Dr. Doom

by Steve

(SCENE STARTS IN AN OFFICE WITH A DESK STAGE RIGHT. SITTING BEHIND THE DESK

IS MR. BUCK, THE BOSS. HE IS READING SOMETHING ON THE DESK. SITTING IN FRONT OF THE DESK, SLUMPED DOWN AND FIDGETING IS STOOLY WILSON, THE EMPLOYEE. THERE IS A BRIEFCASE AT STOOLY’S FEET.)

STOOLY

Well Mr. Buck? Brilliant?

BUCK

Well Mr. Wilson, I would have to say that this report is…the most confusing piece of drivel I’ve ever seen. It’s nonsense! It’s Crap! It reads like the ramblings of a first grader! Like Jack Kerouac on acid.

STOOLY

Uh. I think Jack Kerouac WAS on acid.

BUCK

He was on uppers and booze! And he still made more sense than this.

STOOLY

So you don’t like it?

BUCK

I can’t stand it! I hate it! I can’t believe it even exists, but if I’m forced to accept its existence then I have no choice but to fill myself with the loathing normally reserved for genocidal murderers, child abusers and highway construction!!!

STOOLY

Why don’t I rewrite it?

BUCK

What for?! You’ve already rewritten it five times. That’s enough for us to know it’s not the fault of the keyboard, the computer program, the printer, the paper or the goddamn English language. It’s you! You’re an idiot. You could rewrite this a hundred times and the end result would still read like the muted mumblings of a monkey.

STOOLY

So you’re say that it doesn’t meet with your approval? Maybe I should just bag it and move on to the next project. Eh?

BUCK

There’s not going to be any next project! Don’t you get it? There’s not even going to be a next minute! The only thing bagged around here is you! You’re fired! Gone! Through! Finiti! It’s Human Relations-paperwork-exit interview-and-a-boot-in-the-ass-out-the door-time for you.

STOOLY

I might need more money to stay here and put up with this kind of yelling.

BUCK

Get out! Get out get out get out! Get out before I become a killer!

STOOLY

Wait a minute…are you serious? You’re trying to fire me? (BUCK IS TRYING TO HOLD HIMSELF BACK) Wow. (BEGINS SOBBING)This is so sad. Man, this means my three months here means nothing?! What am I going to do? Where will I go? I’m 25 years old! (BREAKS DOWN CRYING)

(TWO WOMEN ENTER, BRITNEY SKOODS AND RIKKI LEATHERTATS. THEY ARE CO-WORKERS)

BRITNEY

We heard screaming. What’s going on?

RIKKI

Are you trying to fire Stooly again?

BRITNEY

Don’t chicken Mr. Buck. Do it! He’s got it coming! Fire him.

BUCK

Oh, he’s fired.

STOOLY

Mr. Buck, you’ve been like a father to me.

BUCK

Stop that! I’ve hated you from day one. There’s been no mentoring, nor cogent moments. All I’ve done is plot ways to get rid of you, riding you constantly, telling you outright what a screw up I think you are.

STOOLY

(Wailing) JUST LIKE DAD!!!

BUCK

Oh, for Chrissake! Look here! I won’t go for this guilt thing. Everytime I’ve tried to fire you, you pull this father thing. It won’t work.

RIKKI

Worked before.

BRITNEY

I think Mr. Buck is wise to this one.

STOOLY

Sir, have I told you how much I respect you. You are my role model for the business world.

BRITNEY

That hasn’t worked the last two times, Stooly.

RIKKI

He needs something new.

BUCK

Let’s see, next is the indentured servitude routine and that won’t work either!

STOOLY

But sa man of your means should have a manservant!

BUCK

No!

STOOLY

Valet?

BUCK

No!

STOOLY

A Stooge? A Gaffer?

BUCK

No! No!

STOOLY

I’ll blow you.

BUCK

What?! God no!

STOOLY

All right! I have no more choices. I am disgraced. I stand before you a pathetic, shell of a man, unable to show his face in public again. (HE STANDS UP, GRABBING THE BRIEFCASE AND STARTING TO TAKE STUFF OUT OF IT. EVENTUALLY HE TAKES OUT A PLASTIC HALLOWEEN MASK AND A BIC LIGHTER. HE HOLDS THEM UP) I must hide myself way, hermitize myself in a shack far from normal people and to take no chances that someone will again gaze upon this disgraced visage I will wear this iron mask, welding it too my face in perpetuity!!

BUCK

(A BIT CONTRITE) Oh, come on…

RIKKI

This is new. (BRITNEY NODS)

STOOLY

But I must warn you that this type of shame and isolation can breed resentment, anger, hatred and there is a good chance that I will turn to evil to vent my angst against YOU and the public that turned me out!! I will become the worst of beasts, a twisted, mad genius…DR. DOOM! - hatching my plot for revenge from my island hide away!!!

BUCK

Aw don’t..do that

STOOLY
It’s too late! Only another chance at a new project can stop it now. (FLICKS THE BIC) The torch is lit! (STARTS TO PUT THE MASK TO HIS FACE)

RIKKI

Don’t fall for it, Mr. Buck! He’s bluffing.

BRITNEY

He hasn’t got the stones.

RIKKI

Besides that’s not an iron mask, it’s a plastic costume mask from Toys R Us and that’s not a welding torch. It’s a Bic Lighter.

STOOLY

Stand back! The flame will sear the skin and melt the iron as they bubble into one!

BUCK

Wait wait! Maybe we could find another task…

STOOLY

Really?

BUCK

Well…

RIKKI AND BRITNEY

NO!

BRITNEY

Don’t do this! Don’t let him get away with it!

RIKKI

This is wholly unnecessary Stooly. Amalgamated is hiring. Some 500 jobs with no experience needed.

STOOLY

Yeah? (LOOKS AT THEM. DROPS THE MASK AND LIGHTER) I’m outta here. Sorry, Mr. Buck, but a man’s gotta take his opportunities when he gets them. (HE EXITS. BRITNEY AND RIKKI BURST INTO LAUGHTER)

BRITNEY

He didn’t even ask Amalgamated WHAT? He’ll be wandering all around town.

RIKKI

It’s all right, Mr. Buck, we’ll be better off without him. (THE TWO WOMEN CONTINUE TO LAUGH AS THEY HEAD OFF.)

BUCK

(ALONE) Sure, we’re better. We narrowly averted the start of another evil crime career. If more situations could be resolved, we wouldn’t have the evil master mind problem we have. (WALKS BEHIND HIS DESK) Ah. I should have taken the blow job.

BLACKOUT