LIMO BEANS

by Eric

 

LIGHTS UP

 

(Eric sits in the back of the limo. YURI is driving. )

 

ERIC:      This is quite a car.

 

YURI:     Thank you.

 

ERIC:      Man I hate business trips. They’re such a drag.

 

YURI:     We’re going to Aurora?

 

ERIC:      Yeah.

 

YURI:     You live near boats?

 

ERIC:      Huh? Oh the Casino?  Yeah I’m just a few blocks from them.

 

YURI:     You go down there a lot.

 

ERIC:      More than I’m should. No. My wife and  I have been there a few times.

 

YURI:     What do you play there?

 

ERIC:      Slots mainly.

 

YURI:     Oh. I love Roulette. I’m Russian you know.

 

ERIC:      No no. I play slots.

 

YURI:     You never hit the tables. Never “Bet the house”?

 

ERIC:      Hah ha. No. I’m much to safe for that.

 

YURI:     You have a safe?

 

ERIC:      No no. Safe. Boring. I don’t want to lose all my money.

 

YURI:     Your wife is a gambler?

 

ERIC:      She just plays slots with me.

 

YURI:     Do you go up to the Boats in Elgin?

 

ERIC:      No. I haven’t been up there.

 

YURI:     Sure. I’ve seen you there.

 

ERIC:      Huh?

 

YURI:     I’ve seen you there. Mr. Highroller.

 

ERIC:      No. You misunder…

 

YURI:     Mr. James Bond yes? With the women all naked on you.

 

ERIC:      Wow. No uh…

 

YURI:     You are so slick with the blackjack and backgammon tables.

 

ERIC:      Backgammon?

 

YURI:     You so smooth in the crowd. Killing and highrolling and sexing the ladies.

 

ERIC:      (Finally laughs) Ha! No I just go to the Aurora boats occasionally. (Notices out the window.) Are we slowing down.

 

(NELL, a young french woman gets in the passenger seat next to Yuri.)

 

NELL:     Hello my love. (She puts her hand on Yuri’s knee.) I have missed you.

 

ERIC:      Uh…hi.

 

(They ignore him)

 

YURI:     Were you followed?

 

NELL:     No. Stupid Americans. Ha! They won’t know what hit them.

 

YURI:     You are so lovely, Nell my darling.

 

ERIC:      I think you missed my exit. (Looking behind him) I think that was Rt.31.

 

NELL:     What about Marco? Does he know yet?

 

YURI:     He knows nothing …anymore. (The two laugh.)

 

ERIC:      (Turning back) You can just get off at Orchard Rd.

 

NELL:     No witnesses! Yuri! (Finally notices Eric) Who is he?

 

YURI:     He’s James Bond with the naked women.

 

ERIC:      Eric. Hi.

 

NELL:     (Pointing gun at Eric) So we finally meet, Mr. Bond.

 

ERIC:      JESUS lady! I’m not James Bond. He was just calling me that because of the boats.

 

NELL:     (Turns shocked at Yuri) You told him about the boats!?  You gave away our plan to bomb the naval base?!

 

YURI:     No I…

 

(Nell shoots him.  He slumps over. Eric leaps up and grabs the wheel.)

 

ERIC:      The casino boats. Oh god! Lady step on the brakes.

 

NELL:     You know too much Mr. Bond!

 

ERIC:      Lady! Do you expect me to drive?!

 

NELL:     No Mr. Bond I expect you to die.

 

ERIC:      Will you stop calling me that?!  Wha…DIE?

 

NELL:     Goodbye Mr. Bond.

 

ERIC:      We’re slowing down. All the power has gone out.

 

NELL:     But how?

 

ERIC:      It must be one of those remote devices police use.

 

NELL:     I see no police!

 

(Eric lets go and dashes out of the car. His escape is stopped when Bobbi Jones, Ace spy enters and

punches him in the face. Eric bends over and grabs his face.)

 

ERIC:      Aw God!

 

BOB:       Your trail ends here Nell!

 

NELL:     Bobbi Jones! America’s number one spy! But how!

 

ERIC:      I just got the bonding on my teeth redone!

 

BOB:       (Pulling out gun) Get out of the car Nell.

 

NELL:     You’ll never find all the bombs in time.

 

BOB:       Not a problem. The C4 you used to make the bombs was Play-do.

 

NELL:     What?!

 

ERIC:      Delta will never cover this!

 

BOB:       Next time you buy explosives from a 4 foot fat bearded street vendor in Kazakhstan, you best find out if it’s me.

 

NELL:     No! Now Bobbi Jones…you die!

 

(Bobbi shoots Nell.)

 

BOB:       Now I think your life is NELL and void. Now, Eric let’s get you home.  (She pushes Yuri out onto the road. Eric crawls in back.) Where to?

 

ERIC: Aurora.

 

BOB:       (Starts the car) Okay. (Pause) You live near the boats?

 

BLACKOUT