Grandma

by Ben Lundy

Lights up on Ben and Millie down left.

Ben

Honey, I’m so glad you decided to come home with me to meet my Mom, but there is something I should tell you. Do you remember when I told you that my dad died? Well, he didn’t . it was my mom that passed away.

Millie

What? I’ve talked to your mother on the phone.

Ben

See, that’s the thing. You didn’t talk to my mother; you talked to my dad acting like…

Eric, dressed up as a woman, enters from up left.

Eric

Oh, my word. I thought you two would never arrive.

Ben

Hi dad, uh mom.

Eric

Come here and give your grandma a hug.

Ben

Oh Jesus, not again.

Millie

I thought you said that was your dad.

Ben

Every once in a while she—he thinks he’s my grandma.

Eric

Come here and let me kiss you on the lips.

Ben shivers, then reluctantly walks toward Eric. When he gets close enough, Eric grabs him and hugs him. Ben narrowly escapes a kiss.

Eric

And who is this gorgeous young vixen? Wait a minute, is that your daughter?

Ben

Dad…

Eric

Ah, ah…

Ben

Sorry, grandma, I’m only twenty, I don’t have any kids.

Eric

Well, why don’t you two come into the house? (to Millie) Grandma will bake you some nice cookies.

He pats Millie on the head as she walks past. They cross to stage right where sits a couch and a chair. On the floor lies a dead cat, it’s face in a bowl. Eric disappears into the back.

Millie

What the hell is going on?

Ben

When my mom died, he kind of lost touch with reality a little bit.

Millie

Just a little bit? He’s nuts.

Ben

I know. There’s nothing we can do about it. He’s pretty harmless, except if you mention mom. Then he gets a little nutty. (Pause) A little more nutty.

Eric enters holding a photo album and a carton of milk. He crosses to where the cat lies and pours some milk into the cat’s bowl. He looks at the carton, and then takes a swig himself. He crosses to the couch and beckons the two to join him. They look at each other, and, after a nervous pause, cross to the couch. Eric then sits down right in between them.

Ben

Grandma, how long has the cat been dead?

Eric

Oh, he’s not dead, dear. He’s resting.

Ben

How long has he been resting?

Eric

About three months, now. Poor little thing, he must’ve been so worn out. Although, I’d be worn out too if I took a fall from the ceiling fan like he did.

Ben

I’m not gonna ask.

Millie

What do you have here?

Eric

I’m glad you asked sweetie-pie. It’s pictures of your father when he was a little kid like you. How’s school? You must be in kindergarten by now.

Millie

Actually, I’m not in school anymore. I graduated.

Eric

Yes, dear. It’s good to pretend. It’ll help you through it.

Ben

Dad, look, it’s getting late, and…

Eric slaps his face

Eric

Don’t you disrespect me, young man. You’re never too old for a spanking. Where was I? Oh, yes. (opening the album) This is your father when he was a fetus. Isn’t he just so cute? And here he is when he was just born…wait, no, that’s the dog. They could have been twins, they were adorable. Now, here is an interesting one. One night, while he slept, I snuck in and took a picture of his penis, so he would remember…

phone rings

Ben

I’ll get it. hello, yes, he’s…she’s home. Hold on. Grandma, for you.

Eric

(To Millie) Oh, poo. I’ll be right back, dear. (He crosses to the phone) Hello? Yes…no. You know a young man called here the other day asking me to buy the same thing and I told him this story. One time when I was a young thing…(Eric tells a story while the next conversation ensues)

Millie

Ben, this is ridiculous. He is out of his mind. We need to leave.

Ben

I know. I’m really sorry. I meant to tell you about this sooner, but…

Door bell rings.

Eric

(On phone) And then my mother, who was holding the gun at the time…hold on a minute, will you? Hello? Hello? (He hangs up) Benny-poo will you go get that, it’s probably your sister.

Ben

What? No. you gotta be kidding. Oh, Jesus Christ. Why? Why?

Mo enters, dressed as a man, complete with a fake beard. Ben starts to scream. Lights out, then lights back up on Ben sleeping on the couch, a T.V. controller in his hand. He wakes with a start.

Ben

Man, what a crazy dream.

Eric enters, still dressed as a woman.

Eric

Son, are you okay?

Ben

Yeah, mom, I just had the craziest dream.

Lights fade.

The end.