by Joe
Stafford
(Everyone is sound asleep on the bridge of the Starship Enterprise. The captain is in his captain’s chair, Dr. McCoy dozes standing loyally beside him, Mr. Spock, Lt. Uhuru and Scotty all snooze at their stations.)
SOUND: (SLOWLY BUILDING SOUNDS. FIRST THE BACKUP SIGNAL FROM A GARBAGE TRUCK BEEP BEEP BEEP, THEN RISING SOUND OF LAWNMOVER ROAR)
KIRK: (ROUSING GROGGILY FROM SLEEP. EVERYONE SLOWLY AWAKENS, ALL BADLY HUNG OVER.) Oh, my aching head. That was some party last night, eh, Bones? I don’t remember a thing after Scotty brought out the Arcturian ale.
BONES: (IRRITATED) What the hell time is it, Jim? (CHECKS ALARM CLOCK) It’s 6:30 a.m. on a Sunday morning and what do I hear? A lawnmower? Someone’s mowing? Who the hell mows at 6:30 on a Sunday morning in outer space?
KIRK: Bones, get hold of yourself. We’ve got a mission, mister. Besides, the weekend flies by so fast if you sleep in. You’ve got to get out and do stuff.
SPOCK: (GAZING INTO HIS GLOWING WHATZIT) Fascinating. (TURNING) Captain, it would appear that the Klingons have finally gotten around to doing something about that yard of theirs.
KIRK: They let the weeds grow for months and suddenly it’s an emergency?
BONES: For the love of God, Jim, no! Not at this hour!
SPOCK: It’s highly illogical.
SCOTTY: Captain, the ship can’t take this!
KIRK: Go to yellow alert! Lieutenant, hail the Klingons. I’m gonna give them a piece of my mind.
UHURU: Dialing, captain!
BONES: What the hell good is a Sunday morning if you have to wake up to the sound of lawnmowing Klingons, etc. …
UHURU: Captain, I’m sorry! I’m getting… a disconnect!
ALL: (GASP)
KIRK: Brace for impact!
SOUND: (DISCONNECTED PHONE SOUND BOO-DEE-WEEP!)
ALL: (SCREAMS OF AGONY, CLUTCHING EARS, THRASHING WILDLY IN AGONY)
SOUND: (OVER INTERCOM) We’re sorry! The number you have dialed is disconnected or no longer in service. Please check the number or try your call again.
SCOTTY: Captain, the ship can’t take this!
KIRK: Lieutenant, try the number again! Scotty, raise the shields!
UHURU: Dialing, Captain!
SOUND: (SLOWLY BUILDING SOUND OF LEAFBLOWER)
SPOCK: (GAZING INTO GLOWING WHATZIT) Captain, it appears the Klingons have switched to… (TURNS TO KIRK) leafblower!
ALL: (GASP)
SCOTTY: Captain, the ship can’t take this!
UHURU: Captain! I’m sorry! I must have the number written down wrong! Another disconnect!
ALL: (GASP)
KIRK: Omigod! Not again! Full power to the shields! Brace for impact!
SOUND: (DISCONNECTED PHONE SOUND BOO-DEE-WEEP!)
ALL: (SCREAMS OF AGONY, CLUTCHING EARS, THRASHING WILDLY IN AGONY)
SOUND: (OVER INTERCOM) We’re sorry! The number you have dialed is disconnected or no longer in service. If you continue to experience difficulties, please consult directory assistance.
SPOCK: (GAZING INTO GLOWING WHATZIT) Our sensors are picking up an unusual reading. Captain, it appears the Klingons have purchased… (TURNS TO JIM) a circular saw.
ALL: (GASP)
BONES: Jim! Not remodeling! The next thing you know they’ll rent a tile cutter!
UHURU: We’ll never survive!
KIRK: Battle stations! Battle stations!
SOUND: (CIRCULAR SAW KEENS)
ALL: (SCREAMS OF AGONY, CLUTCHING EARS, THRASHING WILDLY IN AGONY)
KIRK: Lieutenant, you’ve got to get through to them!
UHURU: I’m trying, captain! I’m trying.
SOUND: (A LULL. UHURU DIALS NERVOUSLY. EVERYONE WAITS TENSELY, THEIR EYES DARTING ABOUT IN TERROR.)
SOUND: (DISCONNECTED PHONE SOUND BOO-DEE-WEEP!)
ALL: (SCREAMS OF AGONY, CLUTCHING EARS, THRASHING WILDLY IN AGONY)
SOUND: (OVER INTERCOM) We’re sorry! All circuits are busy now. Please try your call again later.
KIRK: Scotty! Get us out of here, mister! Warp factor nine!
SCOTTY: (MADLY WORKING CONTROLS) Captain, the ship can’t take this!
ALL: (TOSSED ABOUT WILDLY AS THE SHIP GOES TO WARP SPEED. CHAOS, ETC. SOUNDS SLOWLY DIMINISH. EVERYONE SIGHS RELIEF.)
BONES: Whew. It looks like we’re clear, Jim!
KIRK: That was a close call. I thought we’d finally had it.
SPOCK: Captain, I believe it would be logical for the crew to attempt to catch a few more Zs.
UHURU: Yes, let’s get some more sleep.
SCOTTY: My head is killing me. I canna take this!
UHURU: And I was having such a nice dream.
ALL: (BEGIN TO SETTLE BACK DOWN FOR A NAP, LAY HEADS ON CONSOLES, ETC.)
UHURU: But captain, look at the time!
KIRK: Oh, no! Everyone, brace for impact!
SOUND: (ALARM CLOCK SOUNDS)
ALL: (SCREAMS OF AGONY, CLUTCHING EARS, THRASHING WILDLY IN AGONY)
KIRK: Hit the snooze button! Red alert! Hit snooze!