GANDHI
by Eric Schwartz
(based on sketch
originally written in 1988 Eric Schwartz and Shawn Martin for RANSACKED.
This was rewritten several times before surfacing nearly 10 years later in
1996s 96 Tears Gag Reflex show. A few years the MTV show Celebrity
Deathmatch did something very similar in an episode involving a time
machine. Neither party ever sued the other.)
LIGHTS
UP
GANDHI SITS
INDIAN STYLE ON THE FLOOR. SITAR MUSIC PLAYS.
VOICE: (British accent) Mr. Gandhi. As a duly designated magistrate of
the British Empire residing here in India I have found you guilty of sedition.
Do you have anything to say before I pass sentence upon you?
GANDHI: I am guilty of everything of which I am accused. I ask that this
court have no mercy and hand down the harshest possible punishment it can.
VOICE: Very well. It is my sentence that you be taken from this place
to another place where you will be hung by the neck until you are dead...
GANDHI
: WHAT?!?
VOICE: This court is over. Rule Britannia.
GAVEL
BANGS AGAIN
A GAURD
COMES IN AND GANDHI IS LEAD OFF. LIGHTS FADE.
GANDHI : I... uh... Was joking! Can't you guys take a joke?!?!?! It was
sarcasm...
VOICE: Wait. I think I have a better idea.
ROAR OF
BOXING CROWD
LIGHTS
UP
TWO
SPORTS ANNOUNCERS SIT LOOKING OUT AT THE AUDIENCE
ANNCR 1: Welcome to Madison Square Garden for the 12 round boxing match
between Mahatma Gandhi and World Heavyweight Champ, Jack "Mad Dog"
McKowen. I'm Doug Ripshaw.
ANNCR 2: And I'm Brian Webster. You know Doug, this match promises to be a
fantastic match. Mad Dog has been training for the past two months and has
pushed his body to the limits of human endurance. Bench pressing nearly 500
pounds, and jogging nearly 50 miles a day. There is no human more perfectly
conditioned or more mentally lacking a moral sense than Mad Dog. He is a
powerful, hostile, killing machine and I'd say that Gandhi has work cut out for
him.
ANNCR 1: I'd say you're right Brian. I watched Gandhi training for the last
two weeks.
ANNCR
2: What was his routine like?
ANNCR 1: He laid on a rice paper mat and starved himself. I'm not sure he
even qualifies for the Heavyweight fight. But that's all academic now as
McKowen and Gandhi enter the ring.
ANNCR 2: McKownen looks confident his huge bulging muscles literally
vibrating with the power and desire to pulverize his opponent.
ANNCR 1: Gandhi isn't so well. He looks malnourished and weak. His frail
bones peeking out through translucent skin. His trainer and entourage help him
stumble to the ring.
REF: Ladies and Gentlemen. In this corner weighing in at 592 pounds
of pure muscle, the heavyweight champeen of the world... JACK "MAD
DOG" McKOWEN!!
F/X CROWD ROARS
REF: And in this corner, weighing only 74 pounds. The Hindu
Hurricane... Mahatma GANDHI !!!!
F/X CROWD ROARS
ANNCR
1: The referee is now giving the contenders
instructions and they go to their corners. Whoops. GANDHI has fallen. He crawls
the rest of the way.
F/X BELL RINGS
ANNCR
2: They're out of their corners. Gandhi
swings. Nowhere near McKowen.
ANNCR 1: Nope. McKowen is still on the other side of the ring having cocktails
with his trainer. This guy is really confident tonight.
ANNCR 2: Gandhi is swinging wildly. Now he's stopped - he's taunting
McKowen calling Mad Dog's mother several unsavory names.
ANNCR 1: McKowen doesn't look to happy. Mad Dog has handed his trainer his drink
and has told him that he'll be right back.
ANNCR 2: Mad Dog moves to where Gandhi is standing. And.... Oh! Delivers a
crushing jab that knocks Gandhi to the
mat. Gandhi is up.
ANNCR 1: The Hindu boy hasn't eaten in ages. I don't know where he gets the
strength.
ANNCR 2: Mad Dog is laying into Gandhi
but good!! A right. A right - a right - a right. Apparently Gandhi
hasn't learned how to block yet.
ANNCR 1: Yep the 6 foot 3 Bronx monster is really beating the Hindu shit
out of this 5 foot towel clad peace maker from India.
ANNCR 2: Hold on a second! Wow! Gandhi has delivered a powerful uppercut.
Mad Dog is dazed.
ANNCR
1: Oh My God! Gandhi is a southpaw.
ANNCR 2: Gandhi lights into Mad Dog with a succession of blows that has
Mad Dog wobbling.
F/X CROWD IS IN AN UP ROAR
ANNCR 1: Holy Cow! No pun intended for our Hindu listeners, but Gandhi has knocked
out the champ. No wait. Mad Dog is dead! Mahatma Gandhi has killed the
Heavyweight Champion of the world.
ANNCR
2: So much for passive resistance. (The
two exchange money.)
ANNCR 1: Well, that's it from Madison Square Garden. Join us next month
when George Forman takes on Estelle Getty from the Golden Girls.
BLACKOUT