not send me. I was sent by Ms. Sennett.

DAN: What? Gloria sent you? What kind of joke is this?

ROBERT: It’s no joke. Ms. Sennett is very sorry, but she’s hung up in a meeting at work, and she’ll probably be all night, so she won’t be able to meet you tonight. She knew this was going to be important so she hired me to take her place. I’m the proxy.

DAN: Hired you?! What are you talking about?

ROBERT: I’m Robert Smithdazz, male Proxy. I’m from United Proxies Ltd. Ms. Sennett hired me to take her place so you wouldn’t be lonely. Also, I’ve been fully briefed on the situation between you and Ms. Sennett, and she has empowered me to take part in any discussions on the future of your relationship.

DAN: The future of our relationship? Are you kidding me here?

ROBERT: No kidding. We are a general service proxy organization designed to represent people in all kinds of situations. Two nights ago, I stood in for a father unable to attend his son’s Fun Night at school. Last night I represented a sick union negotiator at the bargaining table. Believe it or not, I even once represented a timid boy at his own confirmation. Tonight I am representing Ms. Sennett in these discussions on the future of your illicit sexual affair together.

DAN: Hey! Keep it down.

ROBERT: That is the nature of your relationship, isn’t it?

DAN: Yes, yes! But Gloria is usually a little more discreet about i.

ROBERT: Discreet? (Reads notes) Hanging all over you on the dance floor? Massaging your thigh under table as the waitress took your order? Oral sex in the coat check at…

DAN: HEY! Jesus, how do you know about all that?

ROBERT: She told me.

DAN: I can’t believe that Gloria would tell you that stuff.

ROBERT: I must be fully briefed if I am to do my job. I also know about the back seat of your Town Car, the hot tub at the super 8, your office, the frozen food aisle at the White Hen…

DAN: Oh shit! Gloria must be out of her mind to tell you stuff like that. What am I going to do?

ROBERT: Oh, please, please. We’re not going to broadcast it. Confidentiality is the hallmark of our business. Your secrets will remain between you and Gloria.

DAN: And you, apparently!

ROBERT: Consider me an extension of Gloria.

DAN: Oh, that’s ridiculous.

ROBERT: No, it’s not. Really. If it weren’t for a proxy, Gloria would have been able to make it at all tonight, and you’d be alone. This way, maybe we can hash things out and get some things resolved.

DAN: I’m not going to hash things out with you.

ROBERT: I told you, consider me an extension of Gloria. It’s just like talking to her.

DAN: Oh come on!

ROBERT: Try it. Here…I’ll start. Dan (reaches across and grasps Dan’s hand) …there are some things we need to talk about.

DAN: (Looks down at the hand and throws it down) Stop that!

ROBERT: Now come on…(takes his hand again) …do this for Gloria…for us.

DAN: Oh…

ROBERT: Now, Dan, do it! Let’s talk about what the future of this relationship is! I mean, there’s plenty of passion, but I think we’re just going to burn out.

DAN: No, that’s not true! I mean, what’s wrong with passion? She…

ROBERT: Ah ah ah

DAN: You! always talk like that’s a dirty word. I think the passion has been fabulous.

ROBERT: Oh, it has been! I’ve loved it too. But there’s got to be more than just the sex. You’re talking about leaving your wife and I’m talking about leaving my husband. I think we need more.

DAN: Wait wait wait a minute here. That’s not fair. When this started, no one was going to leave anybody. This was going to be no questions asked, just a little fun on the side for both of us. Hasn’t the sex been great?

ROBERT: Oh yes, Robert!

DAN: So okay! The sex is great, and we both enjoy it and I…I…I…Just can’t do this!! (Stands) This is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard of. You are not Gloria, and I can’t stand here and talk to you about sex!

ROBERT: I thought we were doing rather well.

DAN: No. You were doing well. I was doing crappy! I want to talk to Gloria! GLORIA! G-L-O-R-I-A, Gloria. The next voice I want to hear better have a curvy body and long legs attached to it.

ROBERT: My body is kind of curvy.

DAN: Gloria! You go call her and tell her that if she doesn’t come out here and meet me, herself, it’s over! THAT’S IT!

ROBERT: (Sheepish) But…I’m her extension.

DAN: No extensions! I want her.

ROBERT: But this is my job.

DAN: NO!

ROBERT: D’ohkay! I’ll call her! (He starts to leave, then turns back) But we’ll continue this when I get back! (He storms out)

DAN: Gloria! (Pounds his fist on the table.) Proxies! Heh! (He begins to much on the crackers placed on the table.)

(MAN 1 has been listening to this exchange. Well, the really gay sounding parts. He rises and stands

behind Dan. He puts his hands gently on Dan’s back.)

MAN 1: There, there. This happens to everyone at one time or another. Forget about it. Move on. This is the time to pick up the pieces and meet someone new. You can do it. You’re strong.

DAN: (Looking up) Who the hell are you?

MAN 1: (Slides a chair up next to Dan) Oh, just a friend. Or at least someone who’d like to be a friend. I couldn’t help but overhear your break up. I’m awfully good at helping to forget.

DAN: What?! Hey! Get out of here!

MAN 1: Don’t get upset Dan. I know he was special. But I can be special too.

DAN: Get away! What do you think? I don’t swing that…(Dan suddenly starts to choke on his mouthful of cracker.)

(Man 1 suddenly realizes that Dan is choking. He spins Dan around, bends him over and begins to give

him the Heimlich Maneuver. At this point Cathy enters, just as Man 1 thrusts and the food shoots out of

Dan.)

CATHY: Ah ha!

DAN: (Slightly dazed) Cathy!!

CATHY: Oh my God! I don’t believe it. I expected to catch you with your lover tonight, but I never expected this!

DAN: (Looks at Man 1) What? Wait! No! It’s not what you think.

CATHY: I’m not just losing you to another person…I’m losing you to the other side…(Begins crying)

DAN: Oh, honey. No. ( He goes to her. Man 1 follows) It’s not that way.

MAN 1: Dan, Dan, Dan. You might as well admit it to her. The nasty dragon of denial is rearing it’s ugly head.

DAN: Will you stop that?! I’m not even touching the subject of rearing and heads with you, pal! (Cathy starts hitting him with her purse.) Ah, honey! This guy is nothing. He means nothing to me.

CATHY: You two timing, lying , cheating, no good, goes both ways (whacks him in the face) BASTARD.

MAN 1: Bitch! (Whacks him again. Cathy storms off. Man 1 also leaves. Dan delays a moment, dazed, then he follows Cathy)

DAN: Cathy! Honey!

(There is a short moment. Lights stay up. Robert comes back and stares at the empty table.)

ROBERT: Well, how about that Gloria. He walked out on us. Well, another mission accomplished and another 2 hours billing for…Robert Smithdazz, Male Proxy. (He begins to leave. He stops) Hey…did I remember to tell him about the baby?

BLACKOUT