GAG REFLEX ANTHOLOGY
written by
Janet "Pleasant Valley Sun" Day
Kris "Easy Cheese" Keef
Steven "The Hammer" Lord
Dale "Blow Me" Roe
Eric "Loose Vowels" Schwartz
1 MONTAGE - OUTSIDE THEATER - NIGHT 1
Cut from couples and single people all stating: "It was better
than CATS."
Eventually the edits become fast and furious until it becomes a
succession of : "CATS"
CUT TO:
PLACE KATZ SCENE HERE
He pops a videotape into his VCR.
Zoom in on screen as
CREDITS BEGIN.
DISSOLVE TO:
OPENING CREDITS
DISSOLVE TO:
BLACK SCREEN
KATZ (V.O)
While there is nothing like
a solo artist who can command
an audience, there is something
special about the chemistry
created by artists coming
together. There have been many
great groups throughout history.
CUT TO:
STILL PICTURE (COMPOSITE)
The picture contains Ralph Waldo Emerson, Ricki Lake and Arnold
Palmer.
KATZ (V.O)
(continuing)
Emerson, Lake and Palmer.
CUT TO:
STILL PICTURE (COMPOSITE)
Sean Penn and Edward Teller
KATZ (V.O)
(continuing)
Penn & Teller.
CUT TO:
STILL PICTURE (COMPOSITE)
Joe Louis and Martin Sheen.
KATZ (V.O.)
(continuing)
Martin and Lewis.
CUT TO:
STILL PICTURE (COMPOSITE)
Bob Shapiro, F.Lee Baily, Johnny Cochran, & Barry Sheck
KATZ (V.O)
(Continuing)
And of course...
CAPTION IN:
"THE VIOLENT FEMMES"
KATZ (V.O)
(continuing)
...The Violent Femmes.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. INTERVIEW - STEVE - CLOSE SHOT
STEVE
We knew right from the start
that the name of the group
was the key. The most important
thing. Having a good name is
half the battle. You know. So
we test marketed names, we ran
focus groups, uh...oh we developed
a short list which we used...uh...
to develop a survey. There was
nothing left to chance.
Steve sips coffee.
KATZ (V.O.)
Many names were tried..
Steve puts the cup down and folds his hands.
He sighs and smiles.
DISSOLVE TO:
CAPTION IN:
MONTAGE OF GROUP NAME LOGO HEADS
"Spock's Minions"
"Four Guys & Two Chicks"
KATZ (V.O.)
Some were deemed too esoteric...
CAPTION IN:
"Laugh, Dammit!"
"Testicular Cancer Comedy Theater"
"Jerry's Kids"
KATZ (V.O.)
Some demanded too much of the audience...
CAPTION IN:
"Boils"
"Up With People!"
"...(the group formerly known as Boils)"
KATZ (V.O.)
Others were victims of bad timing...
CAPTION IN:
"Slapstick!"
KATZ (V.0.)
And others just weren't funny...
FADE TO BLACK
KATZ (V.0.)
And some just didn't pull in the crowds.
FADE IN:
INT. COMEDY CLUB - NIGHT - HOME VIDEO SHOT
Steve paces.
The others are seated on the stage in front of an empty house.
They all glare at Steve.
STEVE
I don't get it. I thought
this was the cleverest name
yet. I don't know why nobody
came.
KRIS
Was "Hello Larry" on tonight?
ERIC
Was our name on the marquee?
DALE
(eyes locked on Steve)
Sure was. Big as life.
CUT TO:
EXT. ESTABLISHING SHOT - OUTSIDE CLUB - MARQUEE
Marquee reads;
TONIGHT!
"CLOSED FOR REPAIRS!"
CUT TO:
INT. DALE - INTERVIEW - CLOSE SHOT
DALE
Steve's full of crap.
CUT TO:
INT. STEVE
STEVE
Oh...you wouldn't believe
the time, the effort, the
people involved....
CUT TO:
INT. DALE
DALE
Don't believe a word that
idiot says.
CUT TO:
INT. STEVE
STEVE
The craftsmanship...I can
honestly say that the
search for our name...
..was..the...greatest show
business effort since the
search...um...for Scarlett
O'Hara.
Steve leans back.
INSERT
GRAINY BLACK AND WHITE CLOSE UP - STEVE'S EYES
BACK TO SCENE
STEVE
(Continuing)
I'm serious.
CUT TO:
INT. DALE
DALE
He said what?! Look! We
had no name, we had auditions
coming up, I needed something
for the letter head. Steve was
drunk...and he puked all over
my dog. I said, "Nice gag reflex
stupid." Voila! our name was born.
CUT TO:
INT. STEVE
INTERVIEWER (O.C.)
Um...Dale said you puked on his
dog.
