As the door slammed, Laura finally let the sobs wrack her body.  Her legs felt suddenly as if they were made of clay, unable to hold her frame any longer, and she sank to the floor where she had stood.  She didn’t know how long she sat there, the pain coming in waves, unable to stop the flood of tears that escaped her, her loose hair wet and clinging to her face. The sounds that escaped her sounded, and felt, inhuman.  And suddenly, her stomach started to heave, and she made it to the bathroom just as she couldn’t hold it in any longer.  The vomit came, like the tears, violent and wrenching, and she didn’t think it would ever stop, even when she knew there was no more to give.  Finally, as it ebbed, she crumpled to the bathroom floor, exhausted, drained, unable to move or feel, and still the tears would not stop.  Eventually, as she fell asleep there on the floor, her head resting on the cool porcelain, she wondered if anything would ever be okay, ever again.

 

Big City

BRICKWORK

by Millie Collins

 

 

TWO WEEKS EARLIER

 

Laura opened the windows on her car as she sped down the highway.  It was finally starting to feel like spring; it was a little chilly, but she loved the cool feel of the air on her face.  She had been excited when James, her best friend and former next door neighbor, had called her.  He was producer of the hit show “Weekend Surprise,”  where people secretly decorate a room in someone’s house while they’re out of town, and was going to be in the area filming.  He’d called her out of the blue and asked her if she wanted to watch a taping.  As she found the exit, and began looking for the address she’d written down, she remembered getting his call. The timing had been perfect; she was in that end of winter funk, and a few days away from home was just what she felt she needed. 

 

She didn’t even admit to herself that what she really needed was time away from Charlie.  On the surface, things were great.  They doted on each other, and spent every waking hour away from work together.  But so much had happened, and they’d never spoken about it.  Not the blindness, not Autumn—the name stuck in her mind, and she pushed it aside.  Ah, well, a little r and r is all I need.  She checked her directions.  Yep, this is the place.  She pulled in to the hotel parking lot, and went in the lobby to check in.

 

 “Lori Medrano!”  She turned, and there he was.  James looked great.  Almost exactly the same as high school, except a little more filled out, more mature.  She felt a swish of butterflies in her stomach.  James had never know the tiny crush she’d had on him; they were best friends, and had decided together that they’d never ruin their friendship by trying anything more.  Wow, she thought to herself, these things die hard, I guess. He scooped her up around the waist and spun her around. 

 

“Holy wow!  You look great!  How long has it been?  Five years?  It can’t be, you look just the same!”  It was vintage James.  No one else could get a word in edgewise when he was this excited.  Not being a big talker herself, Laura had always found it comforting, and found she still did. 

 

“Since your wedding, yeah. Thanks, James, you look great yourself.”  He put her down and held out her arms, as if he was studying her. 

 

“Terese is going to be so jealous I got to see you!  She wanted to come, but she had to work, and we didn’t have a sitter anyway, so…I just can’t get over it! It’s really you!”  He pulled her into a bear hug.  “Well, I’ll let you check in and get settled.  I’ve got some meetings this morning, but I’ll come by about one, and I’m yours the whole rest of the day, okay?  See you then!”

 

He was out the lobby door before she could catch her breath.  She chuckled to herself; boy, he really hadn’t changed at all.  She spent the morning quietly; she checked in, called Charlie to let him know she’d arrived, took a shower and laid on the bed for a while, not really sleeping, just thinking.  She thought kind of thoughts you think in a hotel room when you can’t sleep.

 

She couldn’t help but feel like she was coming to a big spot in her life; a crossroads of sorts.  She was getting a little older; she’d be thirty-three on her next birthday.  Most of her friends were married and had started, or were on their way to starting, a family.  As she stared at the ceiling, she realized that she really wanted these things; wanted them more than she’d ever realized before.  She loved her job, but it had gradually lost the importance it had had when she had began her career 8 years ago.   Maybe it was seeing James again, maybe it had crystallized her thoughts for her in a way that she hadn’t been able to for months.  So have those things, she heard a little voice in her head say.  Get yourself going, start a family, start your life.  There was only one problem.  It was a tiny nag in the pit of her stomach she’d been ignoring for some time now.  And it was getting bigger.  She’d have to face it soon, she knew.

 

The knock at the door startled her.  She looked at the clock.  James was right on time.  She got up, smoothed her clothes and hair and went to the door.  No more thinking today, she thought to herself.  Just have a good time.

 

*

 

“So, that’s it.  I just kind of lucked into this whole thing, and now I’m producing a hit TV show.  Can you believe it?”  it was 9 p.m., and they were talking over drinks at a small bar inside the hotel.  They’d had a great day; he’d taken her to lunch and they’d walked all around town catching up.  Well, he’d been catching up, and that was just fine with her.  She’d seen the pictures of the kids and the new house he’d just had built, and heard so many stories about his 2 boys, she felt like she knew them herself. 

 

“So, Lori, you’ve been quiet.  Tell me, how’s everything with you? How’s your Mom?”

