GANDHI

by Eric Schwartz

(based on sketch originally written in 1988 Eric Schwartz and Shawn Martin for RANSACKED. This was rewritten several times before surfacing nearly 10 years later in 1996’s 96 Tears Gag Reflex show. A few years the MTV show Celebrity Deathmatch did something very similar in an episode involving a time machine. Neither party ever sued the other.)

 

 

LIGHTS UP

 

GANDHI SITS INDIAN STYLE ON THE FLOOR. SITAR MUSIC PLAYS.

 

 

VOICE:      (British accent) Mr. Gandhi. As a duly designated magistrate of the British Empire residing here in India I have found you guilty of sedition. Do you have anything to say before I pass sentence upon you?

 

 

GANDHI:     I am guilty of everything of which I am accused. I ask that this court have no mercy and hand down the harshest possible punishment it can.

 

 

VOICE:      Very well. It is my sentence that you be taken from this place to another place where you will be hung by the neck until you are dead...

 

 

GANDHI :    WHAT?!?

 

 

VOICE:      This court is over. Rule Britannia.

 

 

GAVEL BANGS AGAIN

 

A GAURD COMES IN AND GANDHI IS LEAD OFF. LIGHTS FADE.

 

 

GANDHI :    I... uh... Was joking! Can't you guys take a joke?!?!?! It was sarcasm...

 

 

VOICE:      Wait. I think I have a better idea.

 

 

ROAR OF BOXING CROWD

 

LIGHTS UP

 

TWO SPORTS ANNOUNCERS SIT LOOKING OUT AT THE AUDIENCE

 

 

ANNCR 1:    Welcome to Madison Square Garden for the 12 round boxing match between Mahatma Gandhi and World Heavyweight Champ, Jack "Mad Dog" McKowen. I'm Doug Ripshaw.

 

ANNCR 2:    And I'm Brian Webster. You know Doug, this match promises to be a fantastic match. Mad Dog has been training for the past two months and has pushed his body to the limits of human endurance. Bench pressing nearly 500 pounds, and jogging nearly 50 miles a day. There is no human more perfectly conditioned or more mentally lacking a moral sense than Mad Dog. He is a powerful, hostile, killing machine and I'd say that Gandhi has work cut out for him.

 

ANNCR 1:    I'd say you're right Brian. I watched Gandhi training for the last two weeks.

 

ANNCR 2:    What was his routine like?

 

ANNCR 1:    He laid on a rice paper mat and starved himself. I'm not sure he even qualifies for the Heavyweight fight. But that's all academic now as McKowen and Gandhi enter the ring.

 

ANNCR 2:    McKownen looks confident his huge bulging muscles literally vibrating with the power and desire to pulverize his opponent. 

 

ANNCR 1:    Gandhi isn't so well. He looks malnourished and weak. His frail bones peeking out through translucent skin. His trainer and entourage help him stumble to the ring.

 

REF:        Ladies and Gentlemen. In this corner weighing in at 592 pounds of pure muscle, the heavyweight “champeen” of the world... JACK "MAD DOG" McKOWEN!!

 

 

F/X         CROWD ROARS

 

 

REF:        And in this corner, weighing only 74 pounds. The Hindu Hurricane... Mahatma GANDHI !!!!

 

 

F/X         CROWD ROARS

 

 

ANNCR 1:    The referee is now giving the contenders instructions and they go to their corners. Whoops. GANDHI has fallen. He crawls the rest of the way.

 

 

F/X         BELL RINGS

 

 

ANNCR 2:    They're out of their corners. Gandhi swings. Nowhere near McKowen. 

 

ANNCR 1:    Nope. McKowen is still on the other side of the ring having cocktails with his trainer. This guy is really confident tonight.

 

ANNCR 2:    Gandhi is swinging wildly. Now he's stopped - he's taunting McKowen calling Mad Dog's mother several unsavory names.

 

ANNCR 1:    McKowen doesn't look to happy. Mad Dog has handed his trainer his drink and has told him that he'll be right back.

 

ANNCR 2:    Mad Dog moves to where Gandhi is standing. And.... Oh! Delivers a crushing jab that knocks Gandhi  to the mat. Gandhi  is up.

 

ANNCR 1:    The Hindu boy hasn't eaten in ages. I don't know where he gets the strength.

 

ANNCR 2:    Mad Dog is laying into Gandhi  but good!! A right. A right - a right - a right. Apparently Gandhi hasn't learned how to block yet.

 

ANNCR 1:    Yep the 6 foot 3 Bronx monster is really beating the Hindu shit out of this 5 foot towel clad peace maker from India.

 

ANNCR 2:    Hold on a second! Wow! Gandhi has delivered a powerful uppercut. Mad Dog is dazed.

 

ANNCR 1:    Oh My God! Gandhi is a southpaw.

 

 

ANNCR 2:    Gandhi lights into Mad Dog with a succession of blows that has Mad Dog wobbling.

 

 

F/X         CROWD IS IN AN UP ROAR

 

ANNCR 1:    Holy Cow! No pun intended for our Hindu listeners, but Gandhi has knocked out the champ. No wait. Mad Dog is dead! Mahatma Gandhi has killed the Heavyweight Champion of the world.

 

ANNCR 2:    So much for passive resistance. (The two exchange money.)

 

 

ANNCR 1:    Well, that's it from Madison Square Garden. Join us next month when George Forman takes on Estelle Getty from the Golden Girls.

 

BLACKOUT