Steve averts his eyes from the camera.
INSERT
EXTREME CLOSE UP - SWEAT ON STEVE'S BROW
BACK TO SCENE
STEVE
That's...kind of a demographic
study.
CAMERA moves off him.
INTERVIEWER (O.C.)
Uh huh.
STEVE (O.S.)
Well, it's input. It's
just really...subtle.
FADE TO BLACK
CAPTION IN:
"GAG REFLEX"
KATZ (V.O.)
Once the name was in place,
Steve and Dale had to build
a cast of talented people.
It was time for auditions...
CAPTION OUT.
FADE IN
DALE - INTERVIEW
DALE
...For the auditions we really
wanted people to be comfortable.
I mean, the whole "you can't see
us but we can see you thing" really
unnerves people. So we wanted to try
a variety of venues for the auditions...
DISSOLVE TO:
BASEMENT REC-ROOM - NIGHT (HOME VIDEO)
Steve, Dale and several EXTRAS sit around a table.
DALE
Okay. We'd like you to fill out
these questionnaires. One I need
serious answers for, the other...
STEVE
...just run with it.
CUT TO:
STEVE - INTERVIEW
STEVE
Um... the first audition
didn't go....well.
CUT TO:
REC -ROOM
CLOSE SHOT (SHAKY CAM)- VAPID YOUNG ACTRESS
Leans in to Dale.
ACTRESS
What'd you mean...um...
run with it?
DALE
Just be goofy. Have fun
with it.
ACTRESS
Fun? Do you want me to
have fun or do you want
me to run with it?
Dale stares at her.
CUT TO:
WILLIAM "TOAST" PETERSON
faces camera.
TOAST
I have dedicated my life
to extrapolating, through the
arts the complicated and
(chuckles breathlessly)
sometimes zany world of
macro-economics.
(laughs vigorously)
CUT TO:
STEVE AND DALE
sit crumpled on a sofa . They exchange glances.
CUT TO:
DALE AND VAPID YOUNG ACTRESS
ACTRESS
Goofy... Do you want a
kind of falling on your
knees, drooling on your
clown shoes goofy. Or more
of a.... cerebral...Chekhov
goofy?
DALE
Goofy...goofy. You know...
GOOFY!
ACTRESS
Oh! You mean a Kafka-derivative
anarchy relying heavily on the
adrenalin induced bipolar battle
between the Ego, the super Ego
and the Id. Cool.
DALE
Whatever. Just make it under
two minutes.
CUT TO:
JOEY CALGON
JOEY
Okay I got dis sketch. Okay
Any VD clinic. Your run of the
mill kind. This guy in a turban
stttrrrrrolllls in covered in
lesions. You with me? Get it
lesions. So the day nurse says
"..the hell happened to you?"
And LESION MAN says "Hey! I had
to wear da turban. I lost my hat."
Get it?! I think LESION MAN's a
keeper. He should be in every show.
CUT TO:
DALE AND STEVE
SAD MUSIC PLAYS
Dale has his face in his hands. A soggy tissue pokes out between
his fingers.
Steve comforts him.
STEVE
It's okay. Just keep it together.
DALE
I... can't. I can't
STEVE
We'll find somebody. I swear.
I need you here! Now! Man.
Don't crumble on me dude.
ERIC (O.S.)
Is this auditions for Gag Reflex?
NEEDLE SCRATCHES ACROSS RECORD
Steve and Dale whip their heads in the direction of the voice.
ERIC
Eric stands with a guitar around his neck.
ERIC
I have a strong comic background.
I write. I sing. I act. And I work for
free.
CUT TO:
COUCH - A SECOND LATER
Eric sits confused on the couch. Steve is shoving a cigar in
Eric's mouth. Dale is taking Eric's shoes off and giving him a
foot massage.
STEVE
Can I get you a refreshment.
Coke? Coffee? Mineral water?
Some oooorrrooonnngggg tea
perhaps?
DALE
You don't think lesions are funny
do you?
CUT TO:
KATZ OFFICE - (ALA A&E BIOGRAPHY LEAD OUT)
Katz walks around the desk and sits on the near edge.
KATZ
It took a lot of effort but
after finding Eric Schwartz
the group really began to
gel. Steve and Dale's dreams
were becoming reality. They
soon picked up Janet Day and
Kris Keef . When we return,
the first shows and the
explosion of Gagmania that
followed.
FADE TO BLACK
A FEW MOMENTS OF BLACKNESS
AND THEN..... PLACE "THAT FREAKIN' AUSSIE" HERE
FADE TO BLACK
BLACKNESS
ERIC (V.O)
What I love about Reflex is
the exciting...maelstrom of
influences.