 

She shrugged.  “Oh, you know, the same.  The girls are graduating from BCU in a couple months, so that’s good news.  I don’t know, I don’t really keep up with them much these days.  I suppose I should, you know, but…” 

 

She didn’t know what else to say.  Luckily, she didn’t have to.  James had been there practically her whole life, and he knew all the stories, things she’d never even told Charlie.  If anyone understood her family situation, it was James.  She couldn’t remember how many nights she’d snuck over to his house, crying about one thing or another.  His parents were so sweet; they always let her stay as long as she liked, even left them in his room together after they went to bed.  They were so trusting, and she and James never took advantage.  She was glad for that.  Many times she’d imagined what her mother would’ve said had she known her ordinary little girl was alone in a boy’s bedroom: 

 

“Lori, honey, I know you think this guy is nice, and I like him too, but I’m telling you, deep down they only want one thing,  and as soon as you give it to them, they’ll kick your ass to the curb.  Believe me, I know what I’m talking here, okay?” 

 

Laura chuckled to herself ironically, hell, she probably would’ve been a little impressed, in a way. It always made her burn a little to think about her mother.  Laura hadn’t been able to trust a man for a long time because of her.  No one, in fact, until Charlie…  She suddenly realized James had started talking again.

 

 “…I know you’re still a big time reporter; I get the Chronicle delivered every day, so I’m keeping up with your by-lines.  But how’s life, I mean your real life?”  

 

“Oh, well you know, pretty much the same.  I’m still with Charlie.”

 

 “And…?  Come on, Lori, this is me here.  There was a time when I knew you better than anyone, and I know when something’s bothering you.  You’ve been quiet all afternoon.  What’s up?”  His eyes were so kind, so genuinely concerned for her.  Dammit, he was making her think! 

 

“You know what?  I really don’t want to go into this now.  I’ve had a great day with you; there’s no reason to spoil it.  I should really get to bed.  It’s late, and I’ve had a long day.” She got up to leave, and he rose and put his hand on her arm.

 

“Lori, I’m sorry.  I didn’t mean to upset you.  Please stay, we’ll talk about something else, I promise.”

 

She patted his hand. “Really, James, it’s okay, I’d just really like to get some sleep.  I’ll see you in the morning, bright and early.”  She gave him a smile and walked out of the bar. 

 

When she got to her room, she’d been hoping the couple of drinks she’d had would help her to block out the thoughts that were swirling in her brain, but if anything, it only seemed to intensify them. 

 

*

 

She didn’t remember how old she was, because it happened so often.  Indeed, she wasn’t even sure if it was one specific event, or an amalgamation of many events her memory had pared down to only one.  But in her memory, the girls were young, about 5 or so, sitting at the kitchen table drawing and playing, and Laura, at about 13, was cleaning up the kitchen and making dinner.  Her mother came home, tired from her long day. 

 

Her mother worked 12 hours a day. Her primary job was as a kindergarten teacher at the local grade school.  The irony always astounded Laura.  Here was a woman who had the patience to teach 15 rollicking 5 year olds day in and day out, yet her own three daughters could send her temper like a bottle rocket in nothing flat.  The rest of the day she spent working the breakfast and dinner shifts at the Sun Valley nursing home not far from the school, so she was generally gone from about 5 am until 7 p.m. every day during the week.  On the weekends, she’d work a double shift at the home, covering for the full timers who generally had the weekends off.  Laura always remembered the way her mother smelled; it was a strange combination of youth and death, with a faint trace of the cigarettes she never admitted to smoking.

 

In this particular memory, she walked in the door, depressed looking and tired, as Laura was telling the girls to set the table.  Mari and Jorie  ran to her and wrapped their arms around her, like a returning war hero, which is what she resembled.  She peeled them off of her body, and without so much as a word, walked through the kitchen into her room to change her clothes.  For the most part, the Medrano women lived comfortably.  Bret and Laura had had some hard times before she’d married George, the twins’ dad, but the settlement from their divorce had been kind; she’d had enough to put a down payment on a comfortable 3 bedroom ranch, and her two jobs had afforded the girls most anything they asked for, although they didn’t ask for much.  The girls set the table, and she came in to sit just as Laura was serving.  It was the same nearly every day.

 

 “So, how was everyone’s day?”  Bret began, trying to sound cheerful.  There was always some news to be told:  Mari was the smart one; she’d always show off some A or another she’d received.  Jorie was the athlete; Laura was so proud the day she’d learned Jorie had won a full ride gymnastics scholarship to BCU.  Laura usually didn’t have anything to contribute, mostly she’d congratulate her sisters quietly. 

 

Her mother looked at her.  “What about you, Lori?  Huh?  Nothing new to report, huh?” 

 

“Umm, well, no, not really.  I guess it was just a regular day.”  Laura was so soft spoken, she was often teased that she couldn’t be heard when she spoke. 

 

Bret shrugged, “Oh, well, every parent has one unremarkable child.” 

