SATURDAY MORNING BABYLON
by e

LIGHTS UP

(Eric sits opposite Dan and Millie)

DAN:        Welcome back to RISE AND SHINE AMERICA. I'm David Bowie.

MILLIE:        And I'm Taylor Dane.

BOTH:        But not THOSE ONES. (They both laugh inanely.)

MILLIE:        Joining us now is author Fred Pels..Pelbas…is it Pelbst?

ERIC:        Its…(Attempts to interject but Millie keeps attempting his name.)

MILLIE:        Pelmo-asbt..Pelbsia…Pelbson. I am so sorry.

ERIC:        It's Phillips.

MILLIE:        (Looks out at the cue card very hard.) Ah. So it is.

DAN:        Fred is the author of a new book, Tales of a Saturday Morning Babylon.

ERIC:        That's right David.

MILLIE:        Now, this is a very revealing book dealing with a period in Saturday Morning programming from the late 70s into the 80s.

ERIC:        That's correct.

DAN:        So how did all the stories in this book come down to you?

ERIC:        Well, I lived most of them. I spent 8 years from 1977 through 1985 with Hanna Barberra. Originally doing script coverage and development but eventually working as a producer and director.

MILLIE:        So you were really in there. What was it like?

ERIC:        It was an incredibly decadent time. The back stabbing. The drugs. Thats why I was compelled to write the book.

DAN:        This book is a gripping read.

MILLIE:        Mhhm. Juicy.

DAN:        So it was really that bad?

ERIC:         It was terrible.

MILLIE:        In chapter 14 you discuss how you saved a particular stars life. Would you like to relay that story to the audience?

ERIC:        Yeah. In 1980 I was scouting locations in New York when I got a call from Shaggy. He said…

DAN:        (Somewhat bewildered) Shaggy? From Scooby Doo?

ERIC:        Yeah. He and I went way back. I worked development on a screenplay he had written with Jabberjaw. Most people forget that they started out together in the Catskills. Anyway, he says that he heard I was in town and he had a group going down to Club 54. (Dan slowly begins to thumb through the book.) It was Shaggy, The Blue Falcon,  The Wonder Twins and Snagglepuss. It was a blast. The Smurfs were performing that night, I remember. They were just a club act then.  We all kind of knew they'd break. We had been there about an hour when out of nowhere Velma comes stumbling out of the crowd. Shes all coked up and drunk and shes railing on Shaggy. See, her career went to hell when the Scooby and the producers brought in Scrappy-Doo to boost ratings. Eventually Velma and the others were given less and less to do and eventually were dropped all together. So she's screaming at Shaggy and I guess the coke and alcohol mix got the best of her and she her first heart attack right there. So I wound up giving her CPR with Shmoo until the paramedics showed up.

MILLIE:        (Enthralled) Amazing.  And the book is just filled with stories like that.

ERIC:        Oh yeah.

DAN:        I'm sorry. I dont mean to interrupt but…well I guess I do.

MILLIE:        What is it David?

DAN:        Are you trying to tell me that you spent and evening at Club 54 with Shaggy from Scooby Doo.

ERIC:        That's right.

MILLIE:         Amazing story. A great chapter.

ERIC:        Thank you.

DAN:        I'm sorry but…are you fucking high?!

ERIC:        I beg your pardon?

DAN:        So you are trying to convince me that your "Tell All" book digs into the scandalous lives of..(incredulous) CARTOON CHARACTERS?

ERIC:        (Long pause) Yeah.

DAN:        (Satisfied) Oh. Okay. (Goes back to reading)

MILLIE:        So are there people that are unhappy with the book?

ERIC:        Oh of course. The book has actually been finished for about 3 years. We had to wait until some court cases were settled before we could release it.

MILLIE:        Are you at liberty to talk about them.

ERIC:        Several people, namely members of the Care Bear Cousins, Glomer, The Purple Pieman and Thundarr The Barbarian, didn't like the way I handled them in the book. I'm not really at liberty to discuss the conditions of the settlement though.

DAN:        (Still reading) Woah!! Optimus Prime was gay?!?! Phew! Didnt catch that one!

MILLIE:        Who would you say was the best person you worked with at the time.

ERIC:        Gargamel. Hands down. Just a great guy. He was just so good in that role on The Smurfs that he never worked again. No one really knew that he gave millions to charity during the run of that show. By the end Smurfette and Papa Smurf were each pulling in 2 Million an episode and Gargy was only doing about 600 grand. Never balked. A class act.

MILLIE:        What's he doing now.

ERIC:        I havent seen him in probably 12 years. Last I heard hes running a summer ranch for handicapped children in Wyoming. Azrael of course lost her battle with feline leukemia in 1993.

MILLIE:        Who was the worst person you worked with?

ERIC:        The Great Grape Ape. The guy was just a letch. He always had some chippy stashed in his trailer. Hed show up drunk on the set and late. It took forever to set up those shots because of all the special effects to make him look like a giant. The guy was only 5 foot 4. So on average a production would be behind about 8 hours while they waited for him to sober up.

DAN:        This is amazing! You knew all these people?

ERIC:        Yes.

MILLIE:        Any last bit of dirt before we have to go?

ERIC:        Uh…Captain Caveman and Wonder Woman had a child out of wedlock.

MILLIE:        Well, I think we all knew that one already. The book is Tales of a Saturday Morning Babylon. The author…Fred Phillips. Thank you for coming on the show today. Well be back right after this.

DAN:        (To Millie) Did you read this about Monchichi?!

MILLIE:        Shut up.;

BLACKOUT