FADE IN
ERIC - INTERVIEW
ERIC
(continuing)
I mean... going all the way
back to Gracie Allen with Kris,
to much more contemporary
character based humor, like
SNL or SCTV with Janet. We are,
in essence, a hybrid , a splicing
of comedy genes, if you will.
CUT TO:
INT. ERIC'S APARTMENT .
Eric sits, several large books open. He reads vigorously and jots
down some notes.
ERIC (V.O.)
Before you can even think
about being funny...you have to
study and know what funny is.
I've actually had people say to me
"Hey. This isn't brain surgery y'know."
And I answer back to them; "You're
right. It's harder. I mean all a
brain surgeon does is cut his way in.
We can't do that. We've got to get
in there...um...through sheer will and
stage presence and language.
CUT TO:
ERIC - INTERVIEW
Eric leans back.
ERIC
That's harder.
CUT TO:
JANET - INTERVIEW
JANET
...no it's basic. I mean...
this isn't brain surgery.
INTERVIEWER
Now, Eric said that he feels
that what Reflex does is harder
than brain surgery.
Janet leans up and cuts off the interviewer.
JANET
(emphatically)
You gotta understand. Eric's
...a geek. A comedy GEEK. He's
good. But, a..a...geek.
CUT TO:
KRIS - INTERVIEW
KRIS
Oh... I wouldn't call him
a ...geek. PER SE. He's
well .... um....
CUT TO:
DALE © INTERVIEW
DALE
Of course he's a geek. What is
this, a debate? Like there's two
sides to this? He's a classic
comedy geek. Don't ever watch Monty
Python with him - he says every line
two seconds before they do.
CUT TO:
STEVE - INTERVIEW
STEVE
See, this is where I often disagree
with everyone else ... I see him
more as a comedy dweeb.
CUT TO:
KRIS - INTERVIEW
KRIS
Well, he's, um ... gee ... he's
nice, you know?
CUT TO:
ERIC - INTERVIEW
ERIC
You have to understand, there is
a certain amount of jealousy here,
not unlike what Kovacs or Berle or
Hope or even Lewis went through in
their careers. I expect it. I
understand it. Also, in character
study, geek works.
CUT TO:
KRIS - INTERVIEW
KRIS
Who's kidding who © he's a geek.
GEEK!
CUT TO:
FREEZE FRAME OF ERIC
TITLE "GEEK!" APPEARS
OVER HIS FACE
FADE OUT
FADE IN
JANET - INTERVIEW
JANET
Everyone assumes Doris is my
mother, or someone I knew in my
life. I would like to set that
straight. She came to me in a dream...
INTERVIEWER
A dream. That's something ...
JANET
Oh, yeah! She appeared in a dream.
Unlike anything I've ever seen or
known. And a voice came to me, and said,
"Be Doris." So I did.
CUT TO:
FADE IN SCHLOCKMAN CONNECTION
FILM CLIP
CUT TO:
DALE - INTERVIEW
DALE
Ah, yes, the Schlockman dream
story ... it's a Gag Reflex
legend now.
CUT TO:
ERIC - INTERVIEW
ERIC
See, I'm skeptical about dream-related
comedy, although you do find a basis
for it in British surrealist comedy ...
CUT TO:
JANET PARENTS INTERVIEW
TITLE: "DELORES AND MILTON DAY. JANET'S PARENTS"
IRVING
Is this about that comdey
thing she does? Better known
as the big waste of time?
DORIS
I'll tell it. She had a promising
future as a stenographer. Marry a
rich man I told her. Are there
rich men in comedy? What about
this Jim Carrey? He makes an ass
of himself in public.
(Turns to Irving)
You do that! Where's my butler?
Where's my BMW, tubby?!
IRVING
Where's my gun.
CUT TO:
JANET - INTERVIEW
JANET
They say that what you dream
comes from your life. But Doris
was so far from anything that
I had experienced that the only
explaination I have is that Doris
was a vision...
FADE IN : "DRIVING MISS CRAZY "
SILENT AND SLOW MOTION
JANET
(slight echo)
...a divine vision.
SLOW FADE
BLACKNESS
KRIS' MOM (V.O.)
Kris always seemed destined for
the stage...
FADE IN:
KRIS' MOM - INTERVIEW
KRIS'S MOM
She was forever on our porch
at night...(chuckles) singing
at the top of her lungs. Just
nonsense like it was opera. That's
how she met the man who was going
to be her husband. Poor Jerry was
the paperboy. He was so shy.
CUT TO:
HOME VIDEO - LITTLE KRIS
Little Kris belts out some jibberish opera.
Zoom in on bushes across street.
Little Jerry stares eerily from the grassy knoll. (bushes)
CUT TO:
KRIS'S MOM - INTERVIEW
KRIS' MOM
It went on like that for quite
a while until finally he had the
nerve to speak to her.
