Ask the Bikini

by Dale Roe

STANDARD LIVING ROOM SET-UP, COUCH CENTER. A COUPLE OF CHAIRS. JEFF SITS, LISTENING TO THE DEAD ON HEADPHONES. WE HEAR IT, TOO. JANET IS ON COUCH, IN A MEDITATION POSITION, APPROPRIATELY ENOUGH, MEDITATING. JOSH ENTERS.

JOSH: Mom…Mom! (SHE DOES NOT RESPOND. HE CROSSES TO DAD, DOWN LEFT)

Dad…yo, Dad! (HE DOES NOT RESPOND. JOSH FLIPS AN IMAGINARY SWITCH

AND THE MUSIC STOPS.)

JEFF: Whoa, I’m deaf. Bummer.

JOSH: (TAKES OFF DAD’S HEADPHONES) Hey, Dad!

JEFF: Hearing’s back. Dig it. Hey dude, you know you don’t have to call me “Dad.” I mean,

we’re pals, right? Soulmates.

JOSH: I know Dad, but I just don’t feel comfortable calling you “Freedom,” Dad.

JEFF: That’s cool. We’ve all gotta’ live together. I don’t want to force you to sing my tune,

dude.

JOSH: Uh, yeah, right. Thanks. I appreciate it.

JEFF: You could call me “dude” if you want. It’s not that far from the authoritarian “Dad.”

JOSH: I’ll think about it.

JEFF: Cool. Glad we can communicate. (GOES TO PUT HEADPHONES ON, BUT JOSH

STOPS HIM) Dude…tuneage!

JOSH: I know, Dad, but I’ve got to ask you something. I need to borrow the car tonight. Is that

okay?

JEFF: Dude. Got some lovin’’ lined up?

JOSH: Dad!

JANET: Nothin’ wrong with love, dude. World could use a lot more of it.

JOSH: Jeez, Mom.

JEFF: You want to just bring her here? We can split for a coupla’ hours, man…

JOSH: No. look—the Young Republicans are having a rally at Fenton and Jessica asked me to

take her.

BOTH: Duuuude.

JOSH: I know that the YR doesn’t fit in with your philosophy, whatever exactly that may be,

but I really like Jessica and besides, it’s not like I’m joining the ROTC or anything! So

whaddya’ say?

JEFF: I dunno, dude.

JANET: Now, Freedom…we’ve dialogued about this before. We’ve gotta’ let Echo find his own

way; choose his own destiny.

JOSH: …umm, that’s another thing: Please don’t call me “Echo” in front of Jessica, okay? I

mean, if I ever DO bring her over.

JEFF: Echo’s a beautiful name, dude. I really think your babe’d dig it!

JOSH: Look…can I borrow the car or not? I have to know. I’ve gotta’ call Jess…

JEFF: Well, dude…you know it’s okay with me, and I’m sure it’s cool with Sunshine, but you

know the ritual, dude.

JOSH: (SIGHS) I’ll get the bikini. (HE EXITS)

JEFF: Young Republicans. Whoa.

BOB: (ENTERS) Hey, Mom, hey Dad.

JANET: Saffron!

BOB: It’s Roger, okay? ROGER. Jesus, if you had to give me one of your stupid, freaking

hippie names, at least you could have picked a male-sounding one.

JEFF: Whoa—someone’s hung-up on gender roles.

BOB: Yeah, well, I’m a MAN.

JEFF: You’re a PERSON, dude.

BOB: Yes. A MALE person. Man, why don’t you guys GROW UP?

JEFF: Sounds like someone had a bad day in the “establishment.”

BOB: You know what, Dad? I did. I had a freakin’ LOUSY day at work. But at least I

worked, alright? I didn’t sit around tie-dying t-shirts and cooking grilled-cheese

sandwiches on psychedelic bread to barter out of the back of my VW van at the next

Grateful Dead show.

JANET: This is good, dude. Let it all out! Communicate!

