FACE IN THE FRIDGE

Eric Schwartz & Greg Twait

 

 

LIGHTS UP

 

(A being sits hunched over on chair. A white garbage bag

surrounds his face. Todd Enters. He rubs his eyes and staggers

toward the being.)

 

TODD: I wonder if Meredith left anything in the fridge for

me? (He mimes opening the fridge. The Being looks up.)

 

 

FACE: Hi.

 

(Todd doesn't notice, takes a pop and shuts the door. The Face

shrugs and begins to preen. Todd turns and begins to walk away.

He takes a long drink, then stops. It sinks in. He slowly turns

back to the fridge. He opens the door. The Face looks up and

smiles.)

 

FACE: (Grabs can from Todd) Thanks Chief. (Takes a long

drink.)

 

(Todd closes the door quickly. He stares into space. He opens the

door again. The Face waves. Todd slams the door shut. He pinches

himself then slaps himself. When he realizes that it's not a

dream he flings the door open.)

 

FACE: (Holding can.) You recycle or what?

 

TODD: Who the hell are you?

 

FACE: (Proudly) I'm the Face In The Fridge!

 

TODD: What are you doing here?

 

FACE: I live here.

 

TODD: What are you?

 

FACE: I'm sort of an amalgamation of Cottage cheese and

cucumber salad.

 

TODD: That Cottage Cheese must've been pretty old. What was

the code on it? Late March? Late February?

 

FACE: Late 70's I think.

 

TODD: Well, that's my wife. She doesn't clean the fridge

much.

 

FACE: Could've fooled me. She's in here enough.

 

TODD: You saying my wife eats too much?! I don't have to take

this from a dairy product.

 

FACE: 'Tis true.

 

TODD: Well I want you out of here! What are you going to do

when we're not home.

 

FACE: Watch your laser discs just like I always do.

 

TODD: You watch MY laserdiscs?! Fantastic! Is the selection

okay?!

 

FACE: You could get RAGING BULL.

 

TODD: Anything else?!

 

FACE: Could you leave the remote control where I can find it.

It's real hard to lift up the seat cushions with these

make shift appendages.

 

TODD: Get out!

 

FACE: I live here!

 

TODD: Then I want you paying rent.

 

FACE: I can't get a job!

 

TODD: Why not?!

 

FACE: I'm cottage cheese, Man!!!!!

 

TODD: Go learn a trade! Go to (Insert school name here)! They'll

take anybody! (Calms) Look. I'm going out for a walk.

When I get back I either want you gone, or to have a

detailed fiscal plan for what you intend to do. (Walks

away without shutting the fridge door)

 

FACE: Hey! Can you shut the door? What were you? Born in a

barn?

 

(Todd grabs a spoon and lunges at the Face.)

 

FACE: (Shrieking) Hey!

 

BLACKOUT