CUT TO:
HOME VIDEO - PRESENT DAY
Present day Kris on the same porch belting out the same jibberish
opera.
Zoom in on bushes across the street.
Adult Jerry, unshaven, stares eeriely from the bushes. (grassy
knoll)
CLOSE SHOT - KRIS, DREAMY EYED, SINGING WITH ABANDON
CUT TO:
MEDIUM SHOT - JERRY SLOUCHING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET
CUT TO:
MEDIUM SHOT - KRIS' GAZE FALLS ON JERRY. SHE ABRUPTLY STOPS
SINGING.
CUT TO:
MEDIUM SHOT - JERRY STANDS AT THE EDGE OF THE YARD
DISSOLVE TO:
ESTABLISHING SHOT - THEIR EYES LOCKED
MUSIC SWELLS
DISSOLVE TO:
MEDIUM SHOT - JERRY AND KRIS , STANDING SHOULDER TO SHOULDER
STARING INTO THE VOID. (AMERICAN GOTHIC) (grassy knoll)
KRIS' MOM (V.O.)
They were a match made in
heaven...
CUT TO:
KRIS' MOM - INTERVIEW
KRIS' MOM
The doctors say that next
week Jerry may talk.
INTERVIEWER
What exactly does this have
to do with Gag Reflex?
KRIS' MOM
Well...nothing.
DISSOLVE TO:
SKETCH CLIP MONTAGE
KATZ (V.O.)
The groundwork was in place.
The momentum was building.
And the cast was in tip top
shape. The early audiences
took to the Reflex brand of
humor with abandon.
They began drawing bigger
and bigger houses until
they began to suffer under
the weight of their own
popularity.
DISSOLVE TO:
STEVE - INTERVIEW
STEVE
It was starting to get...
unwieldy. There's one story
in particular that I'll never
forget.. It was after a club
show in Algonquin. Dale was having
a rum and coke after the show.
Just trying to relax you know...
CUT TO:
KRIS - INTERVIEW
KRIS
(continuing story)
This... Gag-nut... all decked
out in the Tour shirt and cap
almost jumps Dale at the bar
and threatens his life.
CUT TO:
ERIC - INTERVIEW
ERIC
This guy was nuts. He told
Dale some garbage about them
making people laugh in the
afterlife. And then he
pulls out this knife. Not unlike
what happened to Peter Sellers
on December 14 19...
CUT TO:
JANET - INTERVIEW
JANET
Luckily, Dale being quick tells
the guy that he's actually Jason
Alexander and the guy backed off and
apologized.
CUT TO:
STILL BLACK AND WHITE PICTURE
ANDREW BRADLEY HYNDE stands with a rifle and a Gag Reflex poster.
Remarkably similar to the damning photo of Lee Harvey Oswald.
KATZ (V.O.)
The would-be assassin was
Andrew Bradley Hynde. A glass
blower from Woodfield. He
was later arrested and convicted
of aggravated double parking. He died in
prison sometime later.
THE PICTURE FADES AND IS REPLACED WITH A NEWSPAPER ARTICLE
FEATURING A GROUP PHOTO OF RELFEX AND THE HEADLINE:
"BREATHER FOR REFLEX AS NUTBALL CACKS IT"
KATZ (V.O)
(continuing)
Reflex breahted a sigh of relief
but they began to realize that
the carefree days of Reflex were
over.
FADE OUT
FADE IN:
ERIC - INTERVIEW
ERIC
I think that we all started to
see that we had to look more
at the impact that our humor
made.
CUT TO:
DALE - INTERVIEW
DALE
We realized we could still
do what we'd always done
but we had to be careful.
I think that's about the time
Steve's zipper problem started
to creep up again.
CUT TO:
STEVE - INTERVIEW
STEVE
It happens when things get
too stressful. I wish people
wouldn't make such a THING
out of it. It's no big deal.
Really.
CUT TO:
STEVE'S PARENTS - INTERVIEW
DAD
He always was a bit of a
"dud" but... I started
thinking "what's wrong with
this kid? He can't work a zipper?"
MOM
It was like his head was so
full of other things that
he lost that part of his thinking.
DAD
He couldn't put on a pair of nice
slacks without injuring himself.
And not the way you're thinking.
I mean, sprained wrists, pulled
hamstrings...
MOM
One time he was looking for his
keys in a motorcyle jacket,
you know the kind with all the
zippers, he wound up being
in the hospital for three weeks
for a ruptured Pancreas.
CUT TO:
JANET © INTERVIEW
JANET
I didn't think twice when
Steve started showing up
to rehearsals in sweats
and biker shorts. It wasn't
until a few months later that
I finally figured out what was
going on.
CUT TO:
BACKSTAGE
Janet stands in a evening gown.