BOB: If you’d ever worked a day in your life, you might learn to appreciate the value of it.

You probably wouldn’t like it, but at least you’d have the satisfaction of knowing you

were DOING something, and not just floating in the breeze like a feather, for God’s

sake.

JEFF: Feathers are beautiful, dude!

JANET: I could think of worse things to be…

BOB: You guys are hopeless. Where’s Pete?

JOSH: (RE-ENTERS) Oh—hey Roger. (HE QUICKLY PUTS THE BIKINI BEHIND HIS

BACK)

BOB: What have you got there, Pete?

JOSH: Nothing.

BOB: Mom, Dad…I thought we decided we weren’t going to do this anymore!

JEFF: No, dude…YOU decided YOU weren’t going to do it anymore. And that’s cool. But

it’s what WE do. We respect your feelings. You should extend us the same courtesy.

Echo?

BOB: Don’t do it, Pete.

JOSH: But I wanna’ use the van…

BOB: Oh, man!

JOSH: Here, Dad. (HANDS HIS DAD THE BIKINI TOP)

JEFF: hit it.

JOSH: (STOMPS HIS FOOT AND CLAPS HIS HANDS TO BEAT OUT A RHYTHM.

AFTER A MOMENT, JANET JOINS IN. DAD BEGINS TO CHANT)

JEFF: There’s something that you wanna’ do today…

Ask the bikini it it’s okay!

The bikini’s fair; the bikini’s just

it’s two D-cups of loving trust!

The bikini knows what you should do—

Ask it and it shall speak to you!

Throw it in the air and watch it land.

Then it will reveal its hand!

If the points land high then you can go,

but if the cups land up the answer’s no.

Now THROW!

JOSH: (AS HE THROWS THE BIKINI IN THE AIR) Can I borrow the van? (THE BIKINI

LANDS, CUPS-UP, WITH A THUD)

JEFF: Sorry, Echo.

JOSH: (DISAPPOINTED) That’s okay.

BOB: That’s it? That’s all you have to say???

JOSH: Aw, just drop it, Roger.

BOB: No way. Mom, Dad…you guys are adults! Why don’t you start acting like it? I mean,

what the hell is this, letting a bikini make decisions for your children? Take some

responsibility for God’s sake!

JOSH: Forget it, Roger. The bikini decided, fair and square.

BOB: Fair and square? What are you, some kind of moron? Has the freakin’ bikini EVER

said yes to ANYTHING? (HE RUNS OVER AND PICKS IT UP) Have you ever noticed

these two fishing sinkers sewn into the cups for crying out loud???

JOSH: What are you saying?

BOB: This bikini is loaded! Fixed! It’s just Mom and Dad, afraid of confrontation; afraid of

responsibility and adulthood. (TO DAD) I don’t even know why I’m wasting my breath

on you. you’re nothing but a loser, and you’ll never be anything else.

JANET: Now, Roger, don’t you take that tone of voice with your Father!

BOB: YOU’RE defending HIM? You’re worse than HE is!

JEFF: That’s enough, young man!

BOB: Ooohh…I think I’m getting some bad vibes from you two!

JEFF: You want bad vibes? I’ll SHOW YOU some BAD VIBES, young man! (HE STARTS

TO REMOVE HIS BELT)

BOB: Oh, hey Echo, check this! “Freedom’s” gonna whack me with his belt! Hey,

“Sunshine,” are you watching this??

JANET: That’s it! you’re grounded, young man! Now, go to your room!

BOB: The last great holdouts of the peace and love generation are GROUNDING me? Oh,

this is rich! Are you sure you want to ground me? Don’t we have to ask the freakin’

BIKINI first?

JEFF: Alright, mister…I’m taking you to your room right NOW. (HE GRABS BOB BY THE

ARM AND LEADS HIM OUT)

JOSH: Wow…did Dad get a hold of some bad acid, or what?

JANET: Shut up, Peter.

BLACKOUT