 

The girls started giggling, “Sweet, little, unremarkable Lori,” they sang.  Her mother was always making these kind of comments to her.  Laura knew she didn’t mean it as an insult, but this particular day, she’d finally had enough.  She rose to her feet, startling the others. 

 

“Are you kidding me?  What, you think I’m nothing!?  I take care of your family!  The girls have clean clothes, a clean house, they eat well, and why, because YOU’RE here to take care of them?  No! I cook, I clean, I go to school, and I don’t do anything else because I don’t have time!  Look, I get that you have to work okay, and I appreciate it, I do, but don’t you think you could at least acknowledge what I do around here, instead of taking me for granted?” 

 

Laura’s face and throat were burning, her eyes stinging with tears that were coming.  She had always been non confrontational, almost to a fault, yet here she was, facing down her mother, hearing things coming out of her mouth she’d never heard before. 

 

Bret got to her feet slowly.  She closed the distance between she and Laura with one step, and calmly slapped Laura hard across the face. 

 

“You think you deserve, what, some kind of medal?  Oh, great Lori, washes the G’luh damn dishes and makes a fucking casserole.” Bret had never been shy about swearing in front of her girls.  “Well, congratulations, dear Lori, sweet hero of the dishpan hands.  We should all be on our knees thanking you for providing us with our beautifully clean home.  And I suppose you paid for all this shit too, right?  Oh, wait no, that’s right, I’M the one busting my ass, putting in 80 hour work weeks so that, what, my ungrateful little bitch of a daughter can tell me that I don’t hug her enough?!  This is the thanks I get, huh?  You’re just like your father, you know. Oh, wait that’s right, you wouldn’t know, the son of a bitch didn’t stick around long enough for you to find out.” 

 

The girls started twittering, like they always did at the mention of Laura’s father, a nameless, faceless entity that got Bret pregnant when she was 17, then took off for parts unknown.

 

 “And what are you laughing at?  Your Pop was no better.  Sad sack sons of bitches, both of them.  Wish I’d never met the mother fuckers.”  She grabbed a diet cola out of the fridge and stormed into her room, slamming the door behind her. 

 

Laura sat down hard, feeling like she’d been punched in the gut.  Wow, thought Laura, she’d finally said it.  With that small, offhanded comment, Bret had finally voiced what Laura had always felt; the resentment in her mother, the resentment that she was stuck taking care of 3 girls on her own instead of being able to lead her own life.  Deep down, she couldn’t really blame her mother, and knew that Bret didn’t really blame them. But in that moment, that didn’t make it hurt any less.

 

She looked at the girls.  They had a vaguely hurt look that said they didn’t really understand what their mother had meant.  But to Laura, it was all too clear:  Bret wished they had never been born.

 

*

 

Laura finally managed to drift off to sleep sometime around midnight.  Luckily, the next day and a half left no time for thinking.  She had thought she’d be sitting on the sidelines, staying out of everybody’s way, but they put her to work right away. She had such a good time, a better time than she’d had in a while.  She got to know the Marci family really well. She became especially friendly with Mrs. Marci, B’linduh, whose husband Jefry was out of town fishing with his father, uncle and brother while they redid his den.  The pace was frenetic, but the atmosphere was very cheerful, with everyone pitching in wherever help was needed, including the 3 Marci kids; Sean, who was 12, Gracie, 10, and Byron, 6. 

 

Laura managed, thankfully, to stay off camera, since James explained that it would be difficult to explain her presence in the house, and that a lot of the people who work on the show were never seen on camera.  Indeed, Laura, who was a fan of the show, was astonished to see just how many people it took to take on the redecorating project, when it looked like only 3 or 4 people when the show aired.  At around noon on the second day, they broke for lunch, and Laura sat down next to B’linduh.

 

“Wow, I’m exhausted!  But this is so much fun!”  Laura said, as she dived into her roast beef sandwich from the catering truck that showed up at meal time.

 

B’linduh laughed. “No kidding.  I think the kids are having a good time, too.  Actually, Jefry will probably be kind of sorry he missed this part.”

 

Laura looked at her, chuckling. “Really, you think so?  Why?”

            “Well, he’s always getting all of us together on what he calls his silly adventures.  I just think this would be right up his alley.”  She smiled, that far away smile of a woman in love.

 

Laura smiled, a little sadly. “So, your family is close?”

 

“Oh, yeah, very.  We’re so lucky, we’ve got these bizzarro kids who actually like spending time with us.”  She paused, thoughtful.  “We’ve just got a very fun life.  I can’t really explain it better that.  He’s such a good husband and Dad, he makes us feel so…safe, I guess.  Makes us feel like we can be silly and do these fun things, because he’ll always have a home for all of us to come back to, you know? That’s why I wanted to do this whole thing for him.  He does so much to make things fun and interesting for us, he’s so thoughtful, that I wanted to do something fun for him, you know?”