She stands with her back to Steve.
JANET
I'm on soon, Steve can you zip
me up?
QUICK ZOOM - STEVE
Sweat beads on Steve's brown.
He shakes.
CUT TO:
ON STAGE
Dale and Kris deliver lines.
DALE
(delivering line)
No! It can't be that simple.
KRIS
Honey when she gets here don't
mention that I....
THERE IS A DEAFENING CRASH OFF STAGE.
Dale and Kris snap there heads in the direction of the sound.
CUT TO:
BACKSTAGE - EXTREMELY SHAKY CAMERA
Chaos has broken out.
The scene is reminiscent of the Robert Kennedy Assassination.
Steve is prone on the ground.
ERIC
He's down!
DALE
Back off! Give him some air!
KRIS
Oh God! The humanity!
CUT TO:
STEVE - INTERVIEW
STEVE
I only sustained a dislocated
shoulder...but there for a few
minutes I thought I was a goner.
INTERVIEWER
How are you handling zippers
now?
STEVE
Fine. Great. Look.
(Steve zips and unzips his
fly repeatedly with precision)
It took a lot of counselling.
But I pulled through.
(beat)
The...uh crisis...not my ...
y'know...zipper.
CUT TO:
SKETCH CLIP
KRIS (V.O.)
Things went along pretty
well after that until
Eric starting getting weird.
I mean more weird than usual.
CUT TO:
SLOW - MO SHOT - ERIC WALKING FROM HIS CAR TOWARD APARTMENT BUILDING.
DISSOLVE TO:
KATZ OFFICE
KATZ
When we come back. Reflex
deals with some very dark
personal issues. And what
lies in the future of
Gag Reflex.
FADE TO BLACK
PLACE
"THE GRIP"
HERE
FADE TO BLACK
STEVE (V.O.)
Y'know I'm not the only
one with problems. Eric
started getting pretty
freaky. Ask him!
FADE IN
KRIS - INTERVIEW
KRIS
(continuing)
He just wasn't pumping out
the material. I mean, what
he was brining in was good
but he was pushing himself
too hard.
CUT TO:
DALE'S HOUSE - REHEARSAL
Everyone mills about.
Eric enters followed by MICHAEL MULANEY. Mulaney wears sunglasses
and a long dark trenchcoat. He says nothing.
JANET (V.O.)
He felt like something was
wrong and he was unbalanced.
So he started bringing this
guy named ... oh ...um.. Michael
...Michael Mulaney to
rehearsals. How could I forget
Michael Mulaney?
Eric begins to introduce Mulaney to everyone.
ERIC
Guys. This is my spiritual
comedy guide. Michael Mulaney.
He helping me to center and
find my groove again.
Dale and Janet exchange glances.
ERIC
I know you guys don't like
outsiders at rehearsal but
I need this. I gotta feel my
way back to my comic spirit.
My humorous muse is waning
so Mike is going to help me
find it. So I can get back
to writing that great toilet
humor.
CUT TO:
LATER
The group rehearses a scene. Eric runs his fingers through his
hair.
He breaks character and steps away.
ERIC
No. no.
He turns and looks at Mulaney who stares at him blankly.
Eric turns back excited.
ERIC
Okay I got it.
CUT TO:
ERIC - INTERVIEW
ERIC
That was a really strange time.
M&M was good for me but... I
realize the mistake I made now.
I owe a lot of that to Dale.
CUT TO:
DALE - INTERVIEW
DALE
Well I sat Eric down and told
him ... well I don't remember
what I told him. But what it
boiled down to was that he should
cut the crap and be FUNNY! Then things
got REALLY weird.
CUT TO:
STILL PICTURE
Dale, Eric and Kris in a candid shot.
Eric is dressed exactly like Dale.
KRIS (V.O)
Eric became obsessed with Dale.
DISSOLVE TO:
KRIS - INTERVIEW
KRIS
It was really creepy after
a while. It was like having
two Dales around. It started
becoming really scary. I don't
think Dale really noticed...
CUT TO:
DALE - INTERVIEW
DALE
I just thought Eric's taste
was becoming impeccable.
DISSOLVE TO:
GENERATED BACKROUND AND SMALL SUBSCREEN OF POLICE TAPE.
TITLE READS : "Actual 911 call"
The dialogue comes over a telephone and is accompanied by
subtitles.
DALE'S VOICE
This is Dale Roe at 32 Longbeach.
My son Cooper is missing.
OPERATOR
All right sir, calm down.
DALE' VOICE
Hold on! What Rhonda?!
Oh my god! Someone stuffed
our dog Chelsea into a crock
pot and let it simmer all day!
Sweet Jesus!
DISSOLVE TO:
DALE AND RHONDA - INTERVIEW
Dale holds Rhonda's hand.
RHONDA
I was in a panic. But when
Eric walked in and told us
that he had taken Cooper
to the park I was relieved.
CUT TO:
INT. DALE'S LIVING ROOM
Eric walks in holding Cooper's hand.
DALE
...the hell?!
ERIC
Hey man, thanks for
stopping by.
Eric stops by Rhonda and kisses her on the cheek.
ERIC
Hi hon.
DALE
What are you doing?!
ERIC
You want a beer or something?
I'm gonna take a quick shower.
Make yourself at home.
Eric begins to undress.
DISSOLVE TO:
ERIC - INTERVIEW
Eric looks sadly at his hands.
ERIC
I don't remember much of it.
But...I can't believe I did
it.
FADE TO BLACK
FADE IN
NEWSPAPER ARTICLE WITH ERIC'S PICTURE
AND THE HEADLINE:
"COMEDY GEEK HOSPITALIZED FOR NERVOUS EXHAUSTION"
FADE TO BLACK
FADE IN:
DALE AND STEVE INTERVIEW
STEVE
...I mean of all the
influential african © americans
in the past thirty years...the
one that gets glossed over the most
is Quincy Jones. I mean, the man has
done it all. Writing. Producing. But
because he's behind the scenes no one
remembers him. He's personally helped
hundreds of musicians hone their skills
and he's influenced thousands more. THAT
is testimony to what a great man he is.
And rich...the man is literally tripping
over his own wealth.
Steve looks at Dale.
Dale stares at Steve for a moment.
DALE
...the hell are you talking about?!?!?
STEVE
I thought it sounded like an interview
thing. Like ...you know kind of a Ken
Burns thing.
DALE
Why don't you shut your piehole!
Dale looks at the camera.
DALE
(continuing)
When we lost Eric for that period
it almost killed us. Stu was like a
breath of fresh air. He was our salvation,
our redeemer, really. He pumped new life
into us ...
STEVE
Yeah ... too bad he died so violently. Tough
break.
Dale looks annoyed at Steve
STEVE
(continuing)
What? It happened ...
DISSOLVE TO:
PICTURE
The New Gag Reflex line up includes STU.
DISSOLVE TO:
PICTURE
Stu and Steve performing the "BURGIE BELTER SKETCH".
KATZ (V.O)
The comedian known only as
"Stu" joined Reflex in a
moment of group desperation.
With Eric locked away in the
booby hatch Stu burst onto the
Reflex stage with an energy unrivaled
before or since.
MONTAGE OF REFLEX AND STU PICTURES
JANET (V.O.)
It was incredible. Those shows
with Stu were probably the best
we've ever done. The audience
took to him beautifully. On the
surface we all had a lot of fun
with Stu. But there was a lot of
resentment at the way he came in
and started to...well...let's
just say he was difficult.
CUT TO:
KRIS - INTERVIEW
KRIS
After the novelty of
a new member wore off the
fighting started. I'll never
forget the night that Stu
showed up to our show at the
Holiday Star totally bombed.
We had to do it readers theater
style. Everyone was livid.
And the next day....
(Kris looks away.)
CUT TO:
NEWSPAPER ARTICLE
slides into view at an angle.
The caption reads;
"REFLEX PROP FOUND AT MURDER SCENE"
The sub-headline reads:
”Goofy Giant Spider extracted from Stu's body. Reflex called in for questioning."
DISSOLVE TO:
ERIC - INTERVIEW
ERIC
When they finally let me have
paper in my room I read about
when they dragged the group
in. I was just thanking
god I was in the hospital. That's
a hell of an alibi. I didn't even
have access to "Spiderback. Steve
always kept it at his house.
CUT TO:
STEVE - INTERVIEW
STEVE
The ...guy...was arrogant. Somebody
needed to lean on the guy. ..Not me!
I don't mean me. I mean think of it.
Someone goes to face the guy and they
take the spider to intimidate the guy.
Not me. SOMEBODY....Should I talk to my
lawyer?
CUT TO:
JANET - INTERVIEW
JANET
The pathologist said that there
had been a struggle. What probably
happened was that someone took the
spider to intimidate the guy and..
you know, things got out of hand.
The thing's gone off when I've been
cleaning it....Ask Dale he built the damn
thing.
CUT TO:
DALE - INTERVIEW
DALE
Anyone who would off another
human being with a prop that
dopey looking ...that's
an animal. Imagine this being
your last memory of earth.
Dale holds up the spider.
DALE
I...mean...this exact replica.
Obviously the actual spider
was impounded by the authorities.
CUT TO:
KRIS - INTERVIEW
KRIS
I can't even lift the spider.
I suppose I could if I HAD to.
Like in one of those "life
threatening " situations where
people gain superhuman strength.