 

Laura took a deep breath.  She didn’t know, not really, but she smiled anyway, a lump forming in her throat.  “Yeah, I think I do.”  She excused herself and went into the bathroom.  The nag in her stomach that she hadn’t felt in the last day and a half was back, and stronger than ever. She thought she was beginning to figure out what had been nagging her, but she couldn’t think on it now.  There was too much work to do, she was having too much fun, and besides, there was nothing she could do about it now anyway.  She splashed some cold water on her face and looked in the mirror.  “Later,”  she promised herself, and went back out to lend a hand.

 

She heard the commotion, as she came out through the kitchen into the living room, before she saw the problem. Their voices weren’t raised, but the tone of trouble, and a little bit of panic, was unmistakable.  As she made her way into the living room, James was on his cell phone, and Sean had his arm around B’linduh.  James was trying to keep his voice down.  “So, that’s it?  He’s just not there?  Well, when did you lose track of him?  Well, that’s just great.  Okay, call the local authorities, see what you can find out.  Let me know.”  James snapped his phone shut and ran his fingers through his hair. 

 

Laura walked up to him.  “James, what is it?  Is everything okay?”  She could see from the look on her face that it was not.  “What’s going on?”

 

James looked at her, real worry now starting to show the creases on his face, and Laura started when she realized that he really had changed, had gotten older.  He looked almost speechless.  “I don’t…don’t know what happened.  He’s gone.”

 

*

 

Laura stood in front of the tiny vanity in her bedroom.  She checked the clock for the hundredth time.  7:15.  Cripes, she thought, he’d be here in 15 minutes.  She was 16, and still a little stunned.  Arun Schuster had asked her to go to the Spring Formal with him.  Her!  Plain, little nobody that she was, had a date!  And, even more amazing, her mother had said yes, yes she could go!  She’d been so excited when her mother gave her money to buy a dress, a brand new dress!  She was so grateful; she knew how hard her mother worked, and she’d picked out a dress that was a beautiful shade of deep blue, bringing out her eyes, and it fit her perfectly, showing off her new curves that she was always hiding under big sweaters and baggy pants.  She felt like a real, honest to G’luh woman when she put this dress on, and it made her shine.  As she brushed her hair, which she’d decided to keep down and loose, and did some last minute touch-ups on the small bit of make-up her mother had allowed, she heard the twins start banging on her bedroom door.

 

“Lori!  Lori!  Come on!  We wanna seeeeee youuuuu!”  Patience is never an 8-year-old’s forte.  Laura sighed a little, and grinned to herself.  She took one more look at herself in the mirror, and was resolute.  Nothing will spoil this evening, she thought, not even Mom.

 

The girls squealed in delight as Laura emerged from her bedroom, and did a little twirl as the girls applauded appreciatively.  “Oh, Lori, you look so pretty!”  Mari breathed, and Jorie nodded emphatically in reply.

 

Laura smiled shyly, “Thanks guys.  Now, did you finish dinner?  Is your homework done?”  As she said the words, they heard the back door open. 

 

The girls spun and ran for the kitchen.  “Mommy! Mommy!”  Laura heard the usual commotion, and in a moment, Bret had made her way to the living room.  She stopped in her tracks when she saw Laura, taking in her dress, her hair, and the timid smile on her daughter’s face. 

 

Bret looked speechless for a moment.  “Oh, my.  The dance tonight, I’d forgotten.  I’m sorry I’m a little late.  You look…well, you just look beautiful,” Bret said matter-of-factly.  Her features softened, as if she may cry, then she pushed it aside and set her gaze on her daughter’s face.  “Now, you remember what we talked about, right?  No drink, no drugs, and especially—“

 

“—no sex, yes, Mom, I remember, okay?”  Laura rolled her eyes inwardly.  Her mother had been drilling this mantra into her head since before Laura could walk, it seemed.  But that’s okay, nothing is going to ruin this night.

 

“It’s just that you don’t understand boys the way I do.”  Bret’s voice was a little softer, Laura noticed, and she knew her mother was only trying to help.  “These boys, they may seem like they’re just as nice as can be, but eventually, they’ll show their true colors, and when they do, you need to run as fast as you can the other way.  I’m telling you, Lori, ain’t a single good one out there, so you need to be careful.”

 

Laura sighed.  “I know Mom,” she said, as the doorbell rang.  Laura’s heart shot into her throat as Bret answered the door.

 

Arun walked in, shy and handsome, and shook Bret’s hand.  He stopped when he saw Laura.  His mouth opened a little in surprise, and his eyes widened.  “Wow, you look…I mean, you look…”

 

“Okay, Son, keep it in your pants.”  Laura was frequently embarrassed in front of her friends by her mother’s frank talk.  “Now listen to me, young man.  This is my baby here, okay?  And if you have any thoughts about doing anything indecent, you can get them out of your head right now, you understand?  If you try anything with my daughter, and believe me, I will find out, I’ll cut your stuff off and feed it to your dog, got it?”  Arun just kind of stared at her.