Or when some guy is
(gets suddenly violent)
REALLY PISSING YOU OFF! And All you
want to do is ram a giant prop
down his....but I digress.
I was doing flash cards with Jerry
that night anyway
CUT TO:
MONTAGE OF REFLEX MUG SHOTS
KATZ (V.O.)
(doing Robert Stack)
Stu's death remained a mystery.
All group members had airtight
alibis. And as it happened the
police didn't really care about
a comedian with only one name
anyway.
CUT TO:
NEWSPAPER ARTICLE:
Caption reads:
CORONER'S JURY RULES STU'S DEATH "ARACHNIDENTAL"
FADE TO BLACK:‰‰
SOUND OF REFLEX TALKING AMONGST THEMSELVES.
FADE IN:
INT. DAY - DALE'S HOUSE
"FLY ON THE WALL" as Reflex gets ready for rehearsal.
Steve and Dale stand talking about music.
Kris plays with Dale's dog.
Janet talks to Rhonda while Cooper sits on Rhonda's lap.
DAN sits blankly on the couch.
CUT TO:
OUTSIDE
Eric pulls up in his car. He grabs a back pack from the seat
next to him and locks up his car.
He pauses for a second before he heads into the house.
CUT TO:
INSIDE
Everybody's head turns as there is a KNOCK at the door.
Dale and Steve smile at each other.
Eric slinks in shyly.
ERIC
Hello?
There is a warm greeting from the group.
Hugs and hand shakes abound.
DISSOLVE TO
KRIS AND STEVE
INTERVIEWER
So what's going on now?
STEVE
Well this is the first
rehearsal for our new
show.
INTERVIEWER
Are you all excited.
KRIS
(Smiling )
I don't know about anyone
else but this is my favorite
part of all of it. You know?
STEVE
This time especially because
it's like a comeback.
CUT TO:
GROUP READING NEW SCENES
INTERVIEWER (V.O.)
How's Eric doing?
KRIS (V.O)
It's like he was never
gone.
FADE UP SCENE SOUND
Dale reads a new sketch.
DALE
(reading)
...so then the day nurse
says..."The hell happened
to you?" and Lesion Man
says, "I had to wear the
turban, I lost my hat!"
The group rolls with laughter.
CUT TO:
DALE
DALE
...It's like coming home
again, you know. It's
been a lot of fun.
CUT TO:
KITCHEN
Janet and Kris make coffee. They talk and laugh.
CUT TO:
JANET
JANET
I think what has kept us going
through all of it is that we're
more than just comedians. We're
friends too. If I didn't need to
eat I'd probably just do it for that.
CUT TO:
STEVE - INTERVIEW
STEVE
Probably the most important
thing this time around is we
have a full time technical
director.
CUT TO:
DAN sits with Dale and Steve. He sits and stares blank from
behind dark glasses.
DALE
Steve, tell Dan that I want
a cool blue spot at the
end of Proxy.
Steve tells Dan this by performing sign language in the palm
of Dan's hand. (Like THE MIRACLE WORKER.)
CUT TO:
DAN - HALLWAY
He makes his way from the bathroom.
DALE (V.O.)
A lot of people have asked
us why we took on a visually
and hearing impaired individual
as our light and sound guy.
It's a question I've asked myself
many times. But the truth is the
guy has GREAT instincts.
Dan walks into a wall and collapses unconscious to the floor.
CUT TO:
LIVING ROOM
The group howls with laughter as Dale and Steve rehearse the
"ROYALE WITH CHEESE" sketch.
Except Dan who sits silently and doesn't move until Kris slaps
him on the back in a fit of laughter.
CUT TO:
LATER
Eric and Dale sit delivering lines.
ERIC
...just a few questions.
Do you have any latent
tendencies, compulsions ...
...uh
(to Steve)
....line?
Dale blows his stack.
DALE
Dammit Eric! OBSESSIONS!
I can't believe...
ERIC
Sorry. Sorry.
DALE
I mean Jesus...
They stop in silence. There eyes locked.
They both move into a warm hug.
ERIC
Awwww I'm sorry.
DALE
No, man, I'm sorry.
They pat each other loudly on the back.
CUT TO:
ERIC INTERVIEW
ERIC
You know, when you're
in the middle of it all
you tend to forget why
you do what you do, and
why do it with the people
you do it with. All of that
came back to me today.
(a tear sprints down his cheek.)
I couldn't have asked for
a nicer reception.
He smiles a tear filled smile.
FADE TO BLACK
FADE IN:
GROUP INTERVIEW
INTERVIEWER
So what's next?
They all look at each other and chuckle.
ERIC
The sky's the limit.
JANET
We love doing this. We
work hard at it. We want
to do it forever. You know.
This isn't...