 

Laura grabbed her purse and her wrap and walked to the door.  “Umm, thanks Mom, yeah, we’ll be home early, okay?  Love you.”  She pecked her mother on the cheek and steered Aron out into the night.  “I’m sorry about my mother,” she said shyly.  “She’s a little…protective.”

 

“Yeah, I guess,”  Arun chuckled.  “No, hey, that’s cool.  I just want us to have a nice time tonight, okay?  Let’s not worry about anyone else.”  He offered his arm to her.

 

Laura grinned.  “You got it,” she said happily, and took his arm as he led her to his car.

 

The night was simply magical.  Laura felt like a princess when she and Arun arrived at the dance.  Most of her classmates barely recognized her at first, used to seeing the baggy clothes and ponytail she’s rarely without.  But once they realized it was her, she couldn’t believe the number of compliments she received from everyone, boys, girls, even teachers, about how pretty she looked.  And she felt pretty.  For the first time in her life, she really felt like a normal, pretty 16 year old girl.  The effect was dizzying.

 

After the dance, she and Arun got in his car and drove a little.  Her mother wanted her home early, so there wasn’t really time to go to any of the after parties, but there was a little time for them to just drive and talk.  It was wonderful; they talked about everything, from parents, to siblings, college, the future, the past.  Laura couldn’t believe she’d had such a great time, and was so sorry it had to end when Arun pulled up in front of her house.

 

“See, I’m a good boy.  Even gave you a few minutes to spare.”  He grinned lopsidedly at her.  “I had a really nice time tonight, Lori.”

 

“Yeah, me too.” Laura was starting to blush.  Her stomach stirred a little.  Could this really be an absolute perfect date?  Was he about to kiss her?  “Well, I guess I’ll see you at school Monday.”

 

“Lori, wait.  Just a sec.” Arun looked nervous.  “Umm, do you think it would be okay, if I, umm, I mean, umm, kissed you?”  In the dim light of the car, Laura could see Arun’s blush.

 

“Yes.”  Laura was surprised at how confident her voice sounded in her head, because her knees were practically shaking.

 

Arun leaned gently forward, and lightly brushed her lips with his.  Laura felt a small explosion erupt in her stomach, and as he pulled away, she smiled as she looked in his eyes.  She was thrilled when he leaned in and kissed her again, a little more passionate this time.  She felt a stirring she’d never felt before, the first stirrings of passion in a young, naïve girl, and she felt herself melt into him.  When the strap on her dress innocently fell off her shoulder, it jolted her.  She opened her eyes and pushed him away.

 

“What are you doing?”  Her voice shook.

 

“What?  What do you mean?  I thought you were enjoying it.”  Arun was confused.

 

“What, are you trying to undress me now, is that it?”  She wrenched the strap back on to her shoulder.

 

He looked at her shoulder, his eyes growing wide. “Oh, no no no.  I didn’t…it was an accident I swear!  I didn’t touch your strap, honest!” 

 

Laura felt a part of her heart grow cold.  This, she thought, this is what her mother had meant.  “I think I will say goodnight now, Arun.  Please don’t call me again.”  And she was out the door before he could say another word.

 

When Laura returned home, she quietly made her way into her room.  She knew her mother had to work early in the morning, and didn’t want to wake her.  Once in her room, she flung the dress on the floor, crawled into bed and, like so many nights before this one, cried herself to sleep.

 

*

 

 

Laura looked at James, stunned. She pulled him into the kitchen. “Gone?  What do you mean, gone?”

 

James shrugged. “I don’t know what I mean.  His Dad and brother dropped him off at the airport, and he never got on his flight.  We had a cameraman at the gate he was supposed to depart from, and he never got there.  We’ve checked and double-checked with B’linduh, the airport, his Dad, and we’ve got nothing.  He just…vanished.”  He looked at Laura.  “I’m afraid something might have happened to him.”

 

Laura looked surprised.  “Really?  You think so?”  Her mind had gone another way.  “I’m not so sure.  Don’t you think it’s possible that he just…left?  Decided not to get on the plane, ran away maybe?”

 

James’ eyes grew wide.  “I hadn’t thought of that.  Do you really…? Man.  I guess it’s possible.  They seem like such a happy family, though.”

 

Laura shrugged.  “Most do, when you’re looking in from the outside. We ought to talk to B’linduh, see what she thinks about it.”

 

James looked helpless.  “I wish there was more we could do.”

 

“Unfortunately, there really isn’t,”  Laura said. “The local authorities can handle the search for now, and if he is really missing, then maybe we can involve the Bureau. But none of that can happen for at least another day.”  Laura’s heart felt heavy.  She really liked B’linduh, and now for her to have to go through this…there was no doubt in Laura’s mind.  Jefry Marci had skipped out on his family.

 

*

 

The next few hours passed as if in a fog.  There was nothing anyone could do, so they decided to set about finishing the den they’d worked so hard on for the last day and a half.  Laura pitched in where she could, but her heart wasn’t in it.  She felt herself slowly growing more and more angry.  Why are we bothering to finish a room, she thought to herself, for a man who won’t even be around to enjoy it?   He’s probably off with some girlfriend somewhere, having a good laugh at the whole thing.  Laura was a little surprised at her own vehemence.  Had she stopped to think beyond that, she’d have realized she was sounding all too familiar.

 

She looked at the floor as Stack got back on the phone.

 

“Sorry, Laura, nothing. We have no reports from the airport. No John Does. Nobody dead.” Stack paused. “I can’t believe I’m sorry for that, but, I got nothing.”

 

“Thanks, Stack.” They made their goodbyes and hung up. She looked across the room at James and shook her head. She knew that they couldn’t even put out a missing person report until tomorrow.  She looked at her phone. Charlie had called. Her thumb danced over the numbers for a while, then she turned off the phone and slipped it into her pocket.

 

Around 5 o’clock, the den was finished, and everything was packed away and ready to go.  They obviously wouldn’t be filming any kind of reveal, so there wasn’t any real reason to stay, but no one could seem to bring up the subject of leaving, and the Marci family didn’t seem very anxious to see them go.  It had been five hours, and there was no word of what had become of Jefry.  Laura walked out on the back porch to get some air, and found B’linduh, sitting in the dusk.  She looked like she’d been crying.  Laura sat down beside her.

 

“How are you holding up?” Laura asked, feeling utterly helpless.

 

“Well, not so great.  I don’t think the kids really understand what’s going on here.  Don’t think they really want to.  I just…”  Laura could see the tears starting again.  B’linduh took a deep breath to calm herself before she went on.  “I just don’t know if I could forgive myself if something’s happened to him.  This whole trip was my idea, you know?  And I just feel like I led him into some kind of…I don’t know what.”  She lowered her head.  “He’s my best friend. I’ve never known anyone like him.  If I’ve lost him, I don’t know what I’ll do.”  She took a ragged breath.

 

Laura could feel the bitterness welling inside of her.  She chose her words very carefully. “B’linduh, I hate to bring this up, but is there any chance, any at all, that your husband may have…uh, may have left you?”  B’linduh’s head shot up, and she simply stared at Laura.  “Look, the only reason I ask is because I’m an investigative reporter, okay?  And when you’re doing an investigation, you have to consider all possibilities, no matter how farfetched or unpleasant.  I just think if you maybe thought about it, you might be able to—“

 

“Might be able to, what, figure out if my husband left me?”  B’linduh was incredulous.  “How dare you!  Who do you think you are?  My husband is the most caring, devoted, faithful man, husband, and father I have ever known!  Do you think I haven’t been hearing the whispering from everyone in this house all afternoon?  Is that your doing, that they all think the same thing you do?  YOU DO NOT KNOW MY HUSBAND!  If he didn’t get on that plane, it’s not because he chose not to, okay?  It’s because something has happened to him!”  B’linduh’s voice had started to rise and her eyes flashed.

 

“Look,”  said Laura, “I’m not trying to upset you, okay?  I’m just trying to get you to consider all the possibilities—“

 

“I am considering all the possibilities, all right?  There is absolutely no possible way Jef would ever, EVER run out on me or on this family, do you understand that?  Look, I don’t know who screwed you over, okay, but leave me and my family out of it.  And while you’re at it, try keeping your nose out of things that don’t concern you.”  B’linduh got up from the porch and walked back into the kitchen, slamming the door behind her. 

 

Laura was in shock.  She was trying to be helpful here, and B’linduh had barely come short of spitting in her face.  She looked up when the back door opened again, and James came out and sat down on the porch next to her.

 

“Boy,” James said, chuckling a little. “You sure pissed her off good.”

 

Laura sighed.  “I didn’t really mean to, you know.  I was just trying to open her eyes.  I mean, what is wrong with that woman?  Is she so blinded by love that she doesn’t realize that this man has skipped?  If he’s this kind, loving man she keeps talking about, then where the hell is he?  His father dropped him off at the airport, he didn’t get on his plane.  They’ve been looking for almost 6 hours now.  If something had happened to him in the airport, they’d have found him by now.  The only explanation is that he doesn’t want to be found.”

 

James looked at Laura.  “That’s not the only possible explanation, you know.”

 

“Oh, please, not you too!  What other possible explanation could there be?  Maybe he…got lost on his way from the entrance to the terminal?  Maybe someone stuffed him in a locker and they just haven’t found him yet?  What?  What other explanation could there possibly be?”

 

“Well, I don’t know, Lori, I’m not a cop, okay?  But can’t you just keep your mind open to the possibility of another explanation?”  He paused and looked at her.  “What if it was Charlie?  Has your Mother really warped you that much?”

 

Laura stared at him, stunned.  “How could you—“ But she never finished her thought, as the ringing phone cut through the quiet in the house.  They dashed into the kitchen as B’linduh was answering the phone.