KRIS
...a hobby. Or a waste
of time.
STEVE
I wish you guys could
talk to my wife.
They all laugh.
STEVE
(continuing)
I kid. She indulges me a lot.
I probably couldn't do it
without her.
DALE
I think what I like the most
about the group is our versatility.
We write, we act, we can tailor our
material to any audience ...
JANET
... we sing, we have a large repertoire
of sketches, songs, characters...
KRIS
... we have material for all age groups
and both sexes ...
ERIC
... put succinctly, we have a blend of
thinking-man's humor and a more base
type of slapstick, almost reminiscent
of Chaplin, Keaton and the early Firesign
Theater ...
Everyone, including Dan, yells, "GEEK!"
ERIC looks at everyone, then laughs himself
ERIC
All right, all right, so I'm a geek.
All those comedy groupies don't seem
to mind!
JANET
You mean the comically challenged?
STEVE
The point is, we like to work, and we
like to work many different venues. We're
available for clubs, television, theaters,
charity shows, benefit shows, seminars and
...
KRIS
Daddy-daughter dinner dances ...
Everyone looks at her
Ã_*(ÃKRISƒ
Well, c'mon ... it'd be fun!
Everyone kind of waves her off.
CUT TO:
INTERVIEWS
INTERVIEWER
What would you most like
people to know about Gag
Reflex? What makes you keep
going?
DALE
Sometimes a dream can be
so strong that it drives
you on, even in the face
of such strong adversity.
INTERVIEWER
No. That's no good....
CUT
INTERVIEWER
Take two...
DALE
Quite honestly not a week
goes by that I don't think
about quitting. So I guess
indecision keeps me going.
CUT
DALE
(getting pissed)
The rush of euphoria I get
when Steve blows a line.
CUT
DALE
Bar chicks.
CUT
DALE
(to Interviewer)
Why don't you answer it
you seem to know everything
smart boy!
CUT
DALE
We have a great dental plan.
CUT
DALE
(shivers)
ooooh the chills I get
knowing I'll be on cable
access.
CUT
Dale's eyes are closed.
His eyes slowly open and he glares at the camera
CUT
DALE
Ask somebody else I'm
sick of this bull....
CUT
JANET
I really would rather
not be associated with
these guys.
CUT
Dan sits and stares into space.
CUT
KRIS
I'm sorry what was the
question?
CUT
KATZ
If...uh... A&E's looking
in I'm available for
war documentaries or
maybe...American Justice.
CUT
MICHAEL MULANEY
Can I get Kris's number?
CUT
TOAST
Got any cheese?
CUT
DORIS
These garters are chaffin'
the hell out of my thighs.
CUT
JOEY CALGON
I want Lesion man to go
down in history with
the best of 'em.
CUT
STEVE
We brought joy and laughter
to a chosen few...who..
you know...weren't smart
enough to get away.
CUT
ERIC
Awesome buns and great hair.
CUT
DALE
I want to be remembered for
being able to insult you..
(points at the audience)
...and get away with it.
Dale smiles.
FADE TO BLACK
FADE UP SONG: "QUARK ROCK"
ROLL CREDITS
DURING CREDITS:
A CLOCK COUNTS DOWN:
"NEW GAG REFLEX VIDEO IN ..."
FADE TO BLACK
FADE UP ON NEW REFLEX VIDEO
”WE ARE GAG!”
We've had ourselves some tough times
We'd get up just to fall
Sometimes it seems without bad luck
We'd have no luck at all
But no matter how tough things get
No matter how low they sag
We'll keep getting back up
'Cause we are Gag.
(CHORUS)
We are Gag,
We are Gag
Putting America on a laughing jag
And if you don't laugh 'till you're crying,
It means we just are not trying,
But we'll be back,
'Cause we are Gag.
Well we lost Charles and Diana
Michael and Lisa, his girl
But we still have Demi and Bruno
And Madonna and the World
Some things they last forever
And others seem to lag
But we promise to keep going
'Cause we are Gag.
(CHORUS)
We are Gag,
We are Gag
Putting America on a laughing jag
And if you don't walk away chuckling
Then hard enough down we're not buckling
It's in the bag
'Cause we are Gag!
(REPEAT CHORUS)
And if you don't laugh 'till you're spittin'
It's don't matter, we aren't quittin'
Cause we are Gag.
Many great ones have been silenced
Goodbye to them, we bid
But the only time we'll be quiet
Is when it's time to close the lid
Yeah, we'll work to keep you laughing
'Till we're in that body bag
And our last breaths heaving punchlines
'Cause we are Gag.
(REPEAT CHORUS)
And if you don't laugh till you're cackin'
That means we are slackin'
But we'll be back
'Cause we are Gag!
(REPEAT CHORUS AND FADE OUT)