 

“Hello?!  Yes?  Okay…okay…what happened?”  Laura thought B’linduh was remarkably calm.  She listened for a long while.  “And he’s allright?”  B’linduh seemed to crumble.  “Oh, yes, thank you, thank you so much.  Where is he?  Okay, tell him I’m on my way.”  She hung up the phone, her face bright red, tears streaming down her cheeks.  She looked at them for what seemed like an eternity.  Finally, her eyes lingered on Laura.

 

 “He’s going to be fine.  Apparently, when he got to the airport, he found out his flight was going to be delayed a couple of hours, so he locked his bags in a locker and walked over to a mall about a quarter mile away to kill some time.  I guess on the way back he was…hit by a car.  He rolled into a ditch, and the driver took off, which is why it took so long for the authorities to find him.  Luckily, he’s only got a broken leg, and he’s going to be just fine.”  She continued to stare at Laura for a moment, then shook herself slightly and addressed everyone else.  “Now, if you all will excuse me, I must ask you to leave.  I have a sitter to arrange and a plane to catch.”  And she turned on her heel and left the kitchen.

 

Everyone was so relieved, they laughed and hugged each other happily.  Finally, James said over the din, “Come on, everyone, let’s get out of here so she can get to her husband.”  As the group filed out of the kitchen, and out the front door, they called their goodbyes to B’linduh. 

 

James turned to Laura.  “Well, I think I need a drink.  You coming?”

 

Laura was very still.  She looked at James for a moment.  “Yeah, I’ll be right there.”  She was shaken.  How had she been so wrong, and so sure about being wrong?  She’d upset B’linduh for no reason.  The guilt was tearing at her.  She went upstairs and knocked on B’linduh’s bedroom door.  B’linduh turned and, seeing who it was, went back to what she was doing. 

 

“Can I help you?”

 

Laura was shaky.  “Umm, listen, I want to apologize—“

 

B’linduh spun around, coming face to face with Laura.  She looked Laura straight in the eye.  “Save it, okay?  You know, I feel sorry for you.  You have no concept of love and trust, do you?  Look, I don’t know if your Daddy done you wrong, or what, but you had no right to unload your baggage on me.  Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go see my husband.”

 

Laura looked away, and started for the door.  She started to say something, and stopped, realizing there was nothing really to say.  “Goodbye…I’m sorry,” she said quietly, and made her way downstairs and out into the cool evening.  She took a deep breath, and tried to hold back the tears.

 

James was waiting for her by her car; everyone else had gone. “Okay, here’s the deal.  Something is going on with you, and you and I are going to talk about it.  You’re one of my best friends, and I’m not going to watch you go through this alone.  Got it?”  He opened the passenger door for her. 

 

Laura looked at his face.  His gaze was set; there was no arguing.  She sighed and shrugged.  “Yeah, okay.  But I could use a beer.”

 

James smiled.  “You got it.”

 

*

 

Laura came in quietly from the library.  It was after midnight.  She’d been studying for her Rhetoric final with a friend from BCU, and she knew her mother and sisters would be asleep.  As she made her way to her room, she thought she heard someone crying.  She stopped, and looked around, noticing a small light coming from her mother’s room.  She tiptoed to the door, and put her ear to it.  Yes, it was definitely her mother.  Laura knocked quietly, and gently opened the door.  Her mother was sitting on her bed, with an ashtray holding a lit cigarette in front of the opened window.  She was surrounded on her bed by piles of pictures and photo albums, and seemed to be going through one album in particular.

 

“Mom?”

 

Bret jumped.  She hadn’t heard Laura knock.  She started to say something defensive, but seemed to find she lacked the energy. “Hey Lori.  Was I making too much noise?”

 

“No, Mom, I thought I heard something, so I wanted to see if you’re okay.”  Laura paused.  “Are you?”  She was completely at a loss.  She’d never even seen her mother cry before, let alone look so tired and helpless and sad.

 

Bret sighed.  “I don’t know.”  She cleared off a space for Laura to sit. Laura crossed the room tentatively and sat on the edge of her mother’s bed.  “I was just looking through some old pictures, feeling sorry for myself, I guess.”  She reached over and took a drag on her cigarette, looking over at Laura.  “Want one?”

            Laura was surprised.  “Me?”  She indeed had started smoking a little, but never knew her mother suspected anything.

 

Bret smiled a weary smile. “You’re 19 years old, you’re a big girl.  So you want one or not?”

 

“Uh, sure.” Laura took a cigarette from the pack, starting to feel certain that this must be what an out of body experience felt like.  She looked down at the pictures as she lit her cigarette. “So what are you looking at?”

 

Bret sighed, a ragged sigh that told Laura she’d been crying. “Oh, just some old pictures of you girls when you were younger, me when I was younger…” She hesitated.  “Some pictures of your Daddy.”

 

Laura nearly choked on her cigarette.  “What?”  She was stunned.  Bret had never even given up her father’s name, let alone let on that she’d had pictures of him.

 

“I know, I know, I should’ve told you sooner.  I hope you can forgive me, Lori, it was too painful.  I kept them; I knew I wanted you to see him someday, I just…”  She drifted off, had a faraway look in her eyes.  Then she shook herself. “Anyway, here he is.  I’m sorry to have to tell you this now, but unfortunately it’s too late for you to do anything about it anyway.  I heard this afternoon that he died last week.”

 

Laura looked at the picture.  She didn’t know what she’d expected, but it wasn’t this.  This young man, no older than her, was handsome, smiling, vibrant looking…she hadn’t exactly expected him to be twirling a moustache, but she’d expected him to look like something of a bad guy, she guessed.  Laura spoke tentatively.  “What…what was he like?”

 

Bret smiled.  “Oh, he was…a real nice boy.”  Laura looked up, surprised.  She’d never heard her mother say anything nice about her father, ever.  Bret had a dreamy expression.  “He was 2 years older than me, and he had his own car, and he was…really nice to me.”  Her expression turned sad.  “It wasn’t really his fault, you see.  When I told my parents that I was pregnant, they told his parents and they sent the both of us away, separately.  I never told him to his face that he was going to be a Dad.  In fact,”  she took a deep breath, “he may have never known.  I never saw him again.”

 

Laura was utterly stunned.  She could barely get the words out. “But…all these years…you said he was such a bastard.”

 

Bret’s voice grew hard. “Don’t you understand, Lori?  It didn’t matter whether he had a choice or not, or whether he knew or not.  What mattered is that I was alone, I had a baby to raise, and I had no help from anyone. You know the story.  As soon as you were born, my parents plopped me in the middle of Big City, no money, no job, and told me never to come home again.  And I didn’t, I couldn’t.  When I met George, I thought, great, all my problems were solved.  I got my teaching degree, had the girls, and then…he was gone too.  He wasn’t a bad man, Lori, but there he was, walking out my door, just like the rest of them.  So what am I to do?  I harden myself, make myself believe that it’s everyone else’s fault but my own because it’s the only way I can get out of bed every morning, the only way I can keep coming home every night.”  The tears were flowing freely from both of them now. “It was the only way I could survive knowing…that I could not be loved.  No one could really love me.  It was all my fault, all of it, they all just…”  Bret was crying too hard to talk.  She collapsed on her bed, her body wracked with sobs.

 

Laura just stared at her mother.  She tentatively put an arm around her, and rubbed her back gently.  “Mom, come on.  We love you.  I love you, Mari and Jorie.  We all love you.  Come on, Mom.”  Laura gently picked her mother up and placed her mother in her own arms.  They both cried for what seemed like hours, eventually rocking each other to sleep.

 

*

 

James sat back, stunned.  His eyes were glistening with tears.  “Wow.  You never told me that story before.  I can’t believe it.  What did your mother say the next day?”

 

Laura chuckled. “Are you kidding me?  It was vintage Bret Medrano.  It was like nothing had happened, everything was closed off again.  Neither of us ever brought it up again.”

 

“And what about your dad?”  James asked. “Did you ever find out any more about him?”

 

Laura thought for a minute. “Huh.  You know, I never even found out his name?  To me, it wasn’t like I’d lost anything, to be honest.  He was a stranger, you know?  So, his death was sad, but no more sad than any other stranger I guess.”  She caught James’ look.  “Okay, I know that sounds harsh, but it’s true.  It really hasn’t bothered me that much.”

 

James studied her for a moment. “It’s kind of funny that you really don’t think so.”

 

“What do you mean?”

James started to say something, then stopped. “I don’t know what I mean.  I just think that you need to cut yourself a little slack every once in a while, is all.  Let yourself be taken care of now and then.”  He looked at her for a long time.  “You may never forgive me for saying this, but I think you’re a lot more like your mother than you’d like to admit.”

 

Laura was mad. “How could you say that?  Look, I know my Mom screwed me up, okay?  But that night, she made me realize that it was possible to trust men, that they weren’t all bad news.  I mean, it didn’t happen overnight, but it did happen, okay?  I’m fine now.”  As Laura looked at James, she realized he wasn’t the only one she seemed to be trying to convince.  She felt dumbfounded suddenly, as if she’d been struck by a bolt of lightning or something.  Maybe she wasn’t as over this stuff as she thought.

 

 James rose to his feet, and kissed her on top of her head.  “It’s late, and I’ve got an early flight.  It was great to see you again, Lori.  Call me anytime, for anything.  Love you.”  He paid the tab and left the bar. 

 

Laura still couldn’t move.  She could only watch dumbly as James walked out the door.  She suddenly felt exhausted, like she hadn’t slept in years.  She looked at her watch.  It was only 8:30, but it felt much later.  She used what was left of her energy making her way up to her hotel room.  She barely got the door shut and her shoes off before she fell into the bed, where she would stay for the next twelve hours.

 

When she woke up, she felt physically rested, but as she showered, packed her bags, checked out of the hotel, and started on the road back to Big City, she realized that she had a lot of things to sort out in her mind, first and foremost being why this weekend had affected her so deeply.  She didn’t know how long it would take, but she would take as long as she needed to